Memories
by Froyo Jojo
Summary: Evey Shepard tries to cope from Horizon but it isn't working. After endless chronic nightmares and a near-fatal fever, she must hold it together for her team and save the galaxy. Couple that with a potentially life-threatening problem with her biotics, and things might get complicated... (UPDATE: I have a lot of probs w/ this fic, read at your own risk. Plz be kind. Rewrite?)
1. Waking Up

*SIGH* Unfortunately, I do not own Mass Effect-any of them.

Speaking of which, am I the only person who thinks that March is a VERY LONG WAIT for the third game?! It's only three months from now, but we've been waiting for so long! I hope Kaidan is in the third game. I am going to cry if he isn't.

*clears throat* Ah-hem. Yes, well… Walter, the story, please.

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I woke with a start. My heart thumped loudly in my ears. I felt my heart struggle to bring me back to reality as my fingers throbbed in unison with my hands and legs and face. The pendant on my necklace that now rested on my pulse spot lifted off my skin and fell back down as my blood rushed under my skin. The quiet music in the room slowly faded back into my senses. My muscles were tense, my legs clenched painfully. My arms were so taught I couldn't undo the fists that had my nails cutting into my palms. The air pushed into my lungs and out, quickly, loudly; my pants echoed in my ears. I tried to remember where I was. The Normandy, My quarters. Safe. Alone. I closed my mouth, forcing each breath to quiet and slow. My chest rose and fell rapidly still, despite breathing through my nose. My head hurt and began to feel light. I tried to open my eyes. The lights were intensified instantly. My eyes rolled back into my head as I winced, making the lights streak across my vision.

I closed my eyes tighter, shielding them from the lights lining the floor. I had already asked EDI to turn off all the lights in the room at all times. The only lights that remained were the thin strips of white dotting the perimeter of the floor, my tableside clock, and the small fiery light I had installed beneath my old N7 helmet.

A chill began to set in, and I realized, as per usual of the last week and a half, that I had kicked my blankets away in my sleep.

I first worked my fingers out from my bloody palms, then to unclench my wrists and elbows, making my way up my upper limbs, doing the same for my legs. My now flaccid body twitched with anticipation while I waited for my heart to rest and my breathing to slow. I had requested for more blankets. I now had the basic sheets that were here originally, a slightly thicker blanket, and two quilts. I was still freezing, every night. With some effort, I pulled my arm up and with it the numerous blankets that had been kicked off. I shook from the bitter cold that the sheen of sweat over my body had only amplified. Rolling over onto my side and curling up in an attempt to warm myself, I sat and waited for my intense exhaustion to pull me back into unconsciousness.

"Mr. Moreau," the AI said, it's voice slightly flat but not robotic. It was silent as Joker leaned into his helmsman chair and kept running the ship. His fingers continued to lightly touch the CGI buttons, working his magic with the ship that no one else could. "Mr. Moreau." Irritation passed over Joker's face as he began to push the buttons a little harder than he needed to and shift uncomfortably. "I suggest you stop ignoring me, Mr. Moreau. I believe I must tell you something that you would wish to know." Joker hissed and sighed loudly, pushing himself into the seat and stopping his work.

"_What _is it, EDI? _What_ is so frickin' important?" he shouted.

The sphere hologram emerged from her station, vocal lines on her graphed surface moving as she spoke. "Commander Shepard asked me not to report this," she said, getting Joker's interest, "But I am concerned that it is becoming a very serious problem." She paused for a moment and Jeff patiently waited, also becoming concerned. "For the past eleven days Commander Shepard has had a fever temperature average of 39.78 degrees Celsius."

Joker shot up and nearly fell, yelling angrily, "_What?!_ You let her have a fever for that long at that temperature?" His face paled and his mind scrambled for what to do. "W-where is she?" He had already started walking out of the cockpit before she answered, telling her to make sure nothing happens to the ship while he was gone.

He limped all the way down the hall, a few of the crew members giving him shocked looks. He came to the part in the path and went left, nearing the receptionist. She noticed him before he reached her. "Joker? What are you doing? I've never seen you up and about…" She gave him a concerned smile, but he hardly noticed.

"Get Chakwas. Tell her to go to the Captain's quarters immediately." The look on Chambers' face was part confusion, part shock, part fear.

She walked away from her holo and toward Jeff, walking with him as they went to the elevator. "Why? What's happened? Is the commander alright?"

"EDI just told me that Shepard has had a fever for eleven days." He heard her gasp and bring her hand up to cover her mouth. He looked over at her as they turned in the elevator and he pressed the top level button. "Her average temp is over 39 degrees." He watched as Kelly became fidgety, willing them to move faster after her face paled.

Why didn't Shepard do something about this? Does she even realize that she could seriously get hurt? That they'd have to go to the Citadel and get her to a hospital that would be able to take care of her? He knew his answer already. She puts her crew and mission before her health, and yes and yes. They were on their way to Omega to help Samara tie up the loose ends with her daughter, which is great and all, and they'd be getting a killer, but it is just ridiculous to allow this to happen to herself and go anyway. The elevator reached the top level, opening up to the small room before Shepard's room. "Get Chakwas. I'll check on the commander." Kelly nodded and went to close the elevator. "Hey. Tell Garrus and Thane and Tali and the rest of the crew what happened. We're canceling the mission until Shepard is better."

She nodded again just as the doors closed and went to get the doctor. Joker turned around and pressed the button to open the door. It flashed red and made a curt beeping noise.

"Of all the days to lock your door…" Jeff murmured to himself. He hit the door a few times, knowing it was too thick for a gingerly knocking. "Shepard! Shepard!" There was a moment of silence and then he hit the door a few times again. He sighed when the door wasn't opened and he began to worry. "Shepard, please, help me! Open the door, please! Shepar-AAGGHH! Ah! Help! No! Ahhh! Auughhh…" He sounded, thumping his feet on the hard floor to make it sound like he had gone unconscious.

Suddenly the door opened with a loud whoosh of air. Shepard came out with a shotgun at her hip, an angry and frantic look on her face. Her face was pale and her eyes were watering. She was obviously desperately trying to reach him in time, thinking he was being attacked. She was panting and sweat covered her entire body, running down her shoulders and…

Jokers eyes went wide as he saw she was nearly stark naked. She bore nothing but a tank top that stopped just before her belly button and boy short underwear. He tried to grasp how this achingly sexy woman before him was his commander who had fought Sovereign and saved the Citadel and ran around every day in an unflattering suit of armor. Her stance was ready for anything, toned muscles stretching over her long legs and arms, her face fierce and sultry at the same time and the _exact _image of every male soldier's fantasy. She was a badass, sexy woman, and gave off the air that she could handle herself and you well. Joker was completely unashamed to admit that he was thinking this. This is Joker, after all.

Her brow furrowed in confusion as she saw he was just standing there. "Joker…? Is that you?" He smiled a devilish smile and though he hadn't tried to, he set off the "menacing adversary trying to mess with her head" alarm in her head. She swung the shotgun in his direction, aiming straight for his head. Joker went rigid. Was she delusional, like for real?

"Shepard. Put it down. If you shoot me, it will take the rest of your life to find another pilot as bat-shit awesome as me." He said this with a straight face, too. It was a moment before Shepard lowered the gun and relaxed, staring into his eyes for a long time. She sighed and shook her head weakly, turning around and going back into her room. He had to hustle to make it before the doors closed.

Joker almost fell when he walked into the bedroom. It was damn near pitch black in there. He squinted to see right, and his eyes slowly adjusted. He couldn't see correctly as he went over to the panel on the wall and turned the lights on. All of a sudden Shepard screeched and sobbed, yelling, "Turn the lights off!" Joker quickly turned them off and walked over carefully to her bed where she was sitting.

"Shepard, why didn't you tell us about your fever?" He asked as he sat down next to her. He could hear her panting even as he spoke. "Christ…" He put his hand on her forehead, brushing away the sweaty clumps of her long black bangs. He flinched and pulled away. Her forehead was so hot…

"Shh…" she whispered between gasps and heaving exhales . "Shh… Not so loud." He had barely been speaking above a whisper.

"God, lay down." He pulled the blankets away from the bed, surprised to find at least three extra blankets there. She slowly laid down, shaking the whole way. He pulled the blankets back over her and switched the sweat-covered pillow she was using with her other fresh one next to her. "Just try to lay still and stay warm, okay?" He didn't know what to do beyond that. He opted for rubbing her back through the sheets soothingly.

A minute or so before Dr. Chakwas and Thane and everyone else arrived, as Evey Shepard wavered between consciousness and sleep, her weak, delicate hand reached out from the mass of sheets and took his free one as he kneeled next to her bed. Only her fingers gripped his hand. He looked at her face, shining in the glow from the clock near her head. There were massive circles beneath her eyes and her cheeks were just slightly hollow from lack of nourishment, her full pink lips chapped and her eyes watering. "Thank you, Joker. Thank… you, so much…" Then she slipped back into her light sleep.

Joker heard the soft click in the near silent room easily as the door prepared to open. He took his hand from its motions on her back to over her exposed ear. The door flew open and he made out the silhouettes of several crew members. "Don't turn the lights on all the way. It hurts her eyes."

Garrus was the one who turned the lights on half way, lighting up the room like an early morning on earth. Thane rushed over and Joker scooted to the left, towards her feet, to make room for him to kneel by her head. Numerous people shuffled into the room as quietly as they could. Tali walked over to behind Joker and Thane, wringing her hands in worry. Garrus stood by the foot of the large bed, a sad look on his face. Kelly sat on the bed behind Shepard, running her hand up and down her back like Joker had and taking the hair out of her face. Chakwas then walked in the room, last, with a look of frustration as she tried to get by everyone and reach Shepard. She shooed them out of the way and came to Shepard's side.

The first thing she did was call out to her, to which there was no response. Then she checked her pulse by her wrist and gasped. "Her blood pressure is far too high." She gestured to the case behind her. "Give me the syringe with the label 'three'." Thane's hands shot out and the case was open before anyone knew he was the one opening it. He handed the doctor the syringe and returned to grasping Shepard's hand within his own.

"Now. I need someone to hold her still." Thane gave her an anxious look. "She is mumbling in her sleep. Her muscles are tense, and she is in REM sleep. From the looks of it, she is having a nightmare. If I were to give her this and cause any disruption to her body, she could lash out and get herself or one of us hurt," she explained in her gentle, wise voice. It was still in the room for a few seconds, then Thane hesitantly let go of Shepard's hand and held her shoulders while Kelly held her legs. There was a small pricking noise as the inserted the needle into Shepard's inner elbow. Tali jumped as Shepard twitched violently at the pain and cried out.

"No!" Evey shouted. "No, no, no! Don't… don't touch… get away from…" Tali sobbed. Her hand reflexively went to cover her mouth. Instead it went to cover her eyes. "Get away from… him…"

Thane let go of Evey as if it hurt to do so and clasped her hands in his again. He looked down at them, only now touching her whole hand. "Her hands are bleeding." He stated. His voice was flat and his eyes were as wide as saucers. Chakwas' head snapped in his direction. "Her hands are bleeding." He opened her palms and brought them closer to his eyes. Her finger tips were covered in blood as well. Joker looked down at his hand that had touched hers before. There were thin smears of blood on his hands from her fingers. His stomach churned.

"Did she do that… to herself?"

Thane growled darkly, low in his throat. "Don't make it sound so ominous! She didn't do it on purpose…" He made sure his grip on her feminine and delicate fingers did not tighten. "What happened to you?" he quietly asked the sleeping Shepard.

Chakwas left it to him to bandage her hands.

Kelly and Thane, since they were closest, helped Chakwas get Evey prepared to go down to the med bay, and everyone helped as best they can, Joker handing her all the things she needed. Garrus, Tali, Grunt, and Kasumi all stood slightly away from the busy group, like a family in a waiting room.

"I can't believe this is happening… How could this happen to Shepard? I mean, yeah, she's human and can get sick, but her body is so much stronger than a normal humans', especially after all the things Cerberus did to her," questioned Garrus.

"_And_ we are on a sterile ship. There's no way something like this could only hit one person out of the entire crew if it were within the ship, least of all if that person is Shepard," Tali noted.

Grunt just kept looking at his battle master. How could this happen? His battle master in shambles from a microscopic organism? _Shepard_?

Kasumi stood there, her right arm supporting her left as her finger pressed softly to her chin. The other three looked at her at almost the same time, noting how she had remained silent the entire time. Of course, Kasumi knew they were looking at her inquisitively, being the master thief she is. "I for one do not believe she has become so sick because a mere bacterium got into her system. Partially, anyway." They were confused, but knew, in the classic Kasumi manner, she would explain with precision and experience laden in her voice. "This is my theory. Mind you, tis but a theory… What happened a week and a half ago? Did we go anywhere that was hazardous or toxic that could easily get one of us sick? No. Did we do anything that would stress our bodies too far? _We_ did not, no. Who did? Shepard." She let them try to remember what we did a week ago, and no one but Garrus would have known whether Shepard had exhausted herself. He and Thane were the only ones out in the mission.

"We went to Horizon. Could that have stressed her? I mean, she's been through a lot worse, in worse shape."

"Hm. Well, who said that she is in better shape than when she was fighting Sovereign? Her body is improved now, yes. But her mind went through many devastating events over the last two and a half months. She died, she was revived, found out the people who were now practically forcing her to work with them, the ones who saved her, was Cerberus, tried to grasp that she was gone for two years, but most likely the straw that broke the camel's back, as it is said, would be that she lost _everyone _close to her heart. She got you two back, and Joker and Chakwas, but _everyone_ else left her. For her, those two years probably only felt as if she had passed out after a hangover. And then, when she woke up, everyone… _was gone_. I'll ask you again: nearly two weeks ago, what happened?" Her gaze did not waver from the stirring commander.

Grunt had no clue what had happened, but knew that ever since about that long ago, Shepard's body had been more exerted after every workout, every sparring session, and the last mission they went on, his Rite of Passage. Now he knew why—she had a fever the entire time. He thought that her face had turned slightly pale, but that could be because so many things, and he _had_ noticed how she wasn't really smiling.

Tali hadn't a clue either. She had known Shepard long enough, though, to know that there was something wrong. She had assumed it was because of the Collector threat that was becoming more and more real every day. Clearly, that was not the case. It wouldn't come as a sudden realization that the Collectors were coming, and the fact that she would have had to realize it exactly one and a half weeks ago made it even more unlikely. She was becoming more and more worried, as she hadn't seen Shepard smile or laugh in a while. Granted, Tali spent a lot of time in engineering, but out of the times when she came up, there was always laughing and joking near Shep.

Garrus had an epiphany that made him feel entirely insensitive. "When we were at Horizon, we came across K-!" Suddenly Kasumi's hand was over Garrus' mouth, silencing him.

"I suggest you not say his name in the presence of our commander. If I am correct, and that is why she is like this, then saying his name could go very badly, even if she is asleep."

Tali gave Garrus a sharp look, though he could not see it through her mask, and knew something had gone wrong on Horizon. "The Illusive Man, damn him, said that, er, _a certain Alliance soldier that we know_ was on the planet that we were going to next." This made Tali's eyes widen and her mouth to drop. _No way,_ she thought. "Then… then he said that it was a colony on Horizon, and that they were going to be next to be attacked by Collectors. This is what Shepard told me." He said, once he got an inquiring look from Kasumi. "We… the Collector ship had already gotten away," anger flashed across his eyes, causing his mandibles to flare, "when we saw him. Just after, in fact. It… it didn't go well.." Garruss' eyes closed as the memory flashed across the back of his eyes… He told them what happened as he relived watching Shepard slowly fall apart…

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Well, people, that's it. That's the first chapter. Assuming, that is, that you read it until the end. I would really love some feedback or suggestions!

PS: as of now, the rating is T, but it MIGHT go up depending on the events later on! (No detailed sex, don't worry…)


	2. The Memory

This is the flashback of what happened on Horizon that Garrus is explaining to Tali, Grunt, and Kasumi. It's in Shepard's point of view.

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There was a crate of some kind ahead. I ran up to it, my skin crawling with a chill as the crackling buzz of the Collectors ran through my ears. I heard my panting over everything else, nearly, as I sprinted for cover. Garrus followed, knowing that I needed him to cover me just in case. I held the Locust SMG vertically, leaning against the hard metal box.

Garrus was crouched, aiming at a husk. He took the shot, killing it in one strike. He's the greatest sniper I've ever heard of, I'll give him that. His armor was still broken and cracked on his right shoulder and neck, but he never asked for a new set. I think he likes it like that, and I agree. It gives him character.

_Is he safe?_

I was pulled back into the moment when his eyes widened and he quickly lowed his gun and entire body to be level with the crate. He reminded me of a mouse scurrying to hide in its hole. It was so unlike Garrus to see him so shocked and unprepared that I was reeling at the sight.

He spoke before I could ask what happened. "Shapard, we have a _big_ problem. Get the missile launcher! I'll use overload," he shouted as he got out of his crouching position and hit something with overload. I quickly traded my weapon for the heavy artillery, and spied the enemy on the side of our cover. My eyes widened as Garrus' had.

Thane ran up to the side of the platform that was next to us. His face was taught, anxious. He looked at me and gave me a 'here goes nothing' grimace, turning and opening fire on the flying mech. I followed suit.

_Where is he?_

I hit it with three missiles, my feet skidding in the dirt. Then it opened fire on me. The ammo was not massive, but the firing rate was rapid. I was hit with I don't know how many bullets, but enough to down my shields before I could react effectively. I scrambled to manipulate my body to fit behind the heavy crate. I yelped as an explosion shattered my firm stance and the force slammed me into the metal face of the box. Apparently this thing has missiles too.

I tapped Garrus' shoulder and signaled to find other cover and ran as fast as I could to the opposite side of the platform Thane was previously in cover of. It flew toward me again, slowly gaining. It's shields were down now. I stood as it was momentarily distracted by Thane and Garrus and planted my feet firmly into the ground. I set the heavy gun onto my shoulder and scoped the mech.

_Did he save anyone?_

I shot it once before it suddenly stopped firing, raised in altitude a few feet, and propelled itself to the ground with exceptional force. It my shields had regenerated in the time since they were taken down by the missile explosion, but now they were gone and I was dying. I could feel my pulse falter and pound in my ears, my head, my fingers, everywhere. I staggered backward and nearly dropped the missile launcher.

I felt like I was choking on air. I fell to the ground and crawled against a large container filled with supplies for the dying colony. My chest was heavy, like I had a hundred pounds strapped to my shoulders and rope was bound around my ribcage, pulling it together and preventing me from breathing. I panted, my vision blurring. I heard Garrus and Thane call out to me, trying to distract the robot while wanting to get to me.

"Stay! Stay, hah, where you are!" I screamed. I would not have them die with me. Never. I saw Garrus running towards me from his cover a few yards away. "No! Idiot, I said, _stay_!"

"Shepard, shut up, or I swear I'll shoot you in the foot," he sighed as he lay his sniper rifle down next to us.

_Is he hurt?_

My vision continued to blur and my feet went numb. I realized I was bleeding from my leg and shoulder. "Garrus…" I mumbled. I picked up the sniper rifle a few feet away and shoved it toward his chest. "Shoot it." He continued to ignore me. "_Garrus!_"

"Fine, Shepard!" He took the sniper rifle in one hand and used his omni-tool to give me two medi-gel. I nearly instantly felt a difference. He grasped the gun and got the mech into his sights. He inhaled sharply and exhaled slowly, shooting it repeatedly in the same place in a quick spur of shots. It's shields were down and I could tell as I leaned around the corner of the containment unit that it was soon dead.

"EDI! Status!" I shouted into the speaker at me ear linking me to the Normandy .

"I am nearly finished, Commander Shepard. Five percent until completion and we will be fully online. Give me one minute to finish and I will be firing at the Collector ship."

I took a few deep breaths, something I learned from experience made medi-gel spread faster and take effect easier. I took the Locust into my hands and switched to Incendiary ammo. I thumped my head against the metal warming in the midday sun. I leaped up and turned on the flying mech again.

I screamed violently as I opened fire. I had no cover, and was trying to gain its attention so Thane and Garrus could do some damage. It spun in the air to face me. I felt my insides twist in anticipation. I held onto the trigger and wouldn't let go until it was dead. I took steps back as it began to shoot at me. It used ordinary bullets but it was a machine gun, like last time. I grunted as bullets hit my armor, feeling like I was being hit with rubber bullets. I continued to scream and shoot. I wanted to jump up and grab hold of it, tearing it apart with my hands and use its own gun to kill it, but my armor was too heavy and eliminated any chance of jumping. Finally, just as it was about to send itself hurling toward the ground and actually kill me, Garrus used overload and I hit it in a less armored area. It exploded midair.

I finally let go of the trigger and bent over, putting my hands on my knees and heaving my lungs. Thane and Garrus jogged over. I looked thane over and healed his wounds with medi-gel, hitting him once in the chest lightly with a loose fist. Garrus had a proud smirk on. "You were always good with heroics, weren't you, Shepard?"

_Will he recognize me after two years?_

I still leaned on my knees when I glanced up at him, blocking the bright sun with my hand so I could see him. I panted out an exhausted-sounding, "You bet your turian ass." He laughed and smiled, shaking his head. I stood and pushed the button on the speaker in my ear. "EDI?"

"I just finished the override, Commander Shepard." My face went slack from the grimace it was in from my eyes being bombarded with sunlight.

I turned around and watched with my comrades as the turret fired a beam up to the Collector ship. I felt my heart clench at the sight. There were people on that ship. People. I felt my nose burn with coming tears. I failed each of those people, and their loved ones, and now they are either dead, dying, or are going to die.

_What if he's angry?_

"No," I heard someone shout from behind me. "No! What are you doing, stop them! There are people on that ship! Humans, people! Save them!" It was the man from before, the one that survived by hiding in that building and sealing the doors. He ran ahead of the three of us, looking to the sky, the ship, as fiery explosions could be seen from here. His hands went to his head and he paced, looking at us to the ship and back again and again. "Do something! Save them!"

I felt my face neutralize, become devoid of emotion and my voice went flat, reflecting my feelings. "I am so sorry. I… I can't do anything more… I am so sorry…" My voice cracked and I knew my eyes shone in the sun everything I felt. The sadness, the loneliness, desperation, frustration and anger and guilt. No tears fell, though. No tears ever fell anymore, and smiles were rare and never fully genuine.

"No! Don't let them get away!"

"There's nothing we can do," I explained, "They're gone."

He paced some more. "Half the colony is in there! They took Egen and Sam… and Lilith! Do something," he shouted.

_Does he still love me as much as I do him?_

Part of me was frustrated and angry with him for pushing it when we couldn't do anything. Why must he rehash this? The better part of me knew what he was going through and knew I had to be patient and gentle. "I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."

Garrus added, "More than most, Shepared." It still wasn't enough. I saw Thane out of the corner of my eye as he took a step closer so now he was standing right beside me, showing his support.

"Wait. Shepard. I know that name, you're some big Alliance hero," the colonist man said, his voice acidic like it wasn't a good thing, the best thing I could be.

_What if he was on that ship? What will I do? _ I knew exactly what I'd do: go back to the Normandy and follow that damned Collector ship until he was safe again.

I felt helpless and numb. I reached out slightly and opened my mouth to speak. But then I couldn't. I couldn't. Not because of the emotional state I was in, though that would have soon been the reason anyway.

No. That was not why.

Everything seemed to instantly go into slow motion. I didn't understand why at first. It was like my mind knew it was him just from the approaching shadow in the corner of my eye. I felt my stomach turn and twist, knotting in my throat. My knees felt weak and a silent sob fell from my lips. A rush of emotions flew through me as he began to speak.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy," he said in his smooth, husky voice. Just the sound of it made me want to cry. "First human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." Kaidan turned to the man. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan." He turned back to me, his voice dropping in volume slightly and deepening. "And a ghost."

I wanted to punch this "Delan" guy when he scoffed and said, "All the people we lost today and you get left behind. Figures." His arms dropped to his sides and he shook his head. "Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types." Delan waved his hand at us and stormed away, back toward the main area of the colony.

I couldn't care less really. My insides were twirling and jumping. My face was hot and I fought back tears. I wasn't even looking at the colonist at all during that time. Kaidan. I actually met him. The Illusive Man said he was here, but I thought I'd have to search for him, and I wasn't sure I even wanted to do that. But… Kaidan… Kaidan.

When I woke up, he was the first person I wanted to see. I was fighting my way through that Lazarus facility only in hopes that Kaidan was there or somewhere nearby. I turned every corner, my chest bubbling up with ope that I would see him there, fighting off mechs for us to escape. I didn't though. And then Jacob told me everyone had moved on. That it had been two years. That Kaidan wasn't there, and wouldn't be coming. I didn't even want to fight my way out. I just wanted to sit and wait to see what would happen to me. I felt so alone, so abandoned. I love him so much.

And now he is here. In front of me. A sob tore through me and a smile broke through. I felt my eyes begin to tingle with tears begging to be let out and my throat burn.

He walked forward, too slowly.

I felt Garrus' eyes on me, seeing how much I was at Kaidan's mercy and had been.

Kaidan. I looked him over. His eyes searched my face for something, I'm not sure what. I just wanted to see him. His eyes were still a dark, molten chocolate brown. I tried not to lose myself in them too early in fear of losing my chance to look at the rest of him. His hair was the same length, but messy, like he had bedhead ever since the last time I saw him and it made itself look tidy from repeated presence. Beneath his eyes were slight circles that worried me. He was muscled, I could tell, beneath his armor, like Jacob. This was different though… I had seen Kaidan's muscles in person, felt them under my fingertips, traced their lines idly as we laid in each others' arms. My eyes met his and I dropped my gaze to the Alliance symbol on his armor, my face, ears, and neck burning. I don't know if Kaidan knew, either by my telling him or him realizing on his own, but he was my first. I never let anyone touch me, except Kaidan. I broke my gaze from the white-on-blue paint, wishing I had the same brand on my suit instead of Cerberus' mark.

I searched Kaidan's eyes again. Thane stepped back with Garrus as Kaidan took me into his arms. I melted into him. "I thought you were dead, Shepard. We all did." He held me close, and I him, never wanting to part our embrace. I had a strange feeling like I would lose him if I did. It was nearly an entire minute I got to feel his warmth again, feel his arms around me before I let go. But I did. I let go.

"I missed you so much, Kaidan. How have you been?" I felt my eyes begin to fill. It was like I was alive again. I felt so refreshed. I wanted to tell him I loved him, for real this time, actually tell him how I feel and how strongly.

Kaidan's face tightened slightly. "Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?" His voice grew in volume.

His words stung, felt like they were slicing me open. "I thought we had something, Shepard. Something _real_. I… I loved you." He took a step closer and looked away, his hands moving in the air like he was searching for something to help him find the words. I wanted to say that we did, that I love him still, that the two years I _was _dead, dreaming of him, literally, I wanted to tell him that I was so, so sorry. I tried to, even after I realized he said, "loved". Not "love". I still tried to say it, but he began before I had the chance.

"Thinking you were dead _tore me apart_. How could you put me through that," he questioned. I didn't blame him, of course, in any way. I would be upset too. He just had to let me say it all.

Kaidan began to shout now. His voice was a low growl, reflecting all the pain I had put him through. I wanted to cry. I realized I already was. "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" His face turned into a scowl, glaring at me with anger and… no, there couldn't be hate… he didn't hate me… I mean… we…

"Kaidan. Kaidan, please," I sobbed. I disguised it with a laugh and smiled a smile that said this was all a misunderstanding. I knew where this was going. "I am _so, so sorry_, Kaidan," I actually wept then. "I _was_ clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. That's why I couldn't find you. But… so… so much time has passed, and…" I tried to wipe away a tear on my face discreetly and make it look like I was itching my cheek, but it was still obvious, I think. "You… you have moved on. I-I don't want to reopen old wounds… I would have looked for you if not for that…" I thought of Kaidan every day. I was constantly in a battle with myself of whether or not I should try and find him, but only two months alive hasn't been kind.

Kaidan looked down. "I did move on," he whispered. It cut through me and burned. It felt like I had swallowed acid and it was seeping into my heart and flooding into my veins. "Or, at least… I thought I did. But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus."

Garrus chimed in, reminding me he was here and Kaidan wasn't the only thing in the world. "So you already knew?"

Kaidan looked tired and worn out, like seeing me and talking about this was wearing him down. I wanted to smooth the groove between his brows away with my thumb and just hold him, tell him it was okay and he didn't have to say anymore, I understood. He doesn't love me anymore. He might hate me for cooperating with Cerberus. It's been _two years_ since we last saw each other. _He has moved on_.

Kaidan's hands moved through the air by his waist, like he was trying to understand something, desperately trying to piece something together. "Alliance Intel thought maybe Cerberus could be involved with the missing colonies, and were tipped this one could be next. Anderson…" Kaidan let out a hefty sigh, full of stress and frustration. "Anderson stonewalled me. There were… rumors that… you weren't dead. At first I was hopeful. Then they just made me angry. But then they got more specific. They said where you were. They described your companions. They said you were with the enemy." As he finished talking, his eyes squared with my teary ones, accusing me of the worst.

I do not trust Cerberus at all. They are monstrous. But they are right about the Collectors and the Reapers. They are the only ones who will face it, and I won't let the Reapers take the galaxy, ever, no matter who I have to cooperate with. "Our colonies are disappearing, Kaidan," I explained, trying to get him to see everything I've wanted to say, everything I have to say. "The Alliance turned its back on them, and, unfortunately, however much I hate Cerberus, they are the only ones willing to do anything about it, Kaidan." I reached out to him, trying to take his hand. He jerked away and stepped toward me.

Kaidan started to yell at me. "You can't really believe that! We both know what Cerberus is really like, Shepard, and what they are capable of!" I wanted to just drop it and say he was right and beg for forgiveness and for him to never leave me and I'll explain everything later, after we've talked. "I wanted so much to believe the rumors that you were really alive, somewhere out there, still here, but I _never _expected anything like _this_!" Kaidan kept walking toward me, until I was forced to take a step back. "_You backed down on everything we believed in!_"Kaidan was nearly screaming in my face, his expression contorted and twisted in pure anger and hate. "You betrayed the Alliance." His voice dropped, but he seemed even more hurt and disbelieving than when he was screaming. Kaidan's eyes returned to mine after he shook his head. "You betrayed me." I felt my heart leave my chest, or evaporate, or shatter, or whatever it does when it doesn't belong to you anymore.

My eyes widened and I quickly tried to say something, to counter what he said and burst out first with a huge "I love you" or something to get his attention and stop talking, or something. I just… I needed to do… something… Tears openly flowed from my eyes. I got that sensation in my chest like I'm being burned by ice, like all is doomed. I get this feeling during an intense fight when I'm dying or badly injured. When my life is falling from my body. "Kaidan, please. You know I'd only do this for the right reason. And you s-saw it for yourself. The collectors are abducting the colonies and are working for the R-Reapers…"

I risked a step toward him, and he didn't step away. "I want to believe you, Shapard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the idea of a Reaper threat to manipulate you, after all you've done." I wanted to say, "What _we've _done." My voice wouldn't work. "What if Cerberus is the one behind it? What if they are the ones working for the Reapers?"

There was a moment of silence as I shook my head back and forth slowly, not wanting to accept this is what was happening at our reunion. "Please…" I whispered. My voice cracked and tears stained my cheeks, my face flushed from shock and stress and love and frustration and many more things all together. For a second I saw a flash of something in his eyes, like he regretted saying those things and he believed me, and he loved me, and he would come with me. It was so ideal to me that I dismissed it as what my mind was projecting onto him to help me cope.

Garrus growled and threw his hands in the air. "Damn it, Kaidan! You are _so_ focused on Cerberus that you aren't seeing the _real_ threat!" I appreciated what he was trying to do, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to do much good. Thane was confused but still could tell this was not going well, that when this did not end well it would ruin me.

I said something anyways. "You are letting your feelings about their decisions in the past get in the way of the facts." I felt how my voice was becoming more and more shielded, composed, and my mind went blank and my heart began to feel numb and devoid of everything.

Kaidan nearly interrupted me. "Maybe, sure. But maybe you feel like you owe them for bringing you back. _Maybe_, just maybe _you_ are the one who isn't thinking straight." His eyes now had a hardness that seemed impenetrable. "You've changed. But I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. I _always_ will be. I have to report back to the Citadel. They will decide if they believe your story or not." He spat his words out, like… like he hated me. Like I was garbage.

Kaidan turned away from me. His dark, beautiful black hair replaced my view of his handsome face. His armored boots made soft crunching sounds in the dirt as he walked away.

I fell into a pit, one I knew I wouldn't be able to get myself out of, ever. He would only be the one to get me out, and he didn't want to. He hated me. I sobbed twice and more tears came. "Please don't, Kaidan! Please… please don't go. Don't… don't leave me…" I whispered. He turned around and his gaze still held fire, but there was also warmth. A spark of hope ignited within me. I scrambled for a viable reason for him to stay, instead of just my feelings, since those didn't really matter much anymore. Kaidan might stay. It didn't matter to me if my feelings were irrelevant, so long as he was at my side, so long as I got to be near him and protect him. "I, uh, I could really use someone like you on my crew. It… it would be just like old times!" I had started to talk again when I felt within the quiet, still atmosphere that he wouldn't come with me, my voice fading with my hope. I tried to sound happy and hopeful, but it came out as a desperate and hurt cry for help. "You know? It… we would save lives together, like before, and… and we would have Garrus… and…"

"No, it will not. I will never work for Cerberus."

There was a moment when I actually felt something pull out of my chest, like my heart was attached to a string tied to him, staying with him wherever he went, whatever he was doing.

Imaged flashed over my eyes of before. When I was new to the Normandy. When I first met Kaidan, when I met the crew, when I became a Spectre and when Kaidan and I nearly kissed when we were grounded–I felt like such a teenager then, my first kiss being taken on a state-of-the-art Alliance ship by the man and soldier I loved. That night before Ilos, when I gave myself up. Twenty-two years I had waited for that night, when I would make love for the first time with the one man I would ever love. It was perfect. The night after we won the fight with Sovereign and Kaidan and I just held each other close, lying awake.

Kaidan turned and left. I don't think he heard, when I said, "I love you, forever, more than you will ever know." I don't know if he actually heard it. I might have thought it. I might have barely whispered it. I don't know.

But I do know I should have said it.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Please review! Too emotional? Not descriptive enough? Grammar or spelling? All of it helps!

And in case any of you have also read the story, _Abandoned by Words Unsaid_, allow me to clear things up a bit: That's my story too. I added a few things to it and changed Mordin to Thane, because, let's be honest, Thane is WAYYY awesomer than Mordin.


	3. Complications

Tali was furious. She couldn't believe Kaidan would do that. She dared a glance over to her friend laying on the bed, the sheets removed from over her. Her body was flushed and her face wan, every inch of her covered in sweat. She felt so helpless. She didn't know anything about human health or how to take care of them, beyond binding a wound and medi-gel. A shudder ran through her as she thought of what would have happened if Dr. Chakwas wasn't here. She fidgeted angrily. Her weight shifted back and forth between feet every few seconds. With a look back to Garrus, she asked, "So he just left? And you let him? When Shepard was in tears in front of you because of him?" Acid seeped through her tone. When Garrus looked down shamefully, she sighed and put her hand to her head, a headache growing. "I'm sorry. I know you were more concerned about Shepard. I would be too. But of course, I'd have given 'im a good slap first, being a fellow woman." Garrus gave a slight smile, anxiety and care showing on his face as he watched Shepard. "I just… I can't _believe_ K-… he would be able to… I understand him being upset, but… don't you remember how close they were before? They loved each other so much! Clearly she still loves him, but…" her voice wandered.

"It's hard to imagine. Back then, no one would ever even be able to imagine they'd be in this situation. They were head over heels in love," Garrus finished for her.

Kasumi contemplated what Garrus had told them about what happened. "Well, a breakup doesn't give you a chronic fever." After a minute or two of silence, she continued. "Maybe she was upset and so wasn't as careful with her hygiene? Didn't really care if her apple had fallen on the ground and ate it anyways? Hm. It's something to think about."

Grunt stood between Garrus and Kasumi, slightly out of the group. He looked at the others three in the conversation. They were all watching as Chakwas wiped sweat from Shepard's face and Thane worked on bandaging the last one of her hands. "Hey." They all looked at him. "Who is Kaidan?" His voice was too loud. No one could cover his mouth in time or tell him to shut up.

A scream erupted throughout the room, echoing and reverberating in everyone's ears. There was no doubt in the room that the entire crew could hear it. It sent a chill up Thane's spine and gave Joker goose bumps. Chakwas had to cover her elder ears. It quickly turned into a wild fit of sobs and gasps. Evey was writhing on the bed, tears running down her cheeks. Her spine arched and fell repeatedly, twisting her body. Her arms flailed about in tense patterns, fists clenching. Her legs stretched out to their full length, her feet nearly touching the edge of the mattress. "No! No…!" she sobbed, her chest trembling. "No… don't go! Please! Ahh!" Thane held her arms while Kelly, Garrus, and Tali held down her legs and torso. "Please… don't… Aggh!" Her face twisted in pain. Some capillaries in her nose burst from high blood pressure and a thin stream of blood slowly ran down her jaw and into her mouth.

"Siha!" Thane's rough voice called out, rumbling close to Shepard's ear. "Siha, shh. Shh. It's okay. It's alright. You're safe. Shh, Siha." Her body slowly relaxed after many agonizing moments of soothing Shepard out of her nightmare. Joker held a tissue under Shepard's nose, wiping away any last drops of blood. The assassin continued to whisper comforting words to her, his voice grounding her and bringing her back.

As Joker sat back since the blood was gone from her nose and it was no longer bleeding, her eyes fluttered open. The tears continued to fall. "Where…" she rasped.

Dr. Chakwas laid her hand on Shep's arm, Thane's left hand cupping her cheek. "You are on the Normandy, Commander Shepard. You have a fever. No, don't try to sit up…!" Kelly gently eased Shepard back down onto the damp bed.

"It's okay, Commander. We're here. You need to relax."

Once again, Shepard brought herself up to her elbows, attempting to rise from the bed. "I need… I need…" she mumbled incoherently.

Thane was put at ease at the sight of her out of that horrific dream. Whatever it was about, it must have been terrifying, he thought. "What you need, Siha, is rest. Please…" She managed to look him in the eye, the pants that had been falling from her lips almost visible in the air.

"Shouldn't we bring her down to the med bay?" Tali asked shyly. She wanted nothing other than to hold Shepard's hand right now.

"Yes, but I'll need one of you to carry her. We don't have any gurneys."

Thane pushed the blankets farther off of her. He carefully put his arms under her thighs and shoulders, wrapping his arms around her securely. "Wrap your arms around my neck." She leaned up and held onto him with all her strength as he lifted her. "Be careful she doesn't hit you with her legs, doctor."

Chakwas dodged Shep's swinging legs and gathered her supplies, placing them all neatly back into her case. She moved out of the way for Thane and Evey to pass, her calves against the side of the bed due to the small passage along the side of the bed. He walked by and was met with Tali, Garrus, Grunt, and Joker. Tali put her fingers to where her lips would be through the mask and reach out, pressing them to Evey's forehead. "You'll get well, Shepard. You better."

Grunt merely watched with Garrus as Thane walked by. Joker murmured a frustrated, "_Shit!_"

That all followed behind Thane to the door, Kelly pushing the button to open it. He walked over to the elevator. They all packed into the small space, herding near the opposite corner that Shepard was at to give her space.

She continued to mumble as they went down to the med bay. "I need… to find... I lost… I need to find…" Her eyes were distant, like she was looking at something different than we all were.

Thane felt a pang of fear for his commander, combined with something else he couldn't name. "Shush, Siha. We're beinging you to the med bay," he said as he gave everyone else a knowing look. They had all heard what she had said as well. Garrus' mandibles flare and trembled with rage as his doubts were confirmed, and Tali began to sigh angrily. They blamed Kaidan for what was happening to Shepard.

She rested her head on his shoulder and he felt her hot breath ghosting over his neck, chilling him to the bone. As time went by, her normally smooth and gentle yet sultry voice had turned hoarse and scratchy, more like Thane's.

The doors to the elevator opened and the doctor rushed out ahead of them, opening the door to the infirmary and readying a bed. "Is she still hot or is she chilled?" she called.

"Siha, do you feel cold or warm?"

He looked down at her, seeing her teeth were chattering and her skin was covered in goose bumps. "I-I'm f… freezing…"

Garrus went ahead, past the soldiers socializing in the dining area gaping at their commander, to tell Chakwas.

Once they had reached the bed, he laid her down gently. She let go of him and slumped against the cold table. Chakwas walked over and laid a blanket over her. Thane saw the syringe she was getting and quickly took hold of Shepard's hands. That was a big needle. She looked up at him and smiled sweetly. "You don't need to worry about me. As soon as I get some meds, I'll get better."

The thoughtful drell grinned and asked what her favorite color was. As planned, just as Shepard answered, Chakwas inserted the needle into Shepard's arm. She barely even flinched and said purple. Metallic purple. No surprise there. Explains why she has metallic purple dye in some spots of her pitch black hair.

"Interesting. Is that why you have purple in your hair?" He was making small talk and the others in the room could tell.

"Yes." The serious and defiant tone in her answer surprised him, turning the conversation less lighthearted. "It used to be red. Before that, it was silver. When I was younger, it was bright blue and pink. I always… I always made myself look different because everyone around me was changing. When I was on Earth, in the gangs, my hair was real short, and red and orange. It made me look dangerous. When I got left the gang, I let my natural hair come back. Then I entered the military. I dyed it silver because it looked sophisticated and I wanted to be taken seriously. When I got higher ranking, I died it red, to signify that I was capable. When I dyed my hair, it wasn't because I wanted people to see it and be more inclined to promote me or take me seriously. It was because I had earned it. Now, none of that matters. I dyed my hair… with purple, because I wanted to be what I wanted. Not what others made me out to be." Her eyes were serious and lively. Clearly, this was something she had always wanted but was afraid to do.

"_That_," Thane said after a moment, "is the attitude of a siha." She laughed quietly and leaned back onto the pillow that Chakwas had put under her head. It dawned on him that he didn't know much about her. "What is your favorite film?"

Her face flushed a deep scarlet and she looked away, her hands pulling back to fold over her torso. "Don't have one." Her voice quivered.

His ego blossomed, proud he had caught her bluffing and caught onto something clearly rarely discussed. "Oh? I could have sworn that the same group of dialogue plays through the door to your room whenever we call on you."

Her face burned bright red. "Uh, maybe it's just a similar vid to the original."

He smiled, glad that she was speaking clearly. "So there is an original to be similar to." She huffed and crossed her arms.

"Oh fine! It's old. From the 21st century." That is old, he thought. "It's called _V for Vendetta_…" she mumbled.

He heard a hum to his left and turned to the sound of Tali's voice. "I have actually seen that one. It's very emotional. I cried at the end when V died. It was so sad!" Tali stomped her foot in evident vexation. Suddenly Shepard shot up from her laying position and started yelling.

"_I know!_ It's ridiculous! He should have lived and been with Evey! They were so in love it's just _stupid_ to make him die! He shouldn't have even gone to Creedy! Let it go! He loved Evey so much and he just left her! She even kissed his mask! And…! Woah…" Her hand held her forehead and she leaned back carefully, Garrus guiding her. They were the only ones in the room besides Chakwas. The doc had told them to wait outside, that the least amount of people should be near Shepard.

"You have a headache. And a fever, not to mention. Relax." Garrus fixed the blanket that had been tossed about in Evey's fit.

"I guess she really likes that movie!" Tali whispered into Thane's ear. He chuckled and laid his hand on Shepard's forehead. His best friend was so sick, it had him feeling nauseous.

Garrus and Tali sat in chairs around the table, and we sat and talked for a while, relaxing Shepard and keeping her company. Occasionally someone would come in to check on her. After about an hour, Shepard dosed off while Tali and Garrus were talking about a comedian they both found particularly humorous. They fell silent for a few seconds, watching as Shep's eyes darted around beneath eyelids.

The quiet did not last long. "Why do you think she got this sick?" Tali asked Chakwas as she walked by.

She stopped was still for a moment and then slowly walked over. There was a warm yet worried look in her eyes as she gave Evey a once-over. Her hands fell on the end of the table and she looked down at them, tapping the metal as she thought. Abruptly, she looked up and shook her head, saying, "I have no idea. I can tell that it started as a mere sniffles or cold but…" Her mouth pulled up into a firm line, her face puzzled. "She didn't seek any treatment or any sort of help. It could have easily been avoided, and this," she waved her arm up at the sleeping commander, "even more so. She probably didn't want to bother, thinking she would be able to shake it off. Knowing her, she was only focused on helping her team and keeping them safe. To her, that is far more important than a simple case of a cold. If she can still aim her gun and use her biotics, she sees no reason to bother, I guess." She left the table and paced a few square feet. "The fact that she was able to keep this hidden is both concerning and commendable. EDI knew, but is required to follow the commander's order unless it is a threat to the safety of the crew and commander. It took this long for EDI to say anything, and that is unavoidable. But she even went through sparring sessions, some lasting over a half hour. She still went on missions, and no losses in efficiency were suffered." The doctor turned back and returned to tapping on the table and looking at Shepard's sleeping face. "It is utterly remarkable. She even held a shotgun earlier, fully prepared to shoot and attack, under the impression Joker was being attacked. She could not go on like that much longer." There was a long silence when they all realized just how much Evey had gone under in the last two weeks. "Incredible. It's hard to wrap your head around it."

They stayed like that, quiet, even after Chakwas had turned and left, revisiting the work at her desk. Garrus looked about, noting the concerned looks on the crew outside in the mess hall. Gardner was pacing behind his counter, rarely checking on the soup cooking or the bread baking. More often he was glancing into the medical bay. Grunt leaned against one of the pillars near the tables, talking with Zaeed. Samara and Jack stood a few feet away, not talking but near each other. Miranda and Jacob were sitting across from each other, talking about something important, by appearances. Kasumi and Mordin were speaking with the rest of the crew, explaining the situation and conversing. Joker probably went back to the cockpit, not wanting EDI having more control of the ship than he did anymore. Garrus noted that there was an unusual atmosphere in the ship. Usually, there were groups that people stuck to. Either they were at their stations, or talking to a select few. Now, though not everyone was talking in one big group, they all seemed unified. The concern for their commander had brought them together in a way far beyond a clique.

Thane and Tali sat on the other side of Shepard, closest to the door. They both had their heads bowed, hands together. They were praying for Shepard, that she would get better and come back to her post safely, that she would recover from this catastrophic episode and be herself again. Garrus wished he had a god to pray to right now. He didn't know what to do. He no longer believed in religion. He couldn't bring himself to really believe in it after all that had happened in his life, and others' lives, in the universe. No god would allow everything that has happened to happen, if they were worth praying to. For the moment, however, he would cling to the idea that the gods were putting it all back together as they sat here, that there was some kind of divine intervention, that there _was_ a plan to everything, that Shepard's illness was a simple test she would pass and then prosper. He bowed his head and held one of Shep's hands as Thane did, and prayed like he had never prayed before. If there are gods, he thought, and they take away this wonderful person, this friend, away, there is no hope—he would never forgive them for taking the life from such a wonderful person. He believes she deserves to live far more than himself. _If you must take a life today, make it mine, not hers._

Hours passed, one of them at a time leaving once or twice for bathroom or drink or food, then returning to their place next to Evey. Chakwas had fallen asleep at her desk, her arm supporting her head, ever keeping a watchful, almost motherly, eye on Shepard.

Around twenty-one hundred hours Shepard began to groan and stir. Tali, at this point, was off getting another blanket. Her restlessness soon became worse, her muscles sometimes twitching. Her brow creased and her fingers constantly were kneading the sheet over her. Thane put his hand into hers and let her short nails scratch his skin, gripping his fingers. The vein in her temple had swollen slightly and the sheen of sweat that had been gradually fading as the antibiotics spread returned. Beads of water dotted her forehead and her breath came in quick gasps, like it took effort to breathe. Garrus and Thane did all they could to calm her.

"… nah…" she whispered, her head rolling to the side. "N… Noo…" Her legs moved under the sheet, pulling the cover off her. Her entire body was flushed, and her arms pulled from Thane and Garrus, edgily moving about her torso. "No…"

"Shepard, calm down." Garrus tried to calm her, to no avail. As he went over to Chakwas to wake her and ask for help, Evey's back arched off the table, her nails digging into the plastic top. Her legs were taught and even the muscles in her calves were rock hard they were clenched so tightly. Her heels rubbed against the surface. Evey's mouth opened in a silent scream. When her throat loosened, she gasped loudly for air. A bone-chilling scream shook the glass windows. The crew outside shot up, their eyes darting about for the source until they came upon the med bay. Surprisingly, Jack was the first to start running their way.

Chakwas nearly fell out of her chair when Shepard screamed. Garrus' mandibles quivered violently as his sensitive turian ears felt the vibrations. Thane stood and tried to lessen the tension in her body, rubbing her leg and shoulder. Her veins in her neck flexed under Thane's palm. He gave that up and tried to wake her. "Siha! Siha, pease wake up! Please, stop! It's okay! You are safe, siha!" His hands held her face and one of her arms moved as fast as light, gripping his forearm. The outer edge of his thumbs became wet as drops of moisture fell from Evey's eyes. It was like upstairs all over again. She cried and sobbed, but this was more agonizing because she was clearly in pain.

Chakwas ran over and put her hand to Evey's head, the short black tendrils of hair sticking together with sweat sticking out between her fingers. Thane had no idea what she was doing but didn't care. He just kept begging Evey to come back to reality, to end this nightmare. Her grip on his arm seemed deliberate, needy, like she was clinging to him for help.

It made him feel helpless, useless.

Garrus tried to keep their crewmates out, but Jack slipped through. She sprinted for the bed, an unusual look of anxiety plaguing her face. "Did you check for a biotic nightmare?" She screamed over Shepard. Chakwas suddenly went rigid and not half a second later turned back to her supply cabinet. She came back with two pills in her hand and another syringe.

Jack bounced on the balls on her feet, shouting at Thane to help her hold Shepard down. He held her arms as she held her legs. He didn't ask why because he had no better ideas. Her heart was racing and tears threatened to fall from his eyes. He hadn't cried in years.

Chakwas pushed Evey's head to the side. Secretly, he worried if by doing so, she had torn some of the veins in Shepard's neck they were to constricted, though he knew it was bizarre.

A needle was pushed into Evey's neck, and a gurgled sob broke through her. Just as the blue-tinted liquid within it was drained into her body, Chakwas quickly took advantage of the fact that Shepard's mouth was open wide and plopped two pills into her throat. Shepard gagged and the thought that she might choke ran through all their minds. The pills went down, though, and whatever she was given had worked. Her body slowly let its muscles relax and her body went flat against the table. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying and her fingers twitched. Thane was half-panting half-sobbing as she quieted down. Chakwas let out a loud, long sigh and slumped into Garrus' old chair. Jack leaned forward and tried to get a look at Evey's face.

"That was worse than any biotic nightmare I've ever had…" there was amazement in Jack's voice. "And I'm a biotic machine…"

Thane slumped forward, a huge breath rushing through his lips. His head rested on Shepard's chest, his forehead laying on her last rib. His chest heaved as his heart slowed. Chakwas offered him help, but he waved his hand through the air offhandedly, letting it drop to Evey's stomach. That had taken too much out of him.

It was quiet for a moment, and the two women watched as Thane caught his breath and Shepard slowly woke up, more than half asleep.

"Do you love her, lizard?" Jack asked bluntly.

He whispered, "Yes."

"Oho. That explains a lot."

"I love her as a cherished sister, Jack, nothing more. Not in that way."

"What the fuck other way is…"

"Shhhh. Shepard is sleeping."

Jack growled and said, "Well then how? You're pretty upset over this." Her arms crossed over her chest.

Thane sat back in his chair and his arms fell toward the sleeping girl on the table. His hand found hers and held it tightly. He looked at her, a pang running through him at the sight of a warrior angel so vulnerable. "She… is magnificent. She is fun to be around, and kind, and smart, funny, caring, compassionate, and empathetic. She is merciful always but does not stand for injustices. She fights like a panther. She strikes like a snake and hits with the strength and ferocity of a bear. Yet, still, she can hold someone with such gentle hands and care for someone with a warm heart and kind voice." His thumb brushed along her hand. "She is siha."

He looked up at Jack. His gaze bore into her, piercing her and seeing through all of her facades. "She is worth the love."

Jack's face was pink, and she could feel the heat on her cheeks. "Uh-well. So you don't wanna screw her. You ain't into her like that?" She pretended to not understand love, but really she knew exactly what he was talking about.

He looked back to Shepard and leaned against the table again. "No. She is beautiful, but no."

Though Jack wanted to stay and watch over Shepard to make sure she turned out alright, she grumbled a stubborn, "Fuckin' prissy lizard," and left.

Chakwas assured Thane that it was alright and she understood, and it was just Jack being Jack.

Eventually Shepard woke up. She didn't remember anything but seemed reluctant to tell them what her nightmare was of. Chakwas told her of Thane's concern for her and she got up just to hug and thank him then laid down again. They began to talk about miscellaneous things again once Tali had returned, feeling awful for being absent for the episode. Thane waited until Chakwas has fallen asleep in her bunk in the next room and everyone had been sent away to bed by the commander, saying they needed to sleep. Thane had doubled back when no one would notice and sat down next to her vigilant again.

He didn't speak for a few moments after Shepard had turned on her side, welcoming his return. "Siha… what was your nightmare about?"

"Nothing important. How have you been doing?"

"Don't try to change the subject. I am not going to drop this. You have no idea how worried I was. It took at least five minutes for me to recuperate. Tell me what happened." He put his smooth hand on her forearm, reassuring her.

She smiled and put her hand over his. "I'm sorry I made you worry, but really, it was nothing."

He stared into her eyes for a long two minutes before she sighed and sat up carefully. Thane reached behind her and pulled the blanket around her, wrapping her in a tight, warm cocoon. Her legs dangled off the edge of the bed. "Well, I've just been a little stressed. It wasn't that bad."

He put his hand on her shoulder through the blanket and whispered kindly, "A nightmare that is not that bad doesn't leave a person in the state you are in. Nor does it do the things to a person that it did to you."

Evey's eyes fell and her feet were pulled up into the blanket, sitting indian style. "Do you remember Horizon?"


	4. What I'm Afraid Of

Alright, people. This chapter is a little emotional, and I hope it isn't too weird for you guys since you're only seen the battle hard Shepard of the game. Then again, you're in the Shenko fanbase, so you shouldn't expect any less. ON WITH THE GOOSHINESS!

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The table felt cold against the sides of my thighs. I pushed the edges of the blanket under them for insulation. Thane's deep, dark eyes penetrated me every time I looked up at him. My hands were tightly wound together under the blanket. It wasn't easy trying to act unfazed when I was on Horizon, and it isn't any easier now.

"I… Do you remember that person… Oh, what am I saying. You have perfect memory. Of course you'd remember everything." I broke out in a goofy smile and scratched the back of my head idly. He didn't say anything—probably catching on to my attempt to change the subject of conversation. I lowered my hand and tried to keep the smile. Steeling myself for whatever was to come, I tried not to think about the one thing we were talking about, the one thing I didn't want to talk about. I knew I'd have to.

His expression was patient and warm. Thane is such a perplexing and yet simple person. You can never figure him out all the way, but there are things about him, like he cares, is wise, is reflective, and puts those he loves before himself. I felt a little relieved when I saw his face and he reached out and put his hand on mine. A small smile graced my lips that had fallen back into a frown. I curled my fingers around his hand, squeezing gently in thanks. "That man we met on Horizon, the soldier for the Alliance… I knew him, obviously. Kaidan…"His name felt alien on my lips, like I wasn't allowed to say it. I hadn't said it in so long. "Back when I was tracking Saren and fighting the geth, and then defeating Sovereign, we… were uhm…" I felt my face become warm, spreading across my neck and down all over my body. "We broke regulations and were seeing each other, if you could call it that." As a quiet laugh fell from my chest, a memory of when we were grounded blossomed behind my eyes. I was taken away from where I was and landed sitting on the floor by my locker, feeling abandoned and betrayed. I had heard footsteps coming and so wiped my tears and collected myself. When I saw who it was I felt my shoulders relax and my body return to its slump. My head fell back against the metal locker. I heard Kaidan's voice ask if I was okay. At the faded memory of the warmth that spread through me at the time, I halted the memory.

I peered up at the drell in front of me, wondering how we had become so close is such a short time. Before and after every mission, I went down to see Thane, and we would confide in each other like siblings. He knew me—or more rather the tough, perpetually unfazed me, until now—better than anyone had in two years. And as far as I can tell, I know him better than anyone has in a long while as well. It is nice to have someone like that, not just Cerberus operatives and AIs all telling me the odds of success are practically nonexistent. I have Garrus, Tali, and Joker, and we are very close, but they are almost always busy, and Joker isn't the conversation type. Chakwas knows everything without you needing to talk to her. She's like a mother towards each of us, especially me. She knows that the pressure is on, and that I still haven't truly grasped that two years has passed. She doesn't even need to try.

By the time I had finished that thought, Thane was looking at me inquisitively. "Shepard, are you alright?" I smiled back and nodded. I feel bad for laying this on him, but he has to know.

"I don't know if he was as, involved, as I was, but… God, he means everything to me." My head shook slightly in disbelief that I had fallen so hard. "I mean he, he just," I smiled involuntarily, happiness seeping through my pores. "He is so… indescribable, really. He's… he is a great soldier, exceedingly impressive, and his biotics are just so… awesome!" A low, reverberating chuckle sounded from Thane. "He… he is so nice, and he _never_ is hurtful, always considering others, and he's actually, _really_ smart. I was surprised at first, but he might be smarter than me!" I whispered playfully. "And he is just do handsome, and strong, and he has such beautiful hair, I couldn't stop running my hands through it that night before Illos, when…"I abruptly stopped talking, my face burning bright, bright red. I realized I had just gone on a rant about how perfect Kaidan was and started talking about… that night.

My voice was quiet and shy as I said, "Uhm… Uhh… we… well, we kind of, broke… regulations, again… and… we…" My hand raised and the back of my palm pressed against my mouth. The hand that held Thane's was restless, my thumb tapping on his hand nervously. This is so embarrassing.

Wait. Embarassing? What am I, some teenager smitten with the neighborhood boy? I'm already, what, twenty-two? No, twenty four, now, since it was two years. But I just… even thinking about him makes me feel… so… I don't know. Its beyond words…

"It was the night you made love?" I froze. My eyes rose up at him with a look of pure astonishment.

I stuttered for a few seconds, then choked out, "W… what?" The burning fire in my cheeks shot straight to my heart and my stomach. My insides did flips and my blood pounded. It was true, so why was I acting so weird?

Thane seemed deflated. "Oh. It was not? I just thought, with how you were speaking…"

My eyes were wide and watery. "Uh! Well," my arm went back to my lap and I looked away. "Yeah. We did. It's just embarrassing, because…"

A thick silence fell over us. I knew exactly why it was so embarrassing. "It seems like the words don't fit what happened, right? Like no word or term for what you did does it justice."

I shifted in my wrapping of blankets. "Yeah… I just… I love him… so much. And now, I just… its hard to really fathom that two years had passed. When I went down with the Normandy, I suffocated to death, and I barely remember it. Like you—or humans, not _you_—don't really remember what happens right before we fall asleep. All I remember… Is a tightness in my chest, and seeing the escape pods shooting away from the Normandy, and feeling so, so freaking thankful and relieved that they had made it. I had no idea what I'd do if… well, it wouldn't really matter, because I was dying. I saw the first pod, the one that had Kaidan in it, make it out of the explosion range. I was crying, but it wasn't sad. And then… I woke up. It felt as though I had only slept in really late. When I was awake again, there was the brightness of the lab lights, and an alarm. The Cerberus station was under attack. I had to get out, but every time I turned a corner, I was begging with all my heart and half hoping that I'd see Kaidan. That he would explain what was happening, and he would tell me everything would be okay." My voice quaked and trembled, remembering how afraid I was. "He wasn't there, obviously. Then I found out I had been rescued by Cerberus. That the Reapers were coming again, and that Collectors were taking human colonies. That if I wanted to stop the enemy, and save everyone, I'd have to work with them, because the Alliance and Council were doing nothing!" A tear rolled don my cheek quickly. I looked back to Thane sharply, raising my voice. "Do you have any idea how hard that is? To try and absorb all that in one day, and accept that the people you were following orders from and trusting your life, your crew's lives, _everyone's lives_, to were doing nothing to stop the Reapers, they were just deciding to sit by and watch everything be destroyed?" My hand around his trembled and I bit back tears. "I-I… they didn't even care! And now, now _I _have to do it practically by myself! I am the only one doing anything, and, I… I just…" I sobbed and cleared my throat, wiping my eyes. "I have your lives to fight for. I, I have to stop the Collectors and the Reapers, all by myself, and… and I have to save you guys, while we fight, and it's just…! I… I don't want to fail… but I know that I'm probably going to because I have to do it with a small crew, and no one else."

Thane stood and whispered, "Shh, shh, shh. I know. It will be alright, Siha. You will do it. You have us, and our support. Once we prove the Collectors are real, and a threat, the Alliance will join us in the fight against the Reapers. You will be alright, we will be alright. Please, be calm, Siha," and collected my weak form in his arms. I felt the tears begin to flow and I reached up and clutched Thane's leather jacket. His head bowed and rested in my hair. "All will be well. You just need to be confident of this."

I tried not to get any tears on his coat as I looked up at him and his arms fell, one hand over mine as I still held his jacket. "But… what if we don't make it back? Worse, what if we don't save everyone? What if we fail, Thane? All of this will be for nothing."

He did not move as he said, "Would I lie to you?"

"That's not what I meant…"

"Would I tell you anything other than the truth?"

I was silent and looked down, my head falling against his chest. I shook my head. "No."

"Would you tell me anything others than the truth?" he asked, sounding like he already knew his answer.

After thinking for a moment, I took a deep, calming breath. "I could. Like if I get shot on the Omega 4 relay mission and was slowly bleeding out, I would not tell you. I would say I was fine and only got skimmed with the bullet. I would tell you to keep moving, and I'd lead the way as a human shield. I would not let that get in the way of the mission. I would only tell you I had been shot when I was no longer able to walk. When there would be no time wasted for the mission, and you would have no choice but to leave me to keep back the following Collectors or put me out of my misery." Thane pulled my fingers out of his clothes and sat down.

"But I wouldn't leave you. And, you would have told the truth eventually. So tell me why you are having these nightmares." I frowned, disappointed in finding that my deflection hadn't worked.

"They're just nightmares, Thane. My fever and biotics combined made for a bad catnap." I shrugged and puffed out a sigh.

"I don't believe that." He looked straight back at me, his black eyes like a window to his mind. "I want for you to be honest with me."

My brow furrowed and I saw now that he felt like I didn't trust him. "I have been having dreams about Horizon. Well… more like just… Kaidan. It's not an actual scary dream, I just… It hurts." A shiver ran down my spine. "I was… I was just walking around, or stumbling, I guess… But I couldn't see what was around me. I could feel something if I touched it, but there was no sound, so sight, and no smell. Then I saw a small… light. I tried to get to it, feeling my way around. I could feel my throat vibrating as I called out, but I didn't hear it. As I got closer to it… I heard talking. One person, talking. I called out to the person, but couldn't hear my own voice. I… I finally caught up to them." I cleared my throat, hoping the tears would stay inside. "And… I felt for the man, and touched his armor. I asked for help and tried to speak to him, but he just kept speaking. His voice was too slurry through my brain and I couldn't really tell who it was or what he was saying. I clutched his shoulder and pulled him around, but he didn't move. I walked around him and it was Kaidan. Suddenly the voice becomes clearer. I'm stuck. Unable to move because I'm stuck. Shocked into silence." I felt myself be pulled from the now, and I began reliving the dream. My eyes were wide, and my vision blurred. Images of the nightmare flash over my eyes, flickering between the medbay and Thane to the dark emptiness and Kaidan's disgusted face. "He says I'm a traitor. That I betrayed him and the Alliance. I lied to him. I should have contacted him. Finding him should have been the first thing I did. I should have told him. He's moved on. He hurts. He loved me. He won't come with me. He doesn't love me. I try to say I love him. He doesn't stop talking. I tell him what happened. He doesn't believe me. I begin to cry. Tears, unmoving from my eyes. He doesn't see. He turns. I beg him to stay. I begin to wish I had tried harder. I see where it's going. I feel myself emptying. Heart pulls from chest…. Empty. Heart follows him…! He doesn't stop! No second thoughts! No love! No voice… can't hear me… he can't…! Can't see hands as they reach out! Only him! Always! Only…"

Thane had long since shot up and tried to calm me. I can't even feel myself. I fall limp in his arms, my mouth continuing to murmur my sorrow. I'm overreacting. I shouldn't be so sad.

I watch as the nightmare comes back. The last thing I saw of reality was Thane screaming for Doctor Chakwas and her sprinting over. Their voice fade and meld into a deeper, more velvety voice. I can feel myself being laid down on the table, my limp head plopping down on the bed with a silent thunk. I can tell my head falls to the side. Soon my sense of cold and warm is gone, and I can only feel the textures. I feel Thane's hand grip my blank face as I listen to Kaidan. I feel vibrations over my skin, like someone is screaming at me. I want to reach out to Thane and hold his hand, show him I'm okay. I don't want to leave this dream.

Then, as I look at Kaidan's handsome face again, finally, I feel more vibrations and I want to tell them to stop talking so loudly. I can't find my voice and my mouth won't move. I know that something is very wrong, that there is something wrong with me. I shouldn't be seeing one thing and be in another place. But I can't bring myself to care.

Then there is a vigorous sound wave and suddenly I can't feel Thane's hand holding mine or his other hand on my face. I feel a needle prick through my arm, and it hurts. I feel Thane try to grip me again, but I am torn from his grasp and he tries to keep a hold on my hand. Then even that is gone and I am left with nothing but gentle, nearly untraceable sound waves. Hands are on me, moving methodically.

I can't bring myself to wonder what they are doing, what the hell is wrong with me. I am Commander Fucking Shepard. I am not afraid.

I only listen to Kaidan as he tells me of how I hurt him. I don't say anything. I absorb every detail of what I have done to him. It is more detailed than what he said on Horizon. He tells me of how he couldn't sleep for over a week. Kaidan tells me what happened in his nightmares—nightmares that make mine seem like a candy canes and lollipops dream. He said that food had no taste.

I am Commander Fucking Shepard. I am never afraid. Especially of a nightmare.

He tells me how much he hated himself for living. He wishes he could have switched places with me. He never wanted to follow the order to save the crew. I would let my crewmates die to save you, he says, it's your fault I feel this way. He tells me he hated feeling that. Tears roll down my face.

I am not afraid.

He says he doesn't love me anymore. That he hates me for everything I've done to him. I find my voice.

"I am so, so sorry, Kaidan. I love you so much."

He turns to me and looks me straight in the eye for the first time in all the nightmares so far.

"I don't care."

I am not afraid…


	5. I Never Wanted to Lose Her

Before we go anywhere, I have to say something (or type it I guess). I am truly, absolutely sorry for how long it's been since my last chapter. I really have no excuse. Time has just slipped me by, I suppose. But I wanted to apologize and let all of you know that from here on I will be doing absolutely everything I can to get chapters in as soon as possible.

-_- I apologize. Now, I think you've waited enough…

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The beeping of the heart monitor was not helping me keep my focus. I tried to busy myself with paperwork and well, busy work, but not even those idle tasks could keep my mind off the poor Shepard. I spared a glance over at her sleeping form. She lay still, as before. Seeing her open eyes looking at something that wasn't there, blinking back tears, was unnerving. She was clearly looking at something, attentively. Tears would sometimes overflow and roll endlessly down her temples and into her hair, only to stop or short periods of time to refill her eyes. Her face was completely blank, adding to the eerie nature of her state.

With a loud sigh, I gave up on the small tasks and put my head in my hands. I sat like that, listening to the slightly heavy breathing of Evey and the rhythmic tone of the heart monitor. After a bit though, there was a knock at the door. I lifted myself out of the chair with an exhausted groan, the ache in my back prominent.

I opened the door, the noise seeming deafening in the near silent room. My hand raised to my head, pointer finger and thumb pressing my temples.

Outside there stood the same crowd as before. Garrus, Kasumi, Thane, and Tali were all here, looking solemn and drawn out like hide over a drum. I saw in the edge of the view of the mess area before the threshold most of the other crew members. Gardner has distributed coffee and the alien versions of coffee to everyone. I leaned to the side slightly and looked at the poor soldiers. A sad sigh seeped through me, slowly mixing with the sterile air.

"Is there something you needed, or are you just checking on the commander?" I inquired politely, not letting the situation get the better of me.

No one spoke at first, and it was nearly a minute before a word was uttered. "We want to talk to you about Shepard."

"Yes, well, come in. There are a few chairs about," I offered quietly. I turned back and sat at my usual seat. There were just enough chairs for everyone. They all pulled them up and sat near Shepard's bed, facing me. "What is it you want to know?" I questioned, though I knew the answer.

They sat motionless. They all looked at the ground. Seeing them so helpless and nearly afraid made me want to just let go of all these feelings and thoughts and just join them in their vigil. I knew I had to be strong for them. Usually that was what Shepard did, be strong for everyone else to lean on even if she was about to topple, but…

"Do you know why she is like this?" Garrus' rough voice grated across my mind, reminding me just what was important right now.

I straightened and looked them in the eye, taking turns switching between pairs of eyes every few seconds. "Yes. It is slightly complicated, so please let me explain fully before you ask any questions." My eyes skimmed over my hands in my lap, eventually falling to the floor and then up to Shepard. "She is not in this condition solely for the reason you think. Kasumi's theory was partially correct, but in very small part. There were three components to this, as I see it. One, the cold that she did not seek help for and exacerbated; two, her biotic implants reacting to the high temperatures; and three, the emotional traumas she has endured over the last few months," I explained in the plainest way I could muster. "I am thinking that she got the illness a few days before the Horizon mission," I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees and putting my weight on them. "She saw it only as a case of a stuffy nose or sniffle, which is probably what it was at the time, until it intensified. At first, she might have been too distraught to even care to get it taken care of if she knew. As her fever rose, along with her temperature, the biotic implants in her body might have overheated or… reacted in some way that cause her biotic dreams to happen more frequently and more worse. Her fever, at such a high level, could _easily_ cause her to hallucinate." I took a breath and noticed how Thane's arm had found its way to Shepard's bed and his hand was placed on her forearm, gently stroking her skin. "Now her biotics and fever would cause the nightmares and such, and when you add what one could do and what the other could do together… It is almost inevitable to experience some change. Her brain would focus on recent distressful events—as is what the human brain does when it is in REM sleep—and try to sort it out itself. That event, for the commander, would be Horizon." I gave each of them a long hard look, forcing my point.

They nodded slightly in agreement and comprehension. "_That_ is why she has been having such chronic nightmares about him. It is not really his fault, and each of you must realize this and explain it to the others until they understand. Garrus, for you, it would have been when you were shot up on Omega. For you, Thane, it would have been when you and Shepard were racing to save Kolyat from himself. Tali, dear, for you it would be your father. And Kasumi, it would be the incident with Keiji… My point is, her reunion and, well, parting with _that man_ just so happened to be the event her mind focused on."

They all looked at me, appreciation and relief evident in their bodies.

They each thanked me, and they all left to relay the information to the others. Thane stayed a moment and his hand didn't leave Evey's until he was out of reach. He stepped over to me and stood tall but slumped, as if struggling to keep it as is. His hands were balled into fists at his sides. His brow crunched together and his nostrils flared slightly.

"Thane?"

Thane's lower lip twitched, making his mouth momentarily look like it was a pouting child's. He breathed deeply and his muscles were rigid. His head bowed quickly and one of his arms snapped out faster than I could recognize, his knuckles colliding with the table in a, literally, shattering punch. He looked up at me, his head tipped to the left, turned down a little. "Is that what all this was about? _Him_?" he shouted. I sighed.

"This, all this, could have been avoided? Her life would not be threatened, were it not for him?" He asked, his anger running freely through his voice, the frustration weaving with each vowel. "Siha is… she could have _died_," he growled between clenched teeth. It was dead silent for a moment as his dark, dark eyes lowered to the ground as he slumped into a nearby chair. I rested my hand on his shoulder, sympathy bubbling in me. "Was he at the very least good to her while he had her? Is he a good man?"

"Oh, yes. Yes, Thane, he _is_ a good man! He is one of the most loving, gentlemanly men I have ever come across while serving. He is just confused. I was there when Shepard first went down. So was Kaidan," I whispered nearly inaudibly. "He was empty; a numb and heartbroken man. He did not sleep for almost two weeks and nearly drank himself to death. He led the search for her. Even after the search ended, he was searching. He didn't speak a word others than an order or when receiving an order. It was bone chilling to see. He is a _good man_, Thane. It is just difficult for him to accept. He still has not forgiven himself."

Thane didn't speak. He let himself calm down and relax, waiting for his fist to unclench. I felt sorry for him. "How can you be so sure of all this? It has been so long."

"Oh," I waved my hand in the air, dismissing his question. "I was near him for nearly six of those months. He was so… broken and just…. Desolate. I watched over him during that time and when I was put in charge of a military medical base on the citadel, I still kept an eye on him. He caught on and met up with me between missions—this was after he was allowed to get back in action; he was desperate to shoot something. We talked for a bit, and he said that I didn't need to babysit him. I tried to get through to him and let him tell someone about what he was going through. It didn't work and only made him more frustrated." I gave him a soft smile when he finally looked up at me. "You think you are the only one with connections and sources? Just because I'm an old lady doesn't mean I don't know how to handle myself." He chuckled and rested his head on his fist.

Thane was quiet while he watched through the window as everyone was debriefed. "Do you know where he is now, then? I wish to speak to this man who riveted and enraptured Siha so much."

I gave him a hard look, watching him for signs of coming aggression. After an extremely long and intense minute, I gave up, knowing that, being an assassin, he would be able to disguise anything if he wanted. "How would you even get the chance? Shepard would never let you speak to him. She'd come up with some excuse, if it came to it."

Without missing a beat, he countered, "Siha does not know where he is. And she is sick right now. I could just ask Joker to dock at the Citadel, and if I were asked why, I would say it was to visit Kolyat."

I should have known he'd have it planned out already. "Fine. You better not cause any trouble. Shepard is in a frail enough state as it is now." He reanimated himself, leaning toward me in interest. He gave me a quick nod, egging me to continue. "He is… He's on the Citadel. He is between missions, on shore leave. I… I don't know if we can get to him in time..."

"I can have us there in eight hours if it means Kaidan gets his ass kicked," we heard over the intercom.

I groaned and leaned back in my chair, my head beginning to throb already. "Joker…" I said, "There will be no ass kicking going on."

I heard Thane reply, "I'll see what I can do." I wasn't sure who he was speaking to.

"I'll turn this baby around." As Thane left the room, glancing out of the corner of his eye at Shepard as he went, you could hear Joker mutter, "I can't wait to see this."

I revered the silence that fell over the white room. After a while, it became so quiet I could nearly make out what was being said outside. Most of it was just jumbled mumbling, faint and incoherent.

I eventually dozed off. It was a dreamless, peaceful sleep. When I awoke, most were gone from the mess hall. Almost half the crew still remained, though.

The first thing I saw after the bleak desk face was Shepard. Seeing her—now still and quiet—reminded me of when we were on the original Normandy after Shepard had been struck by the Beacon. She had fainted, not that we'd blamed her, and Alenko had carried her back to the shuttle while Williams, bless her soul, handled anything that got in his way. When she made it to med bay, we set her up and let her rest. Every minute of this and when she was sleeping Kaidan was there by her side, watching over her. He stopped a few times and stood up to pace the floor in front of Shepard's bed, claiming that she should be up by then and cursing under his breath. When she woke up, Kaidan was the first besides myself she saw. He had shot up right from his chair, I thought warmly.

Suddenly a wave of sadness washed over me. God, if only he had come with us. Things would be so different right now. I don't know if Kaidan would be able to serve on a Cerberus ship, though. It took a whole lot of convincing to get Shepard to set foot on this godforsaken hunk of metal, and I don't suspect it would take any less than twice as much to get Kaidan to do the same. If Kaidan were here, this battle would be so different, and it would be so much easier for Shepard to cope and deal with everything. She has no one to go to for support. Her crewmembers have her to speak to and go to for help and guidance.

_Damn that man's stubborn ignorance._

With quick strides I went to life support, not sure if I was still blaming Kaidan. I battled my inner self as the door shut behind me and I sped toward my seat. Part of me, the part that was close to Shepard and would do anything for her happiness, wanted nothing more than to find Kaidan, show him what he has done to Siha, and beat every bit of my anger into him. But the part of me that knew he wasn't to blame wanted other things. It wanted to find a way to make things better between Siha and him, so she would get better faster and be happy.

I did what I usually did when conflicted. I straightened my back, folded my hand together in front of my face, and leaned my chin against them. My eyes closed almost out of habit and I fell into a state of deep thought and peace. I sat and thought for a long time, my eyes squared on the drive core within the back chamber of the ship through the window. I didn't really see what was in front of me. My gaze was unmoving as my mind sifted through the thoughts and emotions washing together in me.

The majority of the voyage was like that, silent and unmoving. I called up to Joker and he said—his voice laden thick with ulterior motive—that we would be there in just under an hour. I stood from my chair and flexed my muscles, ridding myself of their stiffness. I sat on the bed and took out my holo. I spent most of the time that was left looking up basic information about Alenko. I found several pictures of him, most clearly taken from the shadows. Some were of him with wounds, limping or leaning on Shepard's shoulder as they walked to their ship. There were his military headshots of each time he was promoted or was photographed for an accomplishment. I came across a few pictures on a celebrity gossip website with an article of him and Shepard. Sure enough, the suspicions I had accumulated as I selected the link were confirmed when several more intimate shots came up.

One was of him and Shepard. I have no idea how anyone managed to get this, but it was just outside a military base. Alenko had been shot—nothing more than a shot to his thigh that hadn't done much damage, but she was hysteric nevertheless—and was practically being dragged into the med area by Shepard. Her mouth was gaping wide, screaming orders at people with desperation equal to that of which a normal person would have if they held a dying person in their arms. Her face was constrained with worry. Her arms were wrapped around Kaidan's torso. Blood stained his upper right leg that hung limp. His right arm was wrapped around her shoulders. He was completely composed—which made several commenters suggest that he was milking his wound just so he could hold Shepard—looking straight at her beautiful face with a soft smile on his lips and a warm look in his eyes.

Another was of him and Siha at the Citadel. It appeared as though they were running late for something important. Siha was half way up a set of stairs, turned around and reaching back to Kaidan, her mouth calling for him to hurry. He was reaching up to her, their fingers inches apart. The lieutenant was smiling from ear to ear.

There were a few more akin to that, of almost confirmations of their relationships but nothing solid enough to prove anything. Still everyone raved about how they would make a perfect couple and complained about the military regulations, fervently claiming they should be allowed to be together.

There was one last one before the thread fell dead. It was at Shepard's funeral. Hundreds of people had commented, all furious at the Alliance, saying it was their entire fault that she was dead, sympathetic for her comrades, and sad at everything else. They missed Shepard. Siha was form Earth, and had always wanted to have an old fashioned ceremony before being sent out the air lock, so they honored her wishes. Kaidan was leaning over her empty coffin, hands gripping the edge of the polished golden brown wood. He wasn't wearing his military garb, instead dressed in a tuxedo, the black jacket left at his seat. The white cotton of his dress shirt stuck to his skin as the rain soaked him. He looked like he hadn't slept in days, weeks even, and like he wanted to destroy something yet to hold Siha gently. His shoulders shook with the wracking sobs as tears streamed down his face, falling onto the slick box, the droplets mixing with the rain. I looked at his face in the holo, unable to look away or find words to describe the sadness and devastation I saw as he screamed at the air.

All my plans were shattered then. I could not hurt this man. I had thought out everything I would do to him when I got him alone. Every small detail that was needed to prolong the pain that I would give him. But as I looked at his face in this picture, I couldn't find it in myself to do anything.

"Oh, Thane! We are _heeeeerreee~_! You can go whenever you're ready, but you might want to go, like uh, _now_. Don't want to miss him, eh?" The intercom turned off with a beep, cutting off his laughter.

For the first time in my existence, I walked away from a meditation session with uncertainty.

"Keelah, Shepard… who knows what Thane is up to right now." I thought aloud. Thane hadn't listened to me when I told him to stay away from Kaidan. Knowing Thane, things wouldn't remain without violence, however much he wanted it to. He cared about Shepard too much and hearing everything Kaidan would have to say—whatever it will be—would make him lose it.

When I think of Thane going to see Kaidan, I don't picture them sitting across from each other at a table humanely talking over why Kaidan hadn't come with us and, essentially, left and abandoned her. I picture more blood and a broken nose and Kaidan being unfit for duty for two plus weeks.

I glanced at Shepard through my facemask. Her face seemed to be worried as well, somehow knowing what Thane was doing. If she knew what Thane was doing, she never would have allowed him to go. Even if we had restrained her, or told her she can't go because she might collapse, or told her that she couldn't control what Thane did when he was on shore leave even as his commander, she would have found a way to get past everyone and to Thane.

Unable to continue talking to a sleeping, nearly incapacitated person, I got up and went to sit at the tables in the mess hall.

The area was quiet, sparing the few pairs of friends or couples that passed by. I watched as Kaidan pinched the bridge of his nose as he leaned forward in his seat at the Presidium bench. Over the last hour, he had sighed more times than I would care to count. He was having a migraine, his fingertips pressing to his temples frequently. Occasionally his muscles would twitch from the painful pressure in his skull. Bright colors would flicker like an old light bulb around his hands.

Kaidan sighed loudly and leaned back, relaxing his spine and stretching. He tried his best to loosen his stiff joints, to no avail. He shifted about in his seat at the bench for several more minutes, his impatience with his restlessness clearly growing.

After almost ten minutes, He pushed himself off the seat and I followed. He walked awkwardly, at different paces. He would switch from slow and almost half asleep looking to quick and desperate. It was difficult to follow him and keep a safe distance, as he was moving so strangely. As the synthetic lighting dimmed and the mock dusk fell and the crowds lessened, Kaidan was walking again, most likely to his apartment. He had stopped for some unhealthy-looking food that took less than seven minutes to eat—he seemingly doesn't care what he eats. After that he stopped at the liquor store and bought several bottles of beer and whiskey. Now he is walking.

He rounded the corner and I slipped past a large group of friends on their way to a party, not far behind. This street was empty, sparing two people talking by the side. Starting half way down, the road was lined with sets of stairs on either side, leading to apartment buildings. As Kaidan passed the first sets, He opened the bag he carried and took out a bottle of whiskey. It was nearly gone by the time he got to his building, even though it'd only been a minute. I was careful not to enter too shortly after him.

I almost fell behind too much inside, but managed to watch from the shadows and memorize the pin he entered at his door. I waited until the noise from inside had died down and I walked up to the door. I entered the pin and the door opened completely silently. I ducked inside and fell into the darkness, slinking along the walls, listening to him move through his large apartment. I spotted him quickly. He was stumbling around his living room and half drunk.

He half fell half sat on the floor leaning on the side of his sofa. He opened another bottle and took a long swig.

I moved to the other side of the room moving from shadow to shadow, confident he would not notice.

I watched for an opportunity to get him by surprise. The same frustration I had before that had been simmering within me bubbled and festered, quickly turning into anger.

"Oh, would you just get out here already!" I did not move, unsure if he was speaking to me. He couldn't be.

I was still and he threw a glass in my general direction, his drunkenness affecting his aim. "I'm not fucking stupid! Get the hell out of the shadow, you cowardly snake, and kill me like a man!" A loud hiccup shook his shoulders, and his free hand hit his chest in a fist at the slight pain from the intense convulsion.

Without a word I fixed my posture and straightened my ruffled jacket. I stepped out into the light. Shards of splintered glass cracked and crunched under my feet. I could have at the very least kept them from breaking under my weight, if not avoid the whole mess entirely, but I saw no point.

I walked around the other sofa, stopping in front of him. I didn't say anything and neither did he, for a few minutes. "Well?"

He waited for some kind of reaction, but I gave him none, instead attempting to control my anger. "Well?" His voice was raised, as if challenging me. "Do it! Kill me!"

He got to his feet with some work, and looked me dead in the eye, his height equal to mine. His eyes were wet and his demeanor was uncaring yet strong and unyielding. "I said kill me already!" He roared, his voice mad.

"No." I had said it before I'd thought about it. When analyzing it, after being said, I realized that I never wanted to kill him.

His eyebrows knotted together and his shoulders rose with ire. "_Why_?" He screamed. "Why not? Just hit me! Shoot me in the head! Do it!"

Waiting until the edge to his fury had gone out, I declared, "No."

Alenko's expression flattened and neutralized. "Fuck you."

He plopped down and returned to drinking.

No one spoke for several moments, the only sound in the room being the clinking of glass or the occasional sigh from Kaidan. He groaned and bellowed, "What do you _want_? Can't you just let me drink myself to death in peace?"

I considered actually leaving and letting him continue. He would continue to drink, I knew, and there was enough there to at least land him in need of a trip to the hospital. There would be no one to take him to the hospital and he could either die, or throw up repeatedly and give himself a fever.

I was reminded of Shepard, and how this man had been able to sway her mind and heart so much that the very memory of him could cause her to react so greatly. I looked down at the man now sitting in front of me. It occurred to me then that perhaps the two were not the same man. The same body, but the soul was different.

As Kaidan looked through the glass of the second bottle he'd emptied that night, watching the slight faux moonlight play on the metallic specs in the clear glass of the whiskey; a numb, tired look in his eye was evident, and I felt confident that this man was as broken as Siha.

As I had read in his dossier, he was an excellent soldier. He was an even better man. I'd have to take his previous fellow soldiers' and superiors' observations, as I hadn't personally seen him in action. According to the detailed summary I had read earlier today, Alenko was a technician and soldier, with he old L2 implants. He'd gone through severe trauma at BAaT that ended with the death of the drill sergeant and the shutdown of the program. After said trauma he became an introvert and a controlled, precise biotic, who did not accept lack of such or performance from himself below more than expected. This was a major part of him flying through rank after rank until he reached lieutenant. Shortly after this success, he met Evey Shepard while under the command of Captain Anderson. Shepard was Anderson's XO and hence they met. They performed excellently together and every mission was a success, though not just thanks to those two. As they picked up more and more recruits, the team got stronger. Shepard was appointed Commander with the retirement of Captain Anderson. There were many suspicions at this point of a relationship between the commander and subordinate, something that was forbidden by regs. Thankfully, at the time, there was nothing to prove anyone's hunches. They were careful and entirely secret to everyone but themselves. They defeated the Reapers. Stopped Saren. Saved the Citadel.

After a shore leave that was cut short, they were forced to return to service and hunt down geth. They continued their relationship.

Abruptly, an unknown—until recently, that is—vessel attacked the Normandy while traveling. Several casualties. Navigator Pressley included. The vessel was described as massive, advanced, and armed with weapons unseen before that cut through the ship like there wasn't anything there. In a successful attempt to save the helmsman who had stayed on the ship, Shepard was cast into space. A leak in her O₂ tank caused her to suffocate as she was pulled into the orbit of the planet below.

He was never the same man. He was deemed unfit for duty for several weeks. Gathered opinions from those around him say he was robotic for most of these two years, sparing the recent three months rumors of Shepard have been going around.

I felt my gaze turn speculative and harsh as I recalled another piece of data. Around fourteen months after the commander's death, Alenko started a relationship with-

"Okay, just stop!" Alenko shouted, as if hearing my thoughts. "What the hell do you want?"

I clasped my hands behind my back and straightened my back. "I am here because of the things you have done."

A drunken face starred back at me. A dark eyebrow raised. "What things? What are you going to do about it?"

I sighed, feeling for the first time tonight that this conversation might be a lost cause. "I don't want anything. I do not plan on doing anything like what you are imagining right now. I merely want your motives and information."

His voice became laced with irritation. "Of?"

"Commander Shepard."

In the instant after the words left my mouth, Kaidan jumped up from his position leaning on the side of the sofa, pulled his arm back, and snapped it forward. It collided with my jaw and forced my head to fly backward and turn. I shifted and angled my body to distribute the force. I didn't fall back, as most people would. I am, in fact, not like most people. My right foot took a step backward and kept me from tumbling down.

However, Kaidan unleashed another punch, hitting me on the jaw yet again with his other hand. That one hurt. I wasn't expecting him to be able to succeed in hitting me at all. He probably_ wouldn't_ have been able to if he _wasn't_ drunk, but clearly that is not the case…

He growled loudly, his teeth bared. He managed another hit as my arm went up to block him just too late. His next swing was clumsier. Emotion had flared within him and caused his movement to be desperate. I easily grabbed his arm now, and dodged his other fist as it flew at me. I spun him around and he growled at me again, menace and fury dripping from his pores. Putting him in an arm lock was easy enough. He struggled against me.

His snarl grew louder and louder and became a turmoil-filled roar. "What do you want with me?" he screamed.

"_I want_… you to calm down, Alenko." I said evenly, not releasing my grip. "And I want to speak with you."

He shouted, "Why?" and was sobering up surprisingly fast.

A moment of tense silence passed and I let him go, pushing him away slightly. He stumbled toward the couch. When he turned around, his stance was defensive and guarded. "Because I care about Siha… well, Shepard."

I saw a flash of anger and jealously flare across his gaze. "What…? 'Siha'…? What does… wait, you care about her?" His voice rose.

"Yes. We are very close." I was vague on purpose, wanting to watch as he felt the jealousy and pain and want boil in his chest. "My name is Thane Krios. I am a member of Commander Shepard's new crew. She and I have been very good friends since shortly after I was first recruited," I clarified. The relief in him was tangible in his posture and softened expression. "And I want the whole story."

Kaidan sat on the arm of the chair, his back slumped back and his arms draped limply on his lap. "I… I just… the story of what? Us, me and her?" I appreciated his willingness to cooperate. I truly did not want to have to explain my raw if not bloody knuckles to anyone when returning to the Normandy.

"Because… I don't know if there's really much to tell. I don't know if it even meant anything but a spur of the moment fling. For all I know, we could have been shipped off onto different ships and I have no idea if it would have even fazed her. I just… As far as me and her, I don't know if there ever was a story to begin with…" Kaidan said, his voice low. I couldn't tell if he was disappointed by the results of his petty observations or indifferent and only stating facts.

I stepped over to the large window wall, gazing out onto the surprisingly marvelous view of the Citadel he had here. It must be from the back of the building, clearly, as the front was an alleyway. Impressive. "I know your story, Kaidan." I looked at him in the eyes, my hands still holding each other behind me. "I know of how on her first day as XO on the Normandy, she smiled at you and you blushed a little." Kaidan's upper lip curled and his face turned irritated again. "I know of how all your margins were perfect in your status reports, all regulations met, because you wanted to prove in any and all ways possible that you were not one of _those _L2s. I know that she sometimes indulged herself in a casual conversation with you because it was a brief reprieve from the stress of your mission. How she went out of her way to make sure that certain ingredients in the food that she'd noticed would encourage your migraines was kept out of the ship. I know she had Chakwas run more checkups on you than anyone else because she wanted to make sure that you were okay, though she couldn't even explain to herself why she felt so protective of you. I know she cared about you from the beginning, as a soldier, then a comrade, then a friend, then more. I know that she didn't realize until late on how she felt about you, because she was afraid that either she would get hurt, again, or you would." The muscle in Kaidan's jaw twitched and his brows pulled together. A look of extreme sorrow graced his eyes, finally breaking through. He knew he had hurt her on Horizon. " _I know how much Virmire tore her up because she knew just as well as you that she just couldn't bear the thought of you dying_." I let that sink into him, relishing in the pain that danced through his eyes. The side of me that cared for Siha and wanted him to pay got the better of me, but I didn't apologize. "I, for one, also know how much the night before your mission to Illos really meant to her. She never really got into it, but the look in her eyes as she spoke of how beautiful you are, how much she just wanted to stay there and lay in your arms forever, of how much," I said, my voice gaining volume, "she wanted to give you_ everything she had to give just to make you happy_, of _how much she loved you more than anything, that she would never be able to put it into words_…!" As I spoke, I quickly advanced on him, looking at how the back of his palm had moved up to his mouth to cover its emotion, his eyes looking away into the darkness of the room in shame. I stopped a few feet from him, my voice roaring compared to the dead silence of the apartment. A moment passed and I stopped caring about being cautious to not cause him pain. I whispered softly, "The look in her eyes when she spoke of you… held more love, and more pain, and more reverent devotion and heartache, than I have _ever_ seen before!"

I realized, and he sharply exhaled in what seemed like a tearless sob, that I was leaning over him, my right hand in a fist while my left pointed an accusatory finger at him. I stood back and righted myself. I had been nearly panting as I raved at him, but my breathing was finally regulating.

"Stop… please…" I heard a sob fall from his lips that, without tears to let it's sorrow flow, wracked his frame like a cough. His head fell into his hands and his voice quavered. "Please just… stop, I'm begging you…"

He continued to mumble through his hands while I composed myself, recollecting the control I had before. Part of me wanted to apologize. No one should have to hurt like these two are. "Just tell me the story from your eyes," I said carefully, my words measured and concise.

Alenko tried to hide the sniffle he let out and groaned as he dragged his hand over his face. The dim blue-hued light from the city glowed through the crystal glass, shining onto the lines of moisture on Kaidan's face. He tried to clear his throat to no avail, most likely struggling to recover from what that momentary reminder had forced on him and shove it all down again, back to the deepest, darkest corner of his soul.

I resumed my vigil by the window and waited for him to speak.

"I… I loved her so much. You… I can't imagine anyone else feeling as strongly as I do for her. There wouldn't be any evil in the world if they did. Let me just tell you this: I loved her more than… _everything_. More than the air I breathed, the, the light in the sky, the stars in the night, _everything_, and nothing you can say will change that. I would have dropped everything and sacrificed it all in a second if her life was at stake. I would do anything for her, any-"

"No, you would not, as you clearly demonstrated on Horizon." The image of Siha on Horizon flitted across my eyes. Her shoulders slumped and her voice cracked. It was astonishing how extensively she compartmentalized her feelings in an instant, with such magnitude. In the mako, as we flew back to the Normandy, she was dead silent. She asked Garrus to pilot this time with the excuse of her muscles were tense from their meeting the Collectors. I sat next to her in the seat, watching out of the corner of my eye as her eyes grew shinier and glittered, nearly overflowing, betraying her flat expression. Her gaze had a faraway look to it, as though she were looking at something none of us could see, from a time most people had tried to forget. Back on the planet, she had remained her normal self. Calm. Secure. Reliable. But if her voice cracked even once, the feeling in her eyes shift slightly, or her mouth crawl up or down in a flow of emotion she hadn't thought to hide, you would be able to tell she was in inner turmoil. It was easy for me to discern her inner feelings. Her voice was shaky, her hangs were moving through the air, wringing and shaking, and her face and eyes shifted countless times. "You should not say things you do not mean, Commander Alenko."

He rose from his slumped position on the couch and his hands flared a bright blue of a biotic charge. "Don't say that! I mean it! I would have done anything for her! But then she _died_! She died! And then…! I…!" He lost indignation and seemed to realize something.

"But she isn't, Commander," I uttered, my voice low. My head turned to face him while I spoke, "She was alive on Horizon. She was alive, and begging for you not to leave her, at least join her to save the universe. But you said no." Mu head had turned to face him when I said that and now returned facing forward, staring out into the glittering lights.

"What did you expect?" He roared. "I had grieved over her! I grieved for months! I grieved for two years! I lived my life for two years knowing she was dead, gone! I lived through so many days just hoping maybe I'd wake up the next morning and feel as though I'd finally started to move on—but I didn't!" His deep, husky voice shook and cracked. "What did you expect? How could I… How could I just go on like nothing had happened? Pretend I never felt that emptiness, that feeling like my emotions had all slowly been disintegrating as we rode back to the Citadel, without her? I…" He raked his hand through his dark, short hair roughly, restless. "Try to understand this! On Horizon I was… I had just watched _the mother of my children_ who I watched die because I didn't save her crawl out of her grave and ask me, 'How have you been?'… I was fucking gone!" His voice echoed through the empty house. "There was nothing left of me! I was nothing!" He sobbed and began to pace.

"Then why did you say no? If you were so devastated and hollow when she had been gone, and then returned to you, why didn't you pounce of the opportunity to be with her again?" My hands neatly folded together behind my back.

"Because she…!" He paused and was at a loss for words.

"You loved her more than anything. You would do anything for her." I faced him, slowly stepping closer. "I do understand, Commander. You tried not to fall for her, but you did, as she did you. You never thought you'd be separated, not really. Never even thought it would be possible that she could even die. You felt like you had forever. You never wanted to lose her."

As a stream of light flashed through the apartment, washing from one side to the other, it glinted off his watery eyes. "I don't want her to die. I don't want her to leave. I don't want to lose her…"

I stopped a few feet away, one long stride separating us. "But now you have pushed her away and lost her out of your own stupidity." I almost missed the tear that fell from his eye.

I empathized with Alenko, I truly did. I knew exactly what he was going through. It lasts a long time when you love someone as much as he and I did and then you lose them, it varies on the person, the way it forms and morphs differentiates between personalities and the way they deal with pain, but it always lasts a long time and leaves a big open hole in your chest that has to be sealed with an ugly, ropy scar so it doesn't get any more infected.

But he deserved the right hook I dished at him. He flew back and fell into a heap on the floor. I was gone before he could groan and get up. As I snuck out the door, I heard him weep. I fought my resolve as I walked down the street listening to his agonized screams. They were riddled with sorrow and woven thickly with despair. They rattled your bones and shook the very marrow within them, slowly the blood passing through the veins in your body. I screwed my eyes tight as I walked back to the Normandy.

I now had every piece of their puzzle.

-0-0-0-0-0-

I really really wanted to have a confrontation with Kaidan. And I wasn't sure how I wanted it to go… there were many options, and most of them were pretty good.

But I just couldn't choose! Well, I did, but it was hard to.

Not to mention it's hard to write about someone you absolutely adore for who they are and have to try to keep within their character while still getting the right emotion and points across that you want to for your story. I figure Kaidan would have most of those reactions, but maybe not ALL of them.

So, what I was getting at, is this: if you do not like how I wrote this, and want me to write a different version and post it (somewhere but I'm not sure where yet) or if you have any other Kaidan fanfics (about his thoughts after Horizon/FemShep and him meeting after ME2, that kind of thing) that either you wrote or read, I would seriously, seriously appreciate it if you could give me a link or tell me the title at least.

Thanks for reading these chapters so far!


	6. Recovery and Discovery

So from here on I shall be writing every day. Granted, not posting every day, but writing something every day. So, during week days, I will be posting about every three days. Maybe four depending on if I'm busy or it's a long chapter, hard time brainstorming, etc... Over the weekend it will be faster because I have free time.

So here's to really late New Year's Resolutions.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

My head throbbed violently but I was only vaguely aware of the pulsating in my fingertips. My throat was raw. It felt like I had been drinking ryncol—and that was never fun unless you were being offered at least five thousand credits and immediate medical care. Maybe I had… I didn't remember much. I remember talking to Thane here in the med bay—that is where I am, right?—about my story with Kaidan. But as we got into the more detailed parts, I don't remember a thing.

With any luck, I had fallen asleep or been shot before I showed too much. I didn't want to worry him, or even worse, affect the mentality of the team. If they ever thought I was weak mentally and might not succeed, I have no idea what would happen. They'd leave and find someone capable, they'd be disappointed, they would feel ashamed if their time serving with me was ever brought up and they'd spread the word about how I couldn't do it after all. Then Kaidan would hear, and all hell would break loose, because if he said he was disappointed in me, or, even worse, that he wasn't surprised I had failed, I would become… dark space. Empty. Truly useless. I don't know what…

I caught myself, realizing I was going right where I said I couldn't.

I turned my head gently, a tight knot in my neck making itself noticed. I winced and shifted so that my neck wouldn't surge in pain when I moved to lie on my stomach. I knew I should be turning to lay on my back because Chakwas or whoever that was I could feel a few feet away would see me move and come over to speak with me. But I was really, honestly, just too tired. I wanted to sleep. Finally rest. I don't remember the last time I slept soundly.

A chill ran through me and made my arms quiver, goose bumps forming all over my skin. The metal of the bed was covered by a thick cloth now, a more comfortable one. Almost as comfortable as my bed had been on the night before...

I pulled my arms up, knowing the movement would bring the person's attention to me but not caring, and tucked them under the soft pillow. I recognized immediately that it was the same type of pillow, if not the same one, from my quarters. I settled my face into the plush-but-not-too-much contents of the cushion.

I waited a few seconds, expecting to hear the clicking or Miranda's heels or the soft tapping of Chakwas' fit, beneficially-shaped sneakers. Or the heavy clunk of military grade boots. Instead I was greeted with silence. Pure, unadulterated, _silence_. In a way it was eerie, as I had not really been around anything but explosions and gunfire and shouts and soldier life since, well, ever. But in another way, it was so, so welcoming. I easily slipped into a nostalgic and drowsy state, my eyelids fluttering. I wiggled my hips to shimmy the blanket further up my body to cover my shoulders. It was surprisingly, and nicely, warm.

I pried one of my eyes open to glance toward the front end of the room and Chakwas' desk. She was sitting in her chair, her face resting neatly in her palm, asleep. I smiled as I looked her over; she was looking in my bed's direction, no doubt waiting for me to wake up so long that she fell asleep. I sighed and closed my eyes, nuzzling deeper into the hard but still comfortable bed.

No more than thirty seconds later I was asleep again. I felt a little irresponsible as I let the darkness envelope my eyes and body for not getting up immediately after waking. But maybe I could just let myself sleep for now… I have to be well rested to see to our mission's success. I really should be getting more restful sleep. Hell, _they_ should be sleeping more.

It was mostly dreamless. I was thankful for that. The dream was short and confusing, but the message got across. It was all foggy and smear-like, as if someone was smearing their hand across a wet painting. During the dream, of course, that all seemed normal. The voices were distant and felt like my ears were shifting in and out of awareness. Much like how your real surroundings become out of focus when you are daydreaming. It was me and Kaidan, for the most part. Miranda, Garrus, Thane, and Tali all made appearances, too. It seemed like I had survived going through the relay and was seeing Kaidan again. He was apologizing in his stubborn, cute way. Like, "I don't like you together with Cerberus, and I am still mad and really confused, but I am so, so sorry for being so harsh and not believing you and coming with you, and I regret not trusting you." I had stuck my tongue out at him and played coy at first and kept saying things like, "Oh, my. I just _defeated _the _Collectors _in their _home world through the Omega4 Relay_. However is it even possible I have returned? _Because I'm Commander Fucking Shepard, that's why_!" and chest bumping Thane and doing a secret handshake with Tali that included a very out-of-character hip bump and shimmy. And we went on like that in this senseless dream. Liara swooped in suddenly toward the end. Kaidan said, "Swooping is bad," and Liara had her gun pulled. A strange kind-of-Reaper-kind-of-elcor thing that I really, actually had no idea what was or how to describe it through the haziness galloped into view. It bit Kaidan and he wailed rather uncharacteristically high and clutched his wound. I fought previously mentioned alien monster and as he begged for help, screeching something about foreign fatal rabies, I cooed him on for a 'Please help me oh great and successful Commander Shepard'. He eventually gave in and I killed the thing, carrying Kaidan over my shoulder like I had on Virmire. My crew—that seemed to be entirely absent during the fight—dramatically walked with me along the sand and into the sun. The ending reminded me of an old cop show I had seen on the 21st century channel where they leisurely strolled away from an exploding building.

I wanted to make it out of the relay. I wanted to rub it in Kaidan's face a little. I wanted to be with him again. I missed the life I had watched whisk away into blackness in the course of three seconds before waking up in Lazarus.

God I missed him.

When I woke, trying not to sigh—or sob—because that it not becoming of a commander who is has a time constraint to save the entire universe, I squeezed my eyes shut before opening them. I could feel that not a lot of time had passed. I wasn't sure if I was happy or disappointed about that.

"You went to see him, didn't you?" Garrus asked. He had his hands—claws?—talons?—paws?—draped neatly over each other in front of him on the table. One talon digit was idly tapping on the metal table, clicking quietly every few seconds. It's drumming didn't stop when he spoke.

"Who? When? I could have visited many 'hims' at many times," replied Thane. He was sitting quietly sipping a cup of drell-safe tea. He had seemed to be watching the small bubbles float on the surface of the liquid and the steam rise up in billowing pillars. Now that someone was speaking to him, however, his full attention turned to them —in this case Garrus.

Garrus gave an unimpressed sigh and rolled his eyes. "You know as well as I do who we're talking about."

Thane took another sip of his drink, slowly appreciating the taste in his mouth. "I did go to see him," he said, raising his right hand with his palm facing him. His knuckles were raw and slightly swollen.

Garrus leaned back in the seat, his arm reaching up to rest on the back of the booth. "Nice. You didn't hit him too hard, though, right? Shepard would have a conniption if she found out." Garrus tipped his chin toward Thane's hand that was now back on the table in front of him. "Not that I blame you, really. He was a total asshole on Horizon. He should have at least _tried_ to understand. He might say he did, but I don't think he _really_ tried." His claw that was still on the table, went up to rub the hard, rigid plating of his jaw. "I just hope Shepard doesn't figure it out. Or at least that I'm not here when she does." His left hand went down from his jaw to his neck and messaged the nape of his neck.

Thane gave him a quick nod and said, "I am confident that she won't be able to piece it together. I sometimes go out on shore leave and do a little discreet crime fighting. She wouldn't be curious enough to look into it." Garrus shrugged in response, not rudely, but in an "Alright, I see what you mean" way.

Just as Thane was about to take a sip form his cup, he cocked his head to the side and brought the cup back down to the table with a gentle clack. "Did you know Dr. Chakras keeps tabs on Kaidan?"

Garrus did a double take. His mouth opened to say something, but then closed again in a frown. "No. She does?"

"Yes. Apparently, ever since Siha's, ah, collapse, she has been watching over Kaidan. She was with him for about the first six months, and once you were all separated, she used her 'resources' to make sure he was always okay."

Garrus was quiet for a moment. "Yeah, I don't doubt she would. She was kind of had a motherly approach to everyone on the ship. She took care of our wounds, she took care of us, she cared about us. We were all…" His expression changed to a reflective one. There was a sad look in his eyes as he recalled their lives two years prior. "We were all hit hard. By Shepard's death, I mean. It was… we could hardly speak to one another without breaking down. Tali even had to upgrade her suit because it wasn't equipped with the right programs to deal with so many tears. Wrex… he was silent. He didn't cry, obviously, but… he just… wasn't lively anymore. We were all affected a lot… but Kaidan…" Garrus shook his head slowly, his eyes wide as visions played across his eyes. "He was… god, he never… Kaidan never really recovered. At first he was just in a daze. Then it was just refusing to believe it, which turned into anger and then sadness… No, not sadness… it was a heart-gripping, stomach-churning, frightening and bone-chilling thing to see." For the first time since his reverie had begun, he looked back to Thane. Thane was sitting as he always did with his hands folded in front of him, eagerly listening in a sad, understanding but curious way. "I can't really explain it. Just know that he was hit the hardest out of everyone. He _was_ a stubborn jackass on Horizon, but that doesn't change the facts. He missed Shepard the most, and still does, and then she just comes back." He paused briefly, trying to imagine what it would be like to go through that. "It's a lot. I think he just needs some time."

Thane dropped his hands back around his teacup, thumbs overlapping and resting on the opposite hand. "I understand completely."

They sat across from each other in silence for a few seconds. It was apparent that Garrus needed to say something more and more as time passed. Thane watched as he began to fidget and stew in whatever it was that wanted to burst out of him. Thane hesitantly offered, "Is there something you wish to say…?"

"It's just this goddamned fever! It's making everything seem so horrible! Just because her mind is focusing on trauma and stress to work it out in her dreams, she's being reminded of everything that's wrong. If she were stressing about calibrations, she'd be having chronic nightmares about intimidatingly long equations. But, instead, she is having chronic nightmares about Kaidan. About how she thinks he hates her and never wants to speak to her again, no doubt! She should have just taken care of it when it was a runny nose…" he grumbled.

With a crooked smile, Thane laughed out, "It is pretty foolish, don't you think?"

Garrus took his openness as an invitation and leaned forward and barked out a, "Yes!" followed by a string of laughter. "God, I wonder if she realizes she could have avoided all this if she had just taken a pill. She'd probably be thinking," he said, changing his voice a little, "'God, I wish I had just taken that goddamned medicine. Now I have to deal with this crap. Commander Fucking Shepard has better things to do than _sleep_,' and sigh to herself." Garrus' dry humor would have otherwise been hardly funny, but combined with the tone change to a higher pitch that just sounded cutely hilarious in his gravelly, low voice, and the clever hand gestures he had coordinated along with it made it quite humorous to Thane.

What Garrus had said went pretty much exactly in line with what Thane had collected from his sources and deduced. Hearing a first-person account had helped, though.

This whole story reminded him of himself after Irikah's death. He didn't want to think of it, but he understood Kaidan because of it. Thane himself had been entirely numb after Irikah had passed. He had of course, gone through the denial, the pure rage, the sadness. After some time, he eventually began to lose his sadness. It was replaced by the emptiness.

Thane genuinely felt sorry for Kaidan. Not just because they had both gone through a very similar thing, but also because it happened to Kaidan at all. Thane did not want to admit it, but deep down, he acknowledged that there is a possibility Kaidan had been more affected by his own lover's death than Thane had been by his lover's.

A part of him was infuriated of what Kaidan had done on Horizon. This particular piece of Thane wasn't angry over what he had said and done specifically to Shepard, however. It was just furious that Kaidan had given up the opportunity to be with his true love again. He couldn't believe that any man would even be able to pass up that offer. Thane wouldn't be able to. Another part of him was jealous of Kaidan for having that ability to put duty and his responsibilities before what he wanted. After all, Thane thought, my lacking of that ability is what made me lose Irikah and ultimately Kolyat in the end.

Thane had long since accepted his life now and could say these things without needing to excuse himself from the conversation and bury himself in his sorrow once in private.

He and Garrus continued to talk casually for a few more minutes. It was lighthearted and almost fun. Tali had been passing and stopped upon the sound of Thane's laugh. "What's going on? It must be something quite interesting if Thane is laughing," she said. Thane gestured to Garrus and repeated to her the rather funny joke that had been told to him. She laughed with Thane and got them all drinks, and sat next to Garrus.

After about almost an hour, Dr. Chakwas came out. She walked almost all the way to the elevator before she glanced over at them and did a double take. She stopped midstride and went over to them. "I wasn't expecting to see you all here."

"Yeah, well, we aren't really able to do anything right now. Miranda is too busy trying to figure out if the fever is going to affect any of her biotic implants, I guess, to send us on a mission. So we're just taking a break," Tali said.

"Oh, I see."

"Honestly, I'd rather be shooting something than just sit by… but this is better than just stewing." Garrus leaned forward and clasped his hands together. "Speaking of which, how is she doing?"

Thane looked intently at the doctor as she began to speak. "Ah, yes, I was actually looking for you to inform you of something…" They all suddenly felt very anxious. "She has woken up. The fever is going away as fast as possible." The collective exhale from them was audible. "She still needs to rest, but I just thought you should know, the worst is over."

Thane opened his mouth to say something, but Chakwas' hand was already raised, cutting him off. "And yes, you may see her." She gave a pointed glance toward Thane. "But you have to keep it easy. Even though it is Shepard we're talking about, she is just one human woman getting over possibly the worst illness of her life. Be gentle with her. I am going to go talk to Miranda about something." She nodded to them in farewell and walked off toward the elevator once again.

They brought their cups and silently went to the med bay. Sheppard was still lying down, but on her side facing away from them. It looked as though she were asleep so Thane walked around the bed and placed a hand on her arm. She jumped slightly. "My apologies, Siha. I… did not wake you, did I?" he asked.

"No, Thane, I was just resting. Thanks." She patted his hand and put her elbow on the pillow and perched her cheek on her palm. She looked a lot better.

"It's good to see you awake and your normal color," stated Garrus. He and Tali walked around the corner of the bed and into view.

Evey sat up and smiled. "Hey, Garrus! Hey, Tali!" She leaned back against the wall. "It's good to be my normal color. Way more flattering than green." She turned to Thane with a crooked smile. "No offense intended, my fine scaled friend." Garrus stifled a laugh.

"None taken." Thane put his weight on his left leg and used the outcropping in the wall for support. "I agree it looks far better on me than you." He gave a big smile, glad that she was herself again. "No offense intended, my fine fleshy friend." Garrus laughed out loud at that. So did Shepard.

She clapped her hand on her thigh and shrugged. "Wrex and Grunt _did _always say I am too squishy. Maybe that's just the krogan way of saying I need to lose weight."

Tali snorted from behind her mask. "You lost enough weight from this fever! And I think they're just giant piles of rock, really. Have you ever actually touched their hide? It's really like a rock!" She sat on the edge of Shepard's bed. "I'd be concerned if they stopped calling you soft."

Thane and Garrus both looked at Shepard and realized that she had, in fact, lost weight. Her cheekbones were far more refined than they were before she had fallen ill, and her arms were skinnier, the muscles more visible as they moved under her fair skin. There were slight rings under her eyes that were easier to see with the thin sheen of sweat that donned the majority of her body and lighting. Her hair was a mass of tousled bedhead. She had gone far from before when they first found her in her room, but it still wasn't great.

Thane looked over at Garrus who nodded shortly. "I'm going to go get you something to eat and drink. Be right back."

Tali hardly spared a glance at Garrus, too focused on Shepard. Shepard called after Garrus, "Make it good! I'm you superior! I just might put a negative report on you if you don't get me the very best we got..!" Her voice rose in volume and pitch as he got farther away. He saluted without turning around and continued to the kitchen.

"So. How are you feeling, Shepard?" asked Tali. Her hands folded over the commander's and patted the back of her hand gently.

Shepard rolled her eyes out of exasperation and melodrama. "_So _much better. That fever was seriously getting annoying. Even got me in my pajamas in front of Joker! I look much better?" She queried with a sheepish smile.

A voice sounded through the large room over the intercom. "You are looking mighty fine, Commander. _Mighty fine_." There was a smile in his voice.

Shepard sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose but smiled. "Joker…" she huffed as she shook her head. "I will take than as a medically reassuring observation rather than what we _both_," her smile grew. "Know what it is."

It was silent over the sound system for a moment before Joker replied cheekily. "Well, yeah, it can be that too. But lemme ask this; was that an alliance logo I saw sewn into those oh-so short, oh-so snug pair of boy short underwear? What about that tank top? I thought you weren't allowed to wear personal attire as the CO?"

Thane raised his eyebrows, remembering the pajamas she had been wearing before. They were rather… revealing. Shepard's hand raked over her flushed face. Thane tried to hide the smile he felt coming on at the sight of their commander embarrassed.

"Okay, okay, Joker. Yes… it was, in fact, an alliance seal that was stitched into the boy shorts. And no, I am not allowed to wear personal attire, technically, but I do it anyway." Thane heard her mumble under hear breath, "Cuz I'm just ninja like that." She groaned at the laughing helmsman. "Quite satisfied with yourself?"

"_Ab-suh-lutely_, Commander Shepard. My curiosity has been sated…" There was a snicker heard over the intercom. "The image is now complete." With that a quiet beep sounded the end of the conversation before Joker got himself into trouble.

"Jeez. What a… what a… what's the word in your language?" mused Tali. Her head was cocked to the side slightly.

"The word you are looking for is most likely playboy. Or flirt," offered Evey.

"No… not quite… describing a person who is bluntly sexual and combines his flirtations with humor, most often." Thane just listened, wondering how this conversation would go.

Almost before Tali had finished speaking, Shepard was speaking herself with a stern, sure voice. "Perverted."

Tali clapped and pointed directly at Shepard. "Ah, yes! That is the word. Thank you. I will keep that in mind for any future discussion with Joker about my enviro suit."

Shepard shook her head slowly, chuckling lowly. "He is _still_ going on about it?"

Tali gave a quick, deep nod and said sardonically, "Yep."

Thane smiled slightly. His eyes warmed as he listened to their easy talking. Shepard rarely let herself go like this. She had done it more and more recently.

Miranda had said that when they first came back from the Lazarus facility, and they had finally told Shepard what had happened, she was reclusive. She spent most of her time in her quarters, never coming out unless she had to. The only times she had come out were for missions, eating, checking up on her crew, or receiving calls from the Illusive man. Even with all those things to do, she was hardly ever seen. EDI would inform her she had a meeting with the Illusive Man, and she would go down, silently, go through the meeting, and go back up, silently. EDI would tell her is there was anything wrong, and she would go and sort it out. She went down twice a day to eat, then went back up, silently. On missions she was efficient, quick, and always got it done, but as soon as she got back she would fall silent and her eyes would get that faraway look they always had, and she would silently go back up to her quarters to think, or whatever it was she did up there. She stood straight, shoulders squared, chin up, features schooled, but just as the elevator doors closed, an immeasurable amount of sadness flourished in her eyes and they would glitter and shine. Miranda had been getting more and more concerned; they needed the normal Shepard from before, not some withdrawn, antisocial, miserable, shell of what she used to be, as she put it.

As she recruited more and more people, she became more like herself. The most effect had occurred when she found Tali, Garrus, Wrex, and Liara. Getting back little bits of her old life had seemed to help her cope immensely.

Every single person on this ship, alien or otherwise, knew that Horizon was a ploy to make Shepard hate the Alliance. Miranda and the Illusive Man only wanted Shepard to stay loyal to Cerberus for their own benefit and that was why they helped her reach her previous teammates. Meeting Kaidan had one sole purpose: to make Kaidan's anger force Shepard to resent him and the Alliance and all they were involved in. Miranda was not quite as calculating as the Illusive Man but still did not care about Shepard's feelings. Almost all of what Shepard had been regaining of her old self was lost on Horizon. Over the last two weeks she had gone through a shortened version of what she had after being brought back after Lazarus. She holed herself into her room, and actually didn't come out for two days. Then she came out to eat, once a day. After that she fell into the no-nonsense-commander role, never socializing. Over the next week and a half, up until now, she had progressively going back to normal. However, whenever she talked with someone casually as well as formally, you weren't speaking to Evey Shepard; you were speaking to the closest-damn-thing-to-her-a-robot-could-be Commander Fucking Shepard that had to save the universe. There were only a few people she even remotely let herself show with: Thane, Tali, and Garrus, and Joker sometimes.

With a soft look over at smiling Evey, he was sure that they didn't have too much to worry about, at least for now.

After some time, Thane had reentered the conversation. It was still not a serious one, but not as happy-go-lucky. They were talking about where to go on the next mission.

"I think we should go to help Samara. I mean, the longer it gets put off because of…" In her eyes flickered a glimpse of what she had been feeling before. She cleared her throat and looked down at her hands, which were locking and unlocking in her lap. "Because of more urgent missions, the worse I feel about it. Morinth is… just a girl. Albeit a morbid and warped one, but she can't help what she is. But that doesn't excuse what she has been doing…" She looked back up to Tali and Thane for reassurance. They smiled and nodded in agreement just as Garrus got back.

"What'd I miss?" He asked, handing the tray over to Shepard and settling into a chair next to the bed.

Shepard perused the items on the plate; a good selection. The quality of the food is probably what took him while. There was apple juice, saltines, a crunchy-peanut-butter and strawberry jelly sandwich, and a remarkably fresh orange. Her eyes widened and her mouth curved upward into an enthusiastic grin of appreciation. Her head turned to Garrus and her eyes shortly followed, hardly willing to move from the plate. "I don't have any credits, if that's what you're after," she joked.

Garrus scowled and cursed under his breath in mock frustration. He threw his fist at the arm of the chair. "All my plans, foiled, again. Damn you!" He sat up and chuckled quietly. "Just eat, Shepard. It's nothing, really."

She scoffed and gave him an "oh please give me a break" look. She returned her attention to the food and chose the orange, but realized she had nothing to peel it with. Instinctively, she reached for the combat knife that was usually strapped to her thigh. Her hand came back empty and she sighed, looking about for something pointy. Garrus stuck his hand out and when she gave him a confused look, he twirled his fingers and clinked his talons together. She handed him the orange.

As he peeled the orange with his thumb talon with controlled ease, Evey debriefed him. "We were just talking about where we should go on our next mission. I suggested we go to Omega to try and catch Morinth. We could also go back to the Citadel and get some supplies. We're going to have to go eventually, so… either way we have to choose soon."

"We are not going anywhere until you are better, _completely_, so we have some time. Don't bother yourself with these things now."

Shepard shrugged resignedly and answered, "Well, I could get an idea of how long I'll be incapacitated next time she comes back. I don't imagine it will be very long though. I've been recovering pretty fast. That reminds me, how long was I asleep just now?"

"About…" Thane glanced at his holo. "eight hours. Just over."

Her eyebrows raised. "Wow. Talk about out like a light." She shook her head and shifted under the blanket. Garrus offered her the peeled orange and placed the shreds of curled skin on the edge of her plate. She smiled at him and said suddenly, "Have I told you how much I love you, Garrus?"

Garrus froze. His arm was still in the middle of the space between the bed and his chair. "Uh… I do no think that a turian-human relationship would be wise, considering the adverse physical structure of the two species and the differences in social econ-"

"Garrus." Tali's hand was raking down the front of her mask as though it were her own face. "She meant as a friend. She loves you. As a good friend."

His mandibles fluttered and he gave an awkward, "Oh… I apologize." His hand went down to his leg and rested gently there. "I guess I still have a few things to pick up on with human inflections and respective meanings." He shrugged lightheartedly. "And no. You have not, clearly." He was taking it far too seriously for Shepard's liking.

"Well, I do. Thank you for everything. You two were here for me when no one else really was." She looked over at Tali. "Really. I love you guys. I appreciate everything you've done for me." She reached with her hand and swatted Thane's then gaze it a squeeze. She smiled and looked at her three greatest friends.

Tali's race did not use the word 'love', or their word for it, lightly. It was only said between two people who were bound to each other in a way stronger than most relationships were. With the very limited intimacy, most relationships were sincere as they were based, usually, on feelings. Tali had been dumbfounded when she heard a young human girl say she loved someone she wasn't even in a relationship with on one of the colonies. To her and the general Quarian race, humans overused the word and that was why when you actually met that one person you were bound to in the same way as Quarian couples, it was so hard to put into words how much you cared for them. Between best friends, it was said with a different inflection. They had two words for love, one for your mate, one for your family and closest friends. It was used more causally between family and friends.

Turians were similar to the Quarian race. They were a very professional people, and most of them were involved, one way or another, with the military. They used love like any military human would. You had to be willing to risk it all for this one person to say it, because of the possible repercussions. Between a family it was a less intimate way of saying it. This same word was used for friends, but only if they were like family. Like with Shepard, she had not just said "I love you Kaidan" as soon as she felt an attraction to him. She tested herself to make sure it was real and wasn't just a fleeting feeling, that she was really in love with him. Even then she didn't get the chance to say it, though.

Drell were extremely self-aware. Not in an egotistical, arrogant way, but they knew their inner self well. They had an appreciation for life in a level that most people never achieved. Their short life spans made them like so. If one drell loved another, they wasted no time in letting them know, at the very least just so they would know; no regrets. The same word was used for family and friends, but the body language is what made the difference.

Shepard blushed and looked at her hands again. Before she had the chance to regret saying it, Thane interjected, "I love you too, Siha." She looked up at him and smiled happily, reaching for his hand. He squeezed her hand gently and gave her a small, crooked smile.

"I certainly hope at this point that you know I love you, Shepard," said Tali. She patted Shepard's knee and used her other to rest her head on.

Garrus was quiet for a moment. Shepard had been expecting some kind of reaction. Either a, "Thank you, Commander," or a, "I love you too." Whatever he had to say, she wished he'd say it.

He looked up at her and after a moment more of silence, she gave him a nod that said it was okay and a only slightly disappointed smile. Garrus then said, a soft look in his eyes, "I love you too, commander."

She snickered at the classic Garrus response. Full of honesty but at the same time full of respect and admiration. Just the kind of Garrus-love she would expect.

They traded looks of relief and happiness before the room fell into an moderately uncomfortable silence. Garrus chimed in first. "Well, now that the drama is dealt with. I think we should…"

They went back and forth about their opinions on how to proceed and with what.

Across the mess hall, Chakwas had been in Miranda's office for a minute or two after getting herself some much-needed caffeine.

"I am going to say this only once, nicely, Miss Lawson, so I suggest you listen to what I am about to say…" the elder woman declared.

Miranda folded her hand together in front of her on the desk and gestured for the doctor to continue.

"You are a cold, calculating, scornful woman."

Miranda was shocked into silence. "Pardon?"

"You heard me. Only once nicely. Now, I would like to know why in the hell you have kept it a secret about Shepard's biotics. If anyone has to know, it would be me! I do her medical work, her check ups, her mental health assessments, everything! Young woman, you have made a serious mistake! This is… is… _huge_!" She shouted.

Miranda's perfect brows pulled together. "What are you talking about? Calm down."

"You know damned well what! You should have told Shepard or myself that she was a natural biotic!" Chakwas' face was angry and her right pointer finger was directed at Miranda.

"She is not a natural-" started Miranda.

"I looked at her brain scans! I looked at the implants! She flared while she was having a nightmare, and I was looking at the implants at the time! I know they aren't doing anything!" Chakwas looked like a grandmother scolding someone for asking her age.

Miranda leaned forward and her head inclined to the side a little. Her hands unclasped themselves and spread over the desk in front of her. Her face was dubious. "That's impossible. She is a Vanguard. She had implants given to her, she is no natural biotic." Miranda began to rise out of her seat as she spoke, her long legs straightening slowly.

For a second, Chakwas believed that Miranda didn't know. "I watched her scans as she flared myself! I _know_ about it, there is no need to play coy. I am telling Shepard. This is groundbreaking. She _developed_ her biotics!"

Miranda shot up and shook her head. "No, no. No, she isn't, we reconstructed her. We put the implants in…"

Chakwas stood with her and shouted, "Would you like to see the scans, if you don't believe-"

"Yes. Are they in your office?" Miranda was already walking toward the door.


	7. Tense

My laugh was loud, but it mixed with everyone else's so it wasn't too obnoxious. Grunt had joined us, along with Samara, Jack, and Kasumi. We had started goofing around and then Grunt made a hilarious joke about the Council. Something about them having their heads being too far in their asses.

"Those idiots! I'm finally glad I at least won't get into trouble for saying something about it. One of the two benefits of not being in the Alliance anymore." I shook my head as I brought the cup to my lips and took a big sip of the juice. "God damn…"

Garrus sighed after his laughing fit and chided, "Oh, yeah? Well what's the other?"

I looked at him over the rim of the cup, my eyebrows high. "Being allowed to stop the Reapers. And Collectors, now, I suppose." I shook my head again and took a quick swig. "So much to do…"

I put the juice down and picked up the bit of orange that was left. I peeled off one section of fruit and took a bite, licking the juice that had fallen down my lip.

"It's ridiculous that the only way we can save the Alliance and the universe, really, is to betray it… If only the Council weren't so idiotic and stubborn," growled Garrus. Grunt grunted in approval.

"What-ifs won't save the universe…" I whispered, a little too serious. The short second and a half that followed was all I needed as an initiative to bring the mood back up. "But, apparently," I said, raising one eyebrow and lowering the other and talking with a sophisticated dialect. "According to my sources, a certain commander who was spaced, burned, torn up, frozen, retrieved and rebuilt, can with a team of excellent soldiers who are technically terrorists." Mockingly, I looked to the corner of my vision with faux uncertainty. Suddenly bursting with a bright, naïve smile, I reaffirmed, "Nope, nothing weird about that!" They burst out into laughter once again.

I chuckled and downed the last two pieces of orange.

Suddenly the doors burst open and a speeding Miranda and Chakwas came in, shouting. Miranda had a look of confusion but determination on her face and Chakwas was angry and confused and also determined…

What in the name of…?

It was hard at first to pick up what they were yelling, as they were yelling over one another. They clearly were in the middle of a serious argument.

The group around me went silent and all heads turned to watch as they ran toward the doctor's desk.

"Where are the scans?" screamed Miranda. She stood in front of Chakwas' desk, scanning the surface for, evidently, scans of something.

"They're right there! Use your damn eyes! It has the title, 'Shepard's implant scans' illuminated right there! Stop playing dumb already, and tell me what is going on!" roared the elder woman.

Miranda snatched up the data pad and scrolled through it, reading quickly. "I don't know, Doctor Chakwas! That is why I am looking at her scans, if you'd let me!" Her eyes narrowed as she looked at the data as it flew by in correspondence with her eyebrows tightening.

Chakwas stood next to her, her arms crossed over her chest and huffing every second that went by with Miranda looking at the data pad.

The group around my bed that had previously been laughing and joking all slowly turned their heads to give me quizzical looks. I shrugged and shook my head, my eyebrows raised, eyes wide, lip jutting out. I mouthed to them, "I don't know!"

They all turned back to the two women. They had begun to bicker again. What the hell is going on? A hologram of a female human body and the implants sprung from the surface of a holo that Miranda had picked up. "Uh, Miranda? Chakwas?" I said.

They just continued to banter about something I couldn't pick up because they were talking too fast. "Mianda. Chakwas," I repeated. Nothing happened.

I set down the orange bit down on the tray. I sighed and inhaled deeply. "Lawson! Chakwas!" I hollered. Everyone jumped and looked at me, including Chakwas and Lawson. They stood up straight and faced me directly, falling into a soldier's role. "_What_ is going on here! You tell me I need to rest, may I remind you, and then you come in here screaming your heads off at one another!" I got out of my crisscrossed-legs sitting position and hopped off the bed on Thane's side, never once looking away from the two women. "Now." I put on a sugary sweet smile. "Tell me _exactly_ why I should not ban your next shore leave?" That is if we get the chance to have one, I added mentally. I folded my arms behind my back even though it hurt my sore muscles and paced in front of them. I moment passed and it was silent. "Well?" I screamed.

Miranda jumped and looked down. It felt so good to see miss high and mighty perfection like that. The break in her character was gone just as fast as it came. "We were debating a matter of some urgency, Shepard, and it would be best for you and everyone else on this ship if you let us continue immediately." She paused and added, "Ma'am."

I scoffed and decided to play the hard-ass commander role for a little bit longer. "Oh? What besides the depleting health of your commander, whom it is up to to save all life as we know it, is importa-" The word caught in my throat and sent me spinning into a coughing fit. I tried to keep my back straight, and doing so made my sides and insides hurt even more. I tried to keep it in my throat and not open my mouth, but that just made it feel like I was swallowing needles. After a few seconds, I brought my arm up to my mouth and coughed into my elbow as quietly as I could manage. That quickly built up into a painful string of coughs that landed me leaning over the edge of some kind of counter, using it entirely for support. I was gasping and hacking, my head pulsating.

I felt a hand on my back and saw the legs of Thane's suit next to me. I pushed at him with my shoulder. I didn't want him to get sick.

He said something but I couldn't tell what over the noise of my coughing. My eyes watered, or I began to cry, if I was being honest, and it became hard to breathe. Thane pried my torso back up straight and used his body to keep mine up. I tried to tell him to stop, that it hurt, but all that came out was more stupid coughing. Apparently straightening my body was the right thing to do, because I felt my coughing lessen.

I hadn't noticed that my hand had started to clutch at the cloth over my chest. I wrenched my fingers from the thin dress. My other hand fell back to my side. After I had caught my breath, I breathed a thank you to Thane and patted him on the shoulder. I sighed again and my head fell with a thump against his chest. He patted my back tenderly.

Chakwas and Miranda were right next to me also. I sat on the top of the counter and said, "Alright, my stickler bad ass slash hard ass commander character had pretty much been beaten down with a stick until it is nothing but a pulpy mass on the floor, so…" I dizzily looked at Chakwas and Miranda. "What's up?"

I widened my eyes and blinked away the blurriness while they traded a look I couldn't read.

"Well.." started Miranda. She growled how and quiet when she looked back at the data pad then holo. "We think there might be something wrong with-"

"We have to scan you, Shepard, and run a couple of tests on you." I looked at Chakwas, standing.

I pressed my mouth in a firm line to try and keep myself from talking before I fully thought out what they'd said, to no avail. I licked my lips and nodded, as though it would help me catch on to whatever they were saying. "You think there's something wrong with me? Besides how I carry around an aerial cloud in which things spontaneously combust? 'Things explode around you, Shepard,' and all that. Specifically…?" I crossed my left arm over my ribs and held my right elbow in that hand. My right hand covered my mouth in thought. A short second later, my hand left my mouth and made a half flinging half down-low-high-five motion. "What?"

Chakwas took the data pad and read it while she explained. "It might be nothing, commander. If we run the few tests and it turns out to be nothing, you would have been worried over nothing." Or at least I thought she was going to explain.

"So what you're saying is that if it _is_ something, I should be worried?" I asked, no edge to my tone.

She paused and Miranda gave her an exasperated look. Chakwas gave an empathizing one. "Well… yes. Possibly."

I nodded and reviewed the data they had given me: I am possibly very sick, if I am it is something to be worried about, and tests are necessary to determine what that something is, if there is something, and how severe it is…

"What kind of… tests, will you be performing?" You can never be too wary with Cerberus and tests.

Lawson was busily examining the hologram of the female human body and the information she was scrolling through. She gave a very distracted, "Mmmm…" and kept scrolling.

I looked right at her and gave a bitterly sweet smile. "Well thank you for your wonderfully helpful input, Operative Lawson." She looked up at me, and groaned lightly in her throat.

"We would have to wire you to a body suit that measures eezo waves. Then we would have to take those scans, examine the patterns of your implants and amp, and nervous system. Then, depending on those results, we would either have to fix the bug in Dr. Chakwas' scanner, or delve into a whole 'nother dimension of tests that would in the grand scheme of things create a clusterfuck of data that would then have to be examined, summarized, concluded, and at that point a solution would have to be reached." By the intense look in Miranda's eyes, and the way her eyebrows knotted together so tightly, she had given me the dumnbed-down understatement.

That was when I started to get worried. I shifted my weight between legs and felt Thane's hand go to my shoulder in case I was having going to faint. We were all quiet for a long moment. I felt eyes on me. "Are you… are you saying…" I felt a tightness in my throat.

Dr. Chakwas' eyes as they looked at me were sympathetic and troubled. "Commander…"

I swallowed at the lump in my throat. I blinked a few times and shook my head to clear it. "Uh, so… so it's my biotics." Thane's hand on my shoulder tightened and he took a step closer. The group that had slowly been gravitating towards us were visibly affected.

Chakwas cleared her throat nervously. Miranda stepped in and said, simply, definitively, finally, "Yes."

_Shit_. Thane's hand went down to my back and I couldn't help but seek out the reassurance it offered. I leaned into his hand slightly and swallowed. My right hand went back up to my mouth. My eyes closed and I took a deep breath, taking a moment to steady my suddenly quickened heart.

I knew how much biotics could effect someone. With Jack, and Samara, they were powerful and dangerous, but they never let it get the better of them. Jack possessed far, far, less control than Samara, absolutely, but her biotics were just another part of her. Like another limb, perfectly controllable. With other normal biotics, it was equally as controllable, but if they ever slipped up, it could end fatally, and it wasn't such a powerful thing. With Kaidan, it was a huge part of his life. His biotics had killed someone. Granted, killing someone is something a person in the military often has to deal with no matter what, but the fact that he had _accidentally killed _someone was the issue. It made Kaidan control everything about his biotics. It made him have the epitome of self-control, in damn near everything he did. He was always careful. I had heard stories about biotics driving someone insane, and not just the L2 biotics. The sheer power of the ability was too much for their nervous system and it drove them crazy. You could fry your own brain with these.

I cleared my throat again against the nervousness piling up inside me. "So." I stood up straight and looked the both of them in the eye. "How do we do these tests?" I asked.

"We might have to wait until your fever has gone down."

"Well how long will that take?" I asked.

Chakwas nodded her head from side to side, tossing numbers in her head. "Maybe twenty four before it's safe."

"Great," I groaned. "Uhm, is there anything I should be doing in preparation for these tests?"

Chakwas shrugged and said all I had to do was rest and let my fever go down.

"Alright, then. Easy enough. It's not like defeating the Reapers is exhausting or anything." I rolled my shoulders and rubbed the back of my stiff neck. Thane squeezed my shoulder tenderly, rolling his fingers across the tight muscle of my shoulder. It felt _great_.

The doctor busied herself shooing everyone out of the room, each of them wishing me well and warily leaving me be with the two women and Thane. I went and sat on the end of the bed and Thane followed, standing in front of me.

We didn't speak for a few minutes while Miranda and Chakwas quietly discussed my biotics. I took his hand and held it gently, feeling the smoothness of his scales under my fingers. I turned his hand over pam down, and looked at the top of his hand. I ran my thumb over the scales on his knuckles slowly, then the whole of his upper hand. He let me move his hand with mine, turning my hand so we were palm to palm. My fingers were smaller than his by a little. My fingers easily slipped between his and suddenly feeling tightness in my chest then a wash over sadness roll over me, I let our joined hands fall to my mid-thigh.

"You will be alright, Siha. Whatever it is, you will overcome it." I looked up at Thane and smiled sweetly. He smiled in return, his perfect teeth showing briefly.

"Thanks, Thane." I wrapped my arms around him in a quick hug. He hugged me back and then mussed my hair gently.

I smiled and wrung my hands subconsciously. I let my thoughts wander until Thane placed his hand on mine. "Relax, Siha. You will be alright. I know you will."

The look in his eyes gave me a little chill. They were dark and serious and so open and honest. His full lips were set into a slight smile, and his shoulders were easy and calm.

And when is Thane ever wrong? I mean, out of everyone I have ever known, he is by _far_ the wisest. He has never lied to me, and I doubt he has ever lied to begin with. He wouldn't be just saying it to comfort me. "You mean that?" Couldn't hurt to be sure.

"Yes."

A grin slowly crept across my face. "Thanks, Thane," I whispered again. I patted his hands over mine. The movement made me painfully aware of the stiffness in my shoulders and essentially entire body. "Agh…" I winced and reached up to rub my shoulder muscles with my fingers. "Jeez. I'm so stiff…" I leaned to the side and glanced behind Thane. "Got anything for that, Chakwas?" I called.

She looked up from the holo that she and Miranda were looking at. "Sorry, what?"

I rolled my shoulders and gasped when my neck cracked. "Stiffness. Tight muscles. Do you have anything to get rid of that?"

"Besides sedatives?" Her eyebrows were raise and her hand went to her hip.

"Okay, okay, I get it. 'Stop complaining, soldier. It's just a cramp,'" I mocked. She laughed quietly and returned to her work. I exhaled deeply and looked back to Thane.

"I could give you a shoulder message, Siha." I almost choked on air. "I know how to do it well."

I heard Miranda snort and snicker. "Shepard, fraternization isn't against the rules here, but it's recommended to not engage in it."

I glared over at her through Thane's jacket. "Yeah, thanks, got it, Miranda." I looked back to Thane. "You serious? A shoulder message?" I laughed humorlessly. "That's…"

"Very soothing." He was serious. I gave him a speculative look. If he had anything to hide, he was hiding it well.

A moment later, after he had said it was up to me, I agreed. "Okay. Just… don't give me the pressure point. It's not fun." After I had pulled my legs up and turned around to face away from him Indian style, he grunted a 'no'.

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "What?"

"Lay down. You will build tension in your lower back if you sit up and do it," he clarified.

I groaned, knowing perfectly well what would be going through Lawson's head right now, and laid down on my stomach. Immediately I felt a difference. My spine seemed to fall into place, like this position was the one it was made to be in. I heard a faint pop from my lower spine.

_God, I sound like an old man. I seriously need to do some kind of relaxing to get rid of this creakiness. _

I folded my arms over one another under my head and closed my eyes. When his hands first touched my warm skin, I shifted my back and tried to adjust to the stark coolness compared to my overheated temperature.

I have always known Thane was a lithe, agile man who could control his every move. He had to as a job requirement. Ever since I saw him fall silently and smoothly out of the vent and bounce back up off the balls of his feet I knew he had mastered his own body. He almost looked like he was floating through the air or dancing. He had taken me by surprise when he appeared to kill the cruel asari. My mind had been scrambling to follow and make sense of what was happening. My eyes darted about the room, following Thane's quick movements as he quickly, efficiently, and easily removed all threats from the room. My mind was reeling when he started praying, his body still and motionless.

I was feeling similar now as I was then. I have no idea what he did, how he did it, or really even if he had done anything much, but hell… did it feel good when he was done. I was drifting in and out of sleep it felt so nice. My eyes were closed and I didn't want to move at all.

_Maybe I should get sick more often, if this is the treatment I get. Though I'll have to minus the nightmares…_

I felt the air shifting around me as he moved to the other side of the bed, where I could see him. I didn't make any move, nor did I speak. I wanted to relish the moment a bit first.

"Siha?" He called. I opened one eye and looked at him, a smile on my face. "How do you feel?"

I took a deep breath and felt as my spine moved effortlessly and my previously tight muscles weren't even noticeable. "I feel… _awesome_…" I said.

He smiled and straightened with pride. "Well. Then I succeeded in my goal. Would you like me to leave you be so you may rest?" He asked, leaning over and laying a hand on my shoulder.

I smiled and reached to pat his hand. "No, I like your company." I smiled up to him. "Stay."

He sat in the chair he had been in earlier and scooted over. He sat and laid his hand over mine and grasped it.

I was drowsy and fell in and out of sleep a few times, but we talked quietly for a while. I sneezed occasionally, or coughed, and he would give me tissues or offer to get some throat medicine from the doctor. It was easy and eventually, after a few hours of friendly, cheerful chatter, we both fell asleep.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-

I apologize for the wait for this chapter. I was out of town and my poopface parental units said no writing while we were visiting family. So this time I have a legitimate excuse.

I haven't started the next chapter yet, because I just wanted to get this chapter out and posted. I will be done soon, but I have a project coming up for school, so I will be a little slower at writing it.

Sorry!

3


	8. Insight

Okay, guys, I am really sorry about such a LOOONG wait for this chapter. And it isn't very long. I've been in the hospital for a while, and my parents kept forgetting to bring my laptop for me to have something to do. :/

I just recently got home, and I wanted to get a chapter out as soon as possible, so that is why it's not as long as the others. Sorry! I hope you enjoy it, though!

"Hey Garrus," I say, strolling up through the doors. He looks over his shoulder at me as I walk around his right side. His mouth opens to say something, but I interrupt. "Calibrations?" I ask, a slight twinge of disappointment deep in my voice.

He looks back to the terminal, glances back at me, then back to the terminal. He presses a few buttons and then closes a window in it. He walks over and leans on the railing, half facing me.

He sighs and looks me over. I straighten my back and square my slumped shoulders as he does so, masking all the little weaknesses I only just now notice. He sees them anyway. His eyes meet mine and I give a small smile, just polite enough to hide the turmoil. "What's wrong, Shepard?"

I shrug and smile a little bigger. "Nothing. I just figured I'd come talk to you. I haven't talked to you in a while." I turned and faced the room, my back against the railing.

"You were just here yesterday, Shepard." I make a face as I realize this is true.

"Well…" my voice goes silent and I look away, at the adjacent wall. "It's… I just figured I'd say hi." I let my head fall back and I close my eyes. I breathe evenly with my body relaxed. Garrus is one of my few sources of relaxation.

A short time passes. Finally someone says something, and it's Garrus. "You are pretty, Shepard." My eyes fly open and I choke on my own esophagus as I gasp, sitting up.

I sputter out a few incomprehensible noises before managing to get out, "What did you just say, Garrus?" with a laugh.

He stands and shifts nervously, his hands frozen in midair toward me. "Uh, well, are you okay? I said you were pretty. I think that's how the humans say it. Pretty, right?" For the first time ever apart from the mission with Sidonis I see Garrus uncertain.

"Uhh…" I feel my cheeks flush. Pretty? Garrus Vakarian and the word pretty aren't exactly something I'd put together in a conversation. I incline my head to the side, standing unnaturally still. "Huh?"

His hands come together and he clasps and unclasps them. "Uh, well, I thought that was the word people used to compliment someone… You seemed like you could use a compliment… sorry." He looks like he really wants to just go back to his terminal and his safe calibrations and for us to forget this ever happened.

"You don't have to apologize. Really. It was just a little strange hearing it from you. Thanks, Garrus." I patted his hands and they ease up, gently squeezing my hand in thanks. He sighs with relief.

"So I didn't just mix up a human insult with a human compliment?"

I laugh and lean against the railing again, facing him. "No, you're clear."

"Thank the gods," he muttered, rubbing his neck with his taloned hand.

"So turian compliments are different from human compliments?"

"Well, yeah. Turians have different body shapes than humans and different morals and everything. There aren't any human compliments a human could say to a turian that would insult them, or vice versa, but there are better ones. Like saying a human woman was beautiful is a good compliment for a human."

That's easy enough to understand. "Oh. Well what is a good compliment for a turian from a human?"

He thought for a moment, his mandibles flexing slowly. "For a turian man… probably just about the same for a human male. Compliment him in bed. Simple enough. Or you could remark on his military skills. For a female, you'd compliment their waist, and the smooth angles of their mandibles. Stuff like that, I guess. Appearance things."

"That's pretty much exactly the same. So if I were to say you were an exceptional sniper and excellent tactician and leader, you'd feel good?" I smile a little.

His mandibles flex out and then flutter back. "Yeah."

"Well, then Garrus Vakarian, I have something I must tell you." I push off the railing and stand right in front of him, placing my hand on his shoulder. I look him in the eyes. "You are the greatest, most accurate, prolific, and efficient sniper I have ever had the pleasure to work with. Your tactics always lead us in the right direction and keep us safe. Your leadership skills are truly remarkable." His mandibles stretch and flex out, farther than I've ever seen on a turian. _Well I just inflated someone's ego_, I think. For shits and giggles, I add brusquely, "And I'm sure you're skills in bed are just as memorable, all due respect." His eyes bulge and sparkle, his jaw working.

I snicker and lean back, saying, "Your welcome," with a sincere yet lighthearted tone. I go back to leaning on the railing. Teasing Garrus can be so fun sometimes.

I look out past the railing and see out of the corner of my eye as Vakarian's hand reaches out. It moves through the air a bit, as if undecided between hand gestures, as his mouth opens. I rest my head on my palm and turn a bit to face him. I quirk an eyebrow at him expectantly.

His taloned hand goes to point at me, then retreats to rub against his neck. He meets my eyes briefly and looks away. "Uh, well… you have… a nice waist…? And uhm… you, you have very bright green eyes. Yes, that's good. Your… uh…. Your hair is… soft." His eyes turn to slits and drift with deep thought.

It's quiet for a minute. I press my lips together to prevent any sound from escaping. I cover a chuckle by clearing my throat. "Why, thank you, Garrus. How swee-" I burst into laughter. I start to double over. I fall back onto the crate, plopping down and gasping for air. My eyes screw shut and I cover my mouth with my left hand, my other crossing over my aching belly. "Oh, m-… oh my god, Garrus!" I pry my eyes open and look up at him with watering eyes. My left hand rakes through my choppy hair, my smile growing. "That was so cute! You are so cute sometimes." I chuckle a bit more and sigh, to calm my breathing. "Oh, goodness." I scoot down the crate to the left a bit and lay across them on my back. "Oh, Garrus. Sorry about that. You don't have to strain yourself."

I close my eyes and place my hand under the back of my head. My usual resting stance comes, with my thighs together and shins apart.

"You are really enigmatic."

I incline my neck to look over at Garrus, who is now leaning against his terminal. His expression is cool and neutral. "Well, I have to admit," I said, relaxing my neck again, "that is a bit better. Thanks, I think."

He shoved off the terminal and sat down on a crate against the wall perpendicular to the one I was against. "Well, you're welcome, but it wasn't because of that. I was just saying, you know? It's just that, well, you're still here." I heard a scratching noise as his claws scraped against his rough hide, probably his mandible. "Just about anyone else would have given up by now. Or died."

"I did die, Garrus."

"Well, yeah you did, but not only were you important enough and trusted enough to be brought back from damn near nothing, we all kind of… it's not like you were just gone. It's hard to explain. We all still felt you…? You were still a part of us, so you were never really gone. And even after that you are still here. You didn't submit to the perfect image of 'everything is okay, we don't have to worry anymore' and you came back again. I think that was really noble and endearing of you."

With the end of his talking came a soft silence.

I swallowed. "Garrus?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you come? I mean… why didn't you stay on Omega? Why come back to my crew?"

I heard a scoff from him. "I thought that was obvious. I have faith in you." The words pierced my heart. "I know you can do this, Shepard. I trust you, with my life, with everyone's lives, with the galaxy. I _want_ to stay by your side. I'd rather be here, cooperating with Cerberus, than biding my time with meaningless side missions for the Alliance or C-Sec. I'm here because I want to be."

I closed my eyes to hide the bittersweet feelings his explanation brought me. _So that's why he didn't come with me…_


	9. Exposed

"Siha, are you sure?"

"Yes, Thane… I'm ready."

"Once I put it in, that's it. I promise it won't hurt very long…"

"Thane."

"Here I go…"

"Just stick her with the _goddamn_ needle, already!" cried Zaeed.

"Really, Thane. It's _just_ a needle. I think I'll make it. If I start seeing the light, I'll be sure to let you know." I shook my head gently with a smile. As I said, when he injected me with the minor paralyzing agent, I did not flinch. "See, I'm just fine. Hey, how long does it take for this to take effect? It's tingly, but… oh, nope, it's numb."

"Well, about thirty seconds to fully paralyze an arm." She injected my other arm with another syringe of the same contents. "The legs will have to be done later because the blood vessels are larger and more abundant, so to speak, so it would have a higher chance of paralyzing something important. We cannot have so much in your body at once." She set the syringe down on her mobile tray. It was a waist-high shelf with a rectangular tin the same area as the surface of the top shelf upon it. There were gauze and tissues and another syringe with a blue-tinted, clear liquid in it. On the other side of the tray there was a air mask and small flashlight.

I glanced over to the identical set up on the other side of the small bed. The difference between the two carts was that on the one next to Thane, there was a tube of some gel and a defibrillator. He was clearly tense to be near the materials. I squeezed his hand. It was a lot harder to do than normal, thanks to the serum. It felt like there was an invisible thirty pound weight on my arm. It reassured him nonetheless.

"So, Chakwas. I leave you my space hamster. Thane, you get my fish. Garrus, the ship models. Zaee-"

"Shut up, Shepard," said Garrus as he handed Chakwas the chart datapad she was looking for. "You died once. It's not happening again."

I didn't say anything back. The room was quiet for a second before Zaeed sighed loudly and thumped over. He planted his palms on the edge of the foot of the cot, tapping his fingers idly.

"Are you arms numb yet?"

I tried to flip Zaeed off. It just barely worked. I earned a laugh from Garrus as I clumsily shrugged and shook my head. "No, but just about. I'd say like ten more seconds. Maybe fifteen."

Chakwas set herself to checking the numerous machines. Miranda was at a console by one of them, comparing information on a datapad in her hand to something in the console. She occasionally made changes to the machine's settings.

"So, Miranda. How exactly is this going to work, again?" I asked, recalling what I could of her previous explanation.

She tampered with the machine a bit more then turned and came to the bedside. "Well, This one hovering over you emits Element Zero. When you lay back and we set you up, it'll be positioned over your arms, one at a time, and send off small periodic radiation blasts of different magnitudes of Element Zero." She gestured to the machine off-handedly as she read a datapad. "Then this one here," she pointed to a large, bulky hunk of metal that had a large holo screen over it. "Will show if any of your implants are doing anything, based on the information that this other machine gathers." She pointed to a large box next to Dr. Chakwas. Laying on top of it were wires with suction cups on the ends. As I looked more carefully, I noticed small needles sticking out of the center of the dome in the cups. "The other holo over here will show us what _should_ be showing up on your flare holo."

I nodded slowly. "That makes some sense. I'm sure that's the dumbed down paraphrased version, yeah?"

"It is."

"Of course."

"And the vampire suction cups?"

"You're afternoon snack."

Chakwas' shoulders slumped in exasperation. "It isn't that bad. It just goes under the barrier of your skin. Your skin is enough of a wall to prevent the readings from being accurate, so the needles have to be underneath. Literally under your skin. Sorry for the pun."

"Speaking of the Alliance," I said matter-of-factly. "Miranda, did you tell Anderson?"

"I sent him a message. It's up to his secretary whether or not he read it in time," the brunette said, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"What did it say?"

"_I am sending you this message as a subordinate of Commander Shepard_," she started. I imagine he let out a rather tired sigh at that introduction. "_This is not to threaten, intimidate, or sabotage the Alliance, Council, or Citadel in any way, shape or form. The commander has requested that I inform you that, due to several complications, her biotic abilities and nervous system among them, she will be undergoing tests, experiments, and most likely consequential surgery. There is a chance that things may not go as planned. She also wishes that I tell you, on a personal note, that she would be reassured by your presence and has much to tell you. As a result of these turns of events, it would be greatly appreciated if you could come to the factory district on Omega. We are docked in Omega to prevent rumors, as we are uncertain of the nature of Shepard's illness and potential outcomes of such. We wish to be as inconspicuous as possible, so please refrain from bring a large group of people. Vicktor says hello._"

My jaw was dropped. "That sounds like it's a trap. But then the last bit, who's Vicktor?"

"The name of the empty factory we are currently camping out in is called Vicktor's Baggage."

"Oh. So it was a keyword."

"Yes, Shepard. You are such a soldier."

"I will take that as a firm compliment. So there was no reply?" I suspected that it was encrypted.

"We bounced the message over many ships, stations, and lines. There is no way it could be traced, and therefore, no way for a reply to reach us," she said, walking back over to the machine.

They already know that, though, so they wouldn't reply. It could accidentally get received by a third party in all the chaos. "I'm limp, Chakwas. Go ahead."

"You in that strip of cloth, I sure as hell ain't," barked Zaeed.

All eyes turned on him. "What? Bloody hell, it was a joke!" He slammed his fist on the cot and it bounced off and he stood straight.

A door opened with the tell-tale pressurized hiss and everyone looked to the new source of light in the previously dim space. Anderson stood with an escort of two armed guards. The three of them fanned out through the doorway. "Hey! Watch what you're doing! You left Anderson unguarded!" I hopped off the table and caught my unbalanced bearings and strode over to the marines, who did a double take at the sight of me in my two towels. I walked up to one and with what little strength and control of my arm I had left, I swung it up and hit his gun out of his hands. I heat-butted him and he fell to the floor. I huffed and kicked his thigh. "Stupid." He stared up at me with wide, dazed eyes. I jerked my head to the stunned marine to my right. "You. Behind Anderson at his five. You. On his seven. Do your jobs!"

They scurried to their placements as Anderson stepped toward me. His hands were folded behind his back, and he looked me over. "I was almost expecting a salute after that little show," he laughed. "Thank you, but it's not needed. I had another outside." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder.

"Oh. Apologies, sir. Excuse the appearance, sir, you caught us at a bad moment. We were… well… we didn't think you'd come," I confessed. He glanced over my shoulder at the small crowd.

"Yeah, neither did I. Actually, I was damn near the only person willing to come. All those damn politicians. All they care about it profit, you know?"

"Intimately, sir," I felt myself smile in spite of the stress I'd been having.

"Well, Shepard, we did come here for a reason." He paused, resting his hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright?" His tone was soft with concern.

I wished I could answer with certainty. "Well… we don't exactly know." I showed a short, weak smile that didn't reach my eyes. "It's my biotics. I'm not entirely sure what it is for certain, but you could ask Chakwas over here." I jabbed my thumb over my shoulder.

We went back to the cot and began introductions. "Anderson, this is Thane, Zaeed, and Miranda. You know everyone else, I believe."

"It is an honor to meet you, sir. It is no surprise you are the one who taught Siha everything she knows." Thane extended his hand and they shook hands in a firm, quick lock. Anderson's mouth quirked up in a half-smile. Approval.

"I am Miranda Lawson, sir. Commander's XO. I'm glad you were able to find your way to us." Her hands were full of datapads and a holo of my implants. She gave a respectful nod and turned to me. "Well, I'm not sure if you know anything of biotics…"

"I've got the basics. I brought a specialist to help with anything I might not understand. He should be here soon."

"Very well. Shepard's implants are, well, frankly, not working. Something about them is malfunctioning. We don't know if this could be harmful, beneficial, or fatal. While Shepard was dreaming in her sleep, she flared, but nothing showed up on the scanners. At first we thought it was the machine," Miranda explained.

"But after we had her flare a few times and nothing came up, and we had another biotic on the ship flare to test the scanner, we realized it was, in fact, Shepard's implants. I don't see how this was unnoticed," added the doctor.

"So you are doing some tests to find out what's going wrong."

I stepped over to the bed and jumped onto it. "We're only doing the first step today. We are using this big thing here to expose my implants to Element Zero. It sends off waves of it in radiation. Then the evil suction cups here test my implants. If it does nothing, the implants aren't working. Then, I'm pretty sure we're taking my amp out." I turned to show him the chip at the base of my head. "After it's out we test the implants again. I think the step after that… is to actually take the implants out through surgery and see if I can still flare. If not, we can simply put another set of implants in and dismiss this, I guess. I don't know what comes at that point. You'd have to ask Miranda or Chakwas."

I turned back to Anderson. He nodded in understanding. "Seems pretty straight forward. Why do you need a soldier like me for this, Shepard?"

I resisted the snort that almost came out of me. As the guards entered the building, their silhouettes moving into the dark area, I said, "You'll have to understand, sir." I aimed my bum at the bed to jump. "You're pretty much the only family I have. If something were to go wrong, someone's gotta sign the forms." I jumped.

Anderson crossed his arms over his chest comfortably. The corner of his mouth twitched up a fraction of an inch and he shook his head, raising one eyebrow slightly. "Always so much paperwork."

I leaned back and righted my position. "Ready, Miranda? Chakwas? Whoever's holding the heart paddles?" I winked at Thane. He sighed quickly.

"We are ready, Shepard. You?" asked Garrus.

"Am I ready to have my implants exposed to excessive amounts of radiated Element Zero? And then have my whole body skewered by vampire suction cups? Totally." I looked up into the pitch blackness of the six-story-high ceiling. Four lights that dotted the expansive area swam a bit. Miranda walked to Thane's side of the bed to turn on the machine. I swallowed. "Wait." Miranda's hand paused mere inches from the console screen.

The room went dead silent. Even the shuffling of the four guards seemed to cease. Dr. Chakwas tensed imperceptibly. Thane leaned closer and rested his hand on my shin. Time crawled on. I cleared my throat, closing my eyes tightly. A moment passed. "Garrus, can I have one of those energy bars? And a water?"

"Of course, Shepard!" He ducked away and came back hardly three second later with four flavors of energy bars and two water canteens. "Is this good?"

"Yeah, Garrus. Thank you." I took one of the bars, not caring what pasty, bland version of fruit it tasted like. I tore the packaging open and ate with seven pairs of eyes on me. One of the soldiers had come over to watch, but I didn't bother with him more than seeing a blue, armored man in the very corner of my eye. I chewed and swallowed the last of it and crumpled the thing plastic in my fist. Garrus handed me the water and I washed the food down, wetting my dry throat. Thane took the wrapper and canteen.

I cleared my throat again, then inhaled slowly with closed eyes. When I opened them after what seemed like an hour, the dim lights weren't dancing. "Okay. I'm ready."

I laid back down and the group made a collective exhale. Miranda moved the pivoting machine over my torso. It blocked all sight of my crew and Anderson. A few monotone beeps could be heard before the large, bulky white square hovering over me began to hum and glow.

Beneath the plexi-glass cover were many small circles from which the blue, airy, flame-like effect fields radiated. They began to seep through invisible holes in the cover and seep down closer to me.

"Everything is ready, Anderson," one of the soldiers said. His low, smooth voice reminded me of Kaidan.

"Thank you, Alenko."

I sat upright, forgetting about the machine above me. My forehead collided with the clear cover, causing the whole device to shake. "Agh!" I would have brought my hands up to my forehead to sooth the ache, were they not limp as dead fish. I never knew plexi-glass was so hard. "Shit!" I tried to move it, but it didn't budge. It must lock when it gets into place.

"Miranda!" She started and turned to the console. Her hands flew over the screen until the glowing ended. She pulled the arm off of me and back to the machine.

I sat up and looked to Anderson. Alenko was right next to him, hands behind his back and stance still and practiced. "Alenko…" I said, my eyes wide and my mouth open.

Anderson reached out and shook his hand. I hopped down from the bed and padded across the concrete floor to the two. Kaidan took his hand and shook it firmly, and let go with a nod of his head.

Kaidan's arm cut through the air and his hand went out toward me. I stared at it a moment, glancing up to his face. His eyes were the same molten chocolate I knew, but instead of a shine, they harbored a flat, sharp veil. I shied away from the sight, recovering before anyone but Anderson or Kaidan could notice. Had they noticed? "Uh, ha, sorry, Alenko!" I smiled goofily.

He did a double take and his eyes widened before narrowing. His jaw dropped just a little before clenching. "I can't really shake your hand. Can't move my arms anymore, ya know?"

"What?" He shouted. "Why? What happened?" His brow creased in what I could derive only as worry. "I'm so sorry, Commander, I didn't know…"

My smile froze and deflated. "Uh, no, Lieutenant, it's the shot they gave me for the test…" my eyes flickered to Anderson. He was smirking.

Kaidan's mouth turned into a circle and his eye brows rose. "… oh." My mouth twitched into a smile but then dropped it. Color tinted his cheeks, and a warm feeling grew from my torso as the pink on his cheeks spread. As if he knew I noticed it, he leaned back and cleared his throat, and the color dispersed as if by will.

"It's actually Major, now, Shepard," said Anderson. That same smirk was on his face, like a proud father or a scheming elder.

"Hm?" I inquired.

"Alenko. He was promoted. He's Major Alenko now." I confirmed the gleam in his eye to be pride.

My mouth fell into an easy circle and my eyebrows rose. "Oh." I had never really thought about how his life would continue in an entirely different direction than mine. Has continued. Moved on. "Oh… oh!" I turned to Alenko and stood at parade rest. My arms swung as I turned. My heels clicked together and I straightened. I washed all emotion from my eyes and bowed my head as a replacement for a salute.

I stared at the floor, unmoving, until the Major let out a simple, "At ease, Commander."

As I straightened, our eyes met and I could say with some certainty that in them we were lacking equal levels of emotion. I nodded curtly and asked Anderson if the Major was his biotic specialist.

"Uh, yeah, Shepard. I figured he's good as any, and you've probably already talked to the Justicar about this."

"Oh. You know about Samara, sir?" I politely asked.

"Well, there are tons of rumors about you swimming around."

"So I've heard," I said, an edge to my voice I hadn't succeeded in covering.

"And Udina has been keeping tabs on you since you left the Alliance," he added, practically rolling his eyes.

"With all due respect, sir, I never left. They kicked me out and abandoned my team." I nodded again, this time to Anderson, and went back to the cot. Chakwas was smiling. I hopped back onto the stiff surface.

Before Miranda turned it on, I noticed her looking over to the Major and Anderson, smug smirk proudly pulling on her full lips. She looked down to me and her eyes were filled with more warmth and emotion than I'd ever seen in her before. She slowly nodded with respect, and switched the machine on.

Once again, the same blue aura seeped through the holes. The radiation snaked through the air. I felt as it tickled my chest through the thin dress. I looked down at my body as a resonating vibration rumbled from deep inside me. My breathing involuntarily quickened as time went by. My head fell back to the cot. My head felt a bit light. The feeling coming from my chest and arms almost felt good. Like a rush. "Chakwas."

"Shepard?" Her voice carried a twinge of uncertainty.

"Are there any side effect of this thing? The radiation, or… or the…" I felt a little dizzy.

"Shepard?"

It felt like the world was spinning under me.

"Shepard."

I opened my mouth to speak, but felt a wave of nausea keep my voice down.

"Turn that thing off, now," I heard the Major say.

I swallowed. "No, no, I'm… I'm fine. Don't turn it off. That's a direct order."

"Commander, stop. This is enough. You have no idea what could happen," said the Major.

"Chakwas, any side effects?"

"Well… worst case scenario, neurological damage. Best case? None, maybe a bit of dizziness," she stated.

Okay. Alright. A pang of pain flashed from my chest. Alright. "Okay. Okay. I'm okay. How… how bad would dizziness, slight pain, nausea, and vibrating feeling be?" I asked in a steady tone.

"Bad enough. Miranda."

I heard a beep. "No. Leave it. How much longer?"

"Shepard, you still have almost a minute."

"Siha…"

My head throbbed with all the combined noises. "Quiet. Just let me concentrate. I've got it. I'll be f-" Another flash of pain came from my torso, and I gasped. It trailed slowly all the way up to the back of my neck. From there it throbbed out in a web, reaching up the back of my head to all the way down my shoulders. My eyes bulged at the overwhelming sensation. I choked on my throat, a strangled groan bubbling up from low in my throat. Tears stung my eyes. Thirty seconds more…

"Enough!" shouted the Major. Miranda yelled at him and then there was beeping. The glowing stopped and the piercing hum ceased with it. The large square was yanked away from over me. Even the dim lights and dull glow from the consoles shone like a sun. "Shepard. Shepard, can you hear me?" He asked me with a tight voice.

I groaned through clenched teeth. The pain was still there. "Lights," I said. I saw through the flowing surroundings his brow furrowing. He covered my eyes with his warm, large hand. I closed my eyes under his palm. My throat worked.

"Shepard, what is it?" His voice thundered through my brain.

"Noise. Loud," I whispered.

"Shepard, what's wrong?" His voice was lower and closer than I was expecting.

I pressed my lips together. I felt his other hand on my shoulder. It was so warm, and my pulse raged and throbbed against his hand. I let out a narrowly audible, "It hurts so much."

I felt his head fall to my shoulder. "It's okay. It'll go away. I promise. It'll be okay. Where does it hurt?"

I took a few deep breaths and steadied myself. The nausea began to fade, along with the throbbing. All that was left was the silence from my crew and Kaidan's warm hands on my shoulder and over my eyes. "Get Chakwas."

His head left my shoulder and soon the doctor was also next to me, her hand slyly placed over my pulse spot. "Commander?" she whispered.

"Put the vampire suction cup things in me. Quickly."

"What?" breathed Kaidan.

"Now. Before the readings will end up off."

Chakwas hesitated. "Yes… commander."

"What? Can't you see she's in pain? Don't do it!" Kaidan said.

"No, we have to do it now. Otherwise I'll have to do that again. Please, Kaidan." I noticed the rims of my eye lids were wet with almost-tears.

His fingers slid along my eyelids, in small, swift movements, discreetly wiping away the drop of water at each corner. "I'm removing the dress and putting on a

"I'm putting them on you, Shepard. Garrus, Thane, please help. Let's get this over with," said Chakwas. I heard soft clinking and movement. The Major's hand stayed over my eyes, probably so I wouldn't know where to expect the pain. "Just so you know, Commander, we were planning on having time to give you anesthesia for this."

Kaidan's hand moved on my shoulder, his thumb rubbing back and forth. I heard him exhale. Then, almost out of nowhere, Thane gripped my upper thigh so tight it hurt. A sharp pain followed suit just a bit lower on my leg. I flexed my shoulders and hissed. "_That_ was clever. I approve." On the skin over the last site of pain the suction stuck to my toned leg. "Too bad you can't use that method anymore. I'd be expecting it to be just near where you-gah!" Three other suction cups were jabbed into my other leg. Thane inserted another just after those. "Gah, ah, fuck! Shit. That fuckin' _hurt._ Next time, let's incorporate more time for anesthesia. Definitely."

"Shepard. Stop joking."

"No."

"Fine," said the Major. "Let's make small talk to distract you."

"Makes little difference to me, Major," I chided. A suction cup was inserted and attached to my stomach, just below my belly button. I gritted my teeth and hissed.

"So, how have you been?" he asked, his voice strange.

"What, since we last crossed paths? Or since we walked the same path? Just terrific, Major. Spactacular. I loved my home getting blown up. In fact," a quick line of suction cups were put into my torso, over my spine and up my sternum. Two were placed over each lung. "I've been having the absolute fucking best time of my life. Waking up alone for the first time in a few months was great. My favorite part, actually." I paused, just barely feeling guilty. I didn't need to say that. But it'd been swimming around inside me for a while now. "You? I hear you got promoted." I cried out as three were placed along my collarbone. It hurt like hell. Two were added to my neck immediately after. "Jesus… since when does anyone have so many goddamn implants?" I shouted.

Miranda offered an explanation. "We added a few extra." Kaidan's hand on my shoulder left.

"Oh, yes, silly me, of course you did." I exhaled. A few pinches ran down my arms and I clenched my jaw to keep a shiver down.

"We need you to stand up, Shepard…" Chakwas' voice was soft and empathetic.

"Are you serious." The Major's hand moved from my face and I sat up. It hurt like hell. Thane wrapped his cool hand around my upper arm. The Major did the same. They both lifted me up and set me down with ease.

"Thanks," I said. Slowly, I made my way over to Chakwas and the vampire machines. It was even harder to do since thin tubes came from each of the needle suction cups in my skin. They tugged and bent, sending chilling waves of pain up my body. I swallowed and stopped in front of Chakwas. She held one suction cup in each hand. Her face was empathetic and helpless. "It's okay. I can take it. It's just needles. Maybe big needles, but needles nevertheless." I squared my shoulders and steadied my stance. Thane and Garrus each got two. There was one still hanging on the machine. "Alright. Okay. Hit me."

They walked behind me and I felt the air shift as they drew closer. All at once, six of them were put into my back, lining my spine and on my shoulders. My heart skipped a beat and my vision flashed. My jaw clenched. Through gritted teeth, I growled. Air came in and out of my nose in harsh, quick gasps. "Shepard. Shepard, you're okay," said Alenko, coming behind me and gently placing his hand on my shoulder blade, where there was no suction cup. I saw someone grab the last one. I turned my head away from them and braced myself. Where the hell does that one go?

A quick prick came from my lower back. It didn't hurt as much. My back was getting numb from the pain.

"Alright, great, thanks. Now what?" I rushed, my voice tight and exasperated.

I opened my eyes, only now realizing they were screwed shut. "You need to flare. Try to flare. Just, well… don't push yourself, Commander." I glanced over at Miranda and nodded.

"Okay." I shut my eyes and pushed the throbbing, all-encompassing pain that radiated throughout me out of my mind. I reached into the recesses of my mind, the instincts, the primal drives. Within that small, dark space, lay the muscle-memory-like ability to summon the dark energy in—supposedly—my implants. I didn't need to think to light my lower arm and hands in the blue fire. It glows a bright, flowing translucent blue; the color of the warm waters on Earth. With the flowing of the energy comes a slight chill wafts across the flared area.

I waited for the chill. It didn't come.

I glanced down at my arm. The absence of the tingly fire frightened me. This never happened. Ever. To anyone. I even amplified them with radiation of Element Zero. And I'm wearing my amp. It _should_ be blowing me up with unheard of energy. Or vaporizing a randomly placed hole in the wall. I had to think a little. Where did the summoning happen? I went back into the muscle memory. My fingers twitched minutely, even as I tried to ignite my biotics.

My face scrunched and pinched in thought. I shifted and planted my feet. It could be a sudden blast. Yes, a delayed reaction due to my body not being used to the new form of flaring… that must be it.

I tried to flare again, to no avail. I cleared my throat and attempted to fflare other areas of my body. That did not work either.

"Chakwas," I said, my voice quiet and flat.

"Commander… I think… We should…" The older lady's voice wandered, uncertain and insecure.

"Shepard?"

"What is it, Major?" I said. My voice carried a slight edge.

He paused, his fingers on my back stiffening. "Just relax."

I closed my eyes to think. I slowed my breathing and let my muscles go slack in my shoulders. With a few deep breaths, I calmed down.

"Shepard, take your time. Don't rush yourself," I heard from Anderson. He had come over. He now stood next to me. "Biotics can be dangerous stuff. You have to be careful with it, it's too finicky. Do you think it's something with your mind? Like one of those mental blocks or whatever they're called?"

My crystal eyes opened to look up at his calm, warm gaze. "No, I don't think so."

"How certain are you?"

"Eighty percent."

"It could be worse."

My head tilted to the side. Now that he mentions it, things are going rather well, considering. Biotics can be like a time bomb, just waiting to go off. Kaidan knew that well. He had to keep himself in check almost constantly. He rarely let himself relax. I think, though, that when he actually does let the tension drop from his shoulders, it's the best thing. I recalled one time we were a little drunk and the whole crew was simply goofing around, letting loose. A tiny smile came to my face when I remembered how Kaidan had—

"You see? Just… relax," Anderson intervened. The little smile that had slipped onto my face was tucked away.

"Yes, sir."

I deliberately slacked my shoulders and closed my eyes. I took slow, deep breaths. It was too tight, though, and my lower back quickly tightened. I jerked my head from side to side to crack my stiff neck. A searing pain erupted from the locations on my neck where the suction cup needles were inserted. I shook out my fingers a few moments later. The knot continued to rapidly grow in intensity. My head drifted to the side and my posture twisted a little.

I let out an exasperated sigh. When I went to inhale, I found two hands on my lower back. Before I could react, they began to rub out the knot. My mouth, frozen in the middle of a protest, let out an airy sigh. My mouth closed, and a quiet rumble bubbled up my throat. The stiff, taut muscles melted like butter under the sure, warm fingers. I'd have to thank whoever it was, unless it was Massani. Which it probably was, considering he couldn't keep his hands to himself.

"Massani, if you do not remove your lecherous self from three paces of me, I swear on the Normandy, that no crevice in the universe will keep you safe from-"

"Hell, Shepard, if I had known you'd melt with just that, I'd have done it ages ago. Bravo, good sir. Bravo," came Zaeed's growly, grizzly voice.

I turned my head around painfully, and looked up at the person kneading my back. Massani was about five paces away, leaned on the side of the cot. Alenko was the one directly behind me, eyes focused on where his hands pushed and prodded my muscles. He looked up at me, his hands not ceasing their swift movements. I looked away and faced forward. "Thank you, Major."

"Of course, Commander," he said quietly as his palms spread over the planes of my back. His thumbs pressed long lines out from the bottom of my spine. "Better?" he asked gently.

"Yes."

"Anywhere else?"

"Right shoulder blade, sir."

His hands moved up and deftly avoided the suction cups and their wires. His right hand started rhythmically pressing down on my lower shoulder, swiping slowly upward and to the left. "Lower," I mumbled. Heat resonated through me. Every movement of his fingers sent wave after wave of comfort. His fingers dragged down to the very edge of my shoulder blade, and as soon as his soothing finger tips fell upon the burning heat, it faded into caressing warmth. The way he touched me and pushed into my muscles made me want to say there was another knot. He leaned his head over my shoulder slightly and asked if there was another knot in my back. I swallowed and said, "No, sir. Thank you."

"No problem. You good now?" His tone showed nothing.

"Yeah, I shoulder be able to flare easier now. No, uh," I swallowed again, not looking back at him, "distractions." I was very distracted. His hands were still on my back. The skin on my shoulder and lower back was hot under his warm hands.

Miranda cleared her throat awkwardly. "Actually, Shepard…" Miranda started. She looked between me and the scanner. I looked over to her and the group's faces caught my eye. Every single pair of eyebrows were raised. Everyone's eyes were widened. Anderson's arm was rubbing the back of his neck, and Thane was quite obviously fake coughing into his fist. Garrus was looking around the group, as if for assistance. "You were flaring already. It wasn't very strong, as far as the scanners detected, but, well, you _were_ flaring."

"I didn't see anything on her fingers, Cheerleader." Zaeed had taken to calling Miranda by Jack nickname for her. "You sure that's accurate?"

"Yes, Massani. I'm sure," Miranda hissed, her voice dripping with venom.

"I didn't feel anything."

A smile pulled at the corner of the woman's mouth before quickly letting it drop, divulging a secret joke only she got. "Well, you felt it, I promise."

"What do you mean?" asked Alenko. I remembered he was standing inches behind me. I shifted. His fingers brushed my skin. I remembered I was standing there with nothing but a towel around my hips and breasts.

"I _mean_, Major, the regions she flared in were only in lower quadrant six and part of five."

There was a silence in the room. It lasted for a few moments before I was willing to break it. "I don't know what that is."

"Major Alenko is aware, I'm sure. He certainly knows more about biotics than me. Ask him," she challenged.

My brow tightened briefly before I turned my head around to Alenko. "What is are biotic quadrants five and six?"

In his eyes flashed a small, quick flicker of what I thought to be something of embarrassment. "A quadrant… It's a section of the body where the implants are. Like quadrant one is your head, neck and shoulders."

"Well then where is quadrant five and six?" I asked ignorantly.

"It's…" His hands twitched and he, seeming to notice they were still placed on my lower back, blushed and raised one of them to rub the back of his neck. I noticed how his other hand didn't move from my skin. "It's the lower stomach, hips, and thighs. More or less." His eyes lowered and looked over at Miranda coldly.

"Oh." I definitely understood the secret joke. The heat inside my lower stomach wasn't so secret anymore. But I wasn't going down that easy. It was _my_ secret. "Well I guess that makes more sense than if the scanners in my ankles picked up a flare. You _were_ pressing on the muscles of my lower back." I held his gaze firmly and didn't let go. I had meant to seem serious and unaware of what they were implying. From the way his eyes widened and his lips parted and the first real divulgence of emotion so far came to his eyes, it only exposed me more.

I turned away before eye contact would make me blush. "Alright. So it wasn't strong. What does that mean?"

"Well, there's also something else. When scanners read the waves of biotic energy coming from your implants, it shows up like this…" Miranda stepped to the side and the screen on the computer next to the scanner machine lit up. It showed a 3D plane image of my body. The spots I knew to be implant sites were indicated with green, small dots. The places where the suction cup needle scanners were inserted were identical dots, but yellow. Around my hips and lower stomach were blue gradients. "You can see that the scanner picked up energy in a general line from the scanner to the implant that flared." She zoomed in on an example of this with the press of a button. "That's because the way the implants are made is to show _which_ ones are flaring, not _if_ they are flaring." It was true; a very faded but straight line went from a red dot in my thigh to a local yellow dot.

A respectful, studious silence followed as she paused to press a few buttons on her omni-tool. "_This_, Shepard, is _your_ scan."


	10. Captive

I could tell that there was something important happening. It was a little hard to understand. Actually, not so much that, as it was just that it was hard to accept. There is something wrong with me, and I seem to be the only person here who has even noticed. Maybe they did notice. But maybe they then dismissed it. Because right now, in this moment, I can see in the faces around me that I'm the only one who has realized what this means.

As everyone around me stares up at the screen, I have already realized what it meant. As soon as the first image flitted away to _my_ scan and I saw the difference, my suspicions simply confirmed themselves. In the few seconds it has been since, my mind has raced and burned through thoughts. How did this happen? Is Cerberus responsible? Will this affect my team? What does this mean? How can we keep this contained from the public? Should it be contained?

I took a step forward and crossed my arms over my chest, the paralyzing agent fading. I felt my shoulders droop a little. I inhaled and tried to clear my blocked throat. It didn't work very well. I felt hesitant eyes fall on me. I glanced over to Thane as his dark, worried eyes bore into mine. His gaze only reinforced the nagging belief I was getting. I felt more eyes on me. My eyes traveled around the group, scanning their faces with a nervous look.

I felt like I was as open and raw as if I was naked in front of all of them.

This was huge. Colossal.

"Shepard…" Miranda stepped forward, a shockingly warm and expressive face aimed to me. Her eyes sparkled in the light for a moment, casting an unreal beauty to her face. "Your biotics aren't coming from your implants." Her voice sounded like she was giving me as wonderful news as I was having a baby.

Something must have shown on my face. Her excited smile faltered and turned into an understanding one. She gave no indication, but she understood; I could see it in her eyes.

I heard the clicking of Samara's heel shoes as she finally came into the conversation. "All will be well, Commander. You mustn't worry." Her strikingly beautiful face came into view at my side. "I know for certain that of all the people to have been presented this hurdle, you will be the one to overcome it." Her warm hand fell gently onto my chilled shoulder. Her face was gentle and endlessly empathetic. I smiled in thanks.

"Shepard, we will _absolutely_ be putting you through some tests." The operative's expression was firm and determined. "We don't know how long your biotics have been like this, but no matter what, we will answer _all_ of your questions. You don't need to worry."

I felt a camaraderie spark between us. Was this what it took for Miranda to open up a bit? I smiled and nodded slowly. "Thank you, Miranda."

"Well, Shepard isn't the only one with questions." I turned around at the sound of Anderson's low, tough voice. "I've got about seven so far. I'll probably be able to hit fifteen or so is you gimme another minute." He folded his arms and stepped around the cot as he spoke. He stood next to Alenko.

"Of course, sir. I will personally see that they are answered." I nodded to him with a knowing smile.

"Damn straight, soldier," he said. Anderson rarely got worried. I wasn't about to waste it now.

"Thank you, Anderson. I really appreciate you coming here." He nodded and turned to Miranda. They started to talk about what kind of procedures we would be doing, and the risks. Chakwas eagerly joined to share her insight and knowledge.

I looked over to Aleko. He was looking at me. I spared but two seconds before I had to look away. Thane walked over then, with Garrus at his side. "Shepard, how do you feel? It doesn't hurt, does it?" asked Garrus.

"What? You mean having needles sticking into my muscles while I move about? Pfft. I'm _way_ too ninja for that." I gave him a soft shove. It was all I could muster at the moment. "I'm fine, Garrus."

"That is good to hear, Siha, but are you really sure?" Thane's hand gently grasped my toned upper arm. He examined the suction cup with scrutiny. He asked Chakwas if he could take them out and she gave the okay.

I held out my arms and braced my feet shoulder-width apart as they carefully pulled the needles out. Alenko took out the ones on my back, and reached around me to get the ones on my collar, sternum, and lower stomach. As they moved around me, I felt Kaidan's warm breath on my shoulders. His hands were unbelievably careful and so, so tender. He didn't say a word.

"Thanks, guys."

"No problem, Shep."

"Anything for you, Siha."

"Could you guys go radio Joker that we'll be on our way soon?" I asked gently. The two nodded and started off together. I watched them leave and disappear around the corner.

I sighed, swallowed, and turned to the group. Kaidan stood next to me, also facing them. Anderson's questions grew a bit more complicated and in-depth, so Samara quietly added bits of information to help him understand. All of a sudden it was just me and Kaidan.

I swallowed the tight, knotted ball of words that had simmered up into my throat. I kept my eyes straight forward.

"How have you been, Shepard?" I heard from my side.

I felt my brows rise as I slowly inclined my head to him in mild astonishment. He had his hands firmly clasped behind his back. He stood at parade rest – eyes set straight forward. _Oh, the fucking irony_, I thought. He looked over at me after a moment with cool, level eyes. As soon as our eyes met my expression flattened to polite subordinate. "Well enough, Major." I kept his gaze for an infinitely stretched out five seconds before calmly turning my head forward again.

It was quiet for a long time, sparing the hum and beeping and clicking of terminals; neither of us moved an inch. "Shepard."

"Yes, Major?" I said, cocking my head to the side and looking at him.

"It's been a while…" He looked down and his throat bobbed a little when he swallowed.

"About four and a half months, sir." I, for one, knew _exactly_ how long it had been. "Unless you are referring to seven months ago."

"What happened seven months ago?" he asked ignorantly.

I let out the air in my lungs and felt the breeze waft through the open entrance and the windows. The air carried a small scent of fuel and alcohol, but it was cool on my exposed back and legs. My eyes drifted closed at the wonderful feeling of it on my hot skin. After a minute or so of that, my eyes drifted open as the thoughts and memories that flitted though my mind came to a close. I looked over at him, feeling like the arm's reach was a great ravine. "I abandoned ship. Weren't you there?"

A knowing, lightly exasperated look came to his eyes as he opened his mouth to protest. "Shepard, it wasn't your-"

"My fault?" I asked, secretly warmed. "You really gotta stick to your guns, man. I don't remember bipolar being in your medical record, Lieutenant." The words were harsh and full of acid, but laced so thoroughly with humor, it took all potential hurt from it. His mouth twitched up into a quick smile, but only to fall back. A little smile pulled at the corner of my mouth, despite my truly indignant feelings.

"I never blamed you for that, Shepard. Don't think it for a minute," the Major offered, his voice quiet, gentle, and husky.

I nodded. "I know."

The short silence that followed seemed to me like a string about to snap. "What were you talking about, then?" I said, all formality gone from my countenance.

The Major licked his lip. My eyes followed the movement across his full, pink lips. "I was talking about Horizon." I tore my eyes from the spot his tongue last appeared.

"Oh. Okay. What about it?" I tried to act like I didn't care. If I was half as close to him as he was to me, he'd know I was faking.

"I'm sorr-" The room suddenly fell into pitch blackness and Miranda's omni-tool began to flash yellow in time with an even, rhythmic beep. I heard the whoosh, distinctive tick and whirr of a side arm. With a slight of irritation, I realized, only upon reaching to my hip for my Eagle, that my pistol was at least ten feet away on a table with my clothes.

I sighed and opened my omnitool. By the faint yellow glow, I saw better what Miranda's flashing one had only given me a glimpse of. I held out my arm straight into the group. Miranda had her gun in both of her hands, using the flashes from her wrist as a sort of flashlight. Everyone had their gun pulled – even Chakwas, whom I didn't know even carried a sidearm, let alone the submachine gun she then held. Anderson, ever the soldier, had an assault rifle in his hands and only then did the light catch the heavy pistol at his waist. Samara was gently lit with her crystal clear biotics, stance ready and defensive. Their weapons were at first trained on each other, but after my omnitool offered more clarity, lowered their guns in apology and pivoted to scan the darkness with their eyes. The two body guards shouted through their radios for a perimeter check from the men stationed on rooftops while turning on their small, gun-mounted lights. Still, the room was too large and the lights too small. In the brief second my omnitool had been on, we all shared a moment of telepathic comradery, sharing with one another instinctive orders to execute.

As I turned to join them in their search, I came face-to-face with the Major. He had slightly widened eyes, the yellow light bringing out the golden flecks in them. My eyes moved to the pistol he had in his hands. From just above his elbows to his fingertips glowed in blue flame-like biotics. The barrel of the pistol couldn't be more than a foot and a half from my nose. "Kaidan," I said. He didn't move his gun. "Kaidan," I repeated. Still without response, I began to think perhaps he _was_ aiming for me. As far as he cares to think, I'm part of a terrorist group and possibly a high-priority threat. A little nervous, I shouted a little louder, "What the _fuck_, man! I don't even have my biotics, and you're going to point a gun at me?" I demanded. A few heads turned, wide-eyed at the Major – whom, may I mention, hadn't moved a millimeter the entire time, blank-faced and staring at me. Miranda immediately whipped around and pointed her gun at him, her heels clicking as she stepped forward. "Lieutenant Alenko!" I screamed. His eyes shifted focus and he blinked. My eyes kept darting to the gun. _He's not _really_ going to shoot me, is he…?_ I asked myself.

"Shepard…" he whispered in a soft, gentle and deep voice. His voice carried emotion and a certain brand of reverence, for lack of a better word. Out of nowhere, his eyes widened and regulated and his arms dropped, one going up in surrender. "Oh, oh, Shepard! I-I w-was... I mean, I-I wasn't pointing a _gun_ at _you_, I mean I was just…" Miranda shook her head and walked away, looking through the darkness again. "I just… got distracted…" His cheeks colored a little and his hand went up to rake through his hair and drop to grip his gun. "I… sorry, Shepard."

Understanding clicked in my mind, and before the tops of my cheeks could turn rosy, I nodded to him and continued on. I swear he could see the embarrassment and feelings even though I tried to hide them. He watched as I moved to my right, holding out my arm. I could see but maybe six feet in front of me. I padded across the floor, ready to fly into cover at any moment.

I came to the columns going along the two long sides of the rectangular warehouse. They were about twenty feet from the walls, supporting the edge of the long landing that went along each side. The building was tall enough to have three floors, but the landings were the only floor above us. The center of the building, a forty foot by hundred foot open space, had no ceiling except for the flat roof of the building.

I glanced over to the guard on the other side of the floor that was under the landing above the two of us. He used his flashlight to scan his area, and moved on toward here. The other guard was doing the same with the other side's landing.

I looked around shortly, and then went back into the open center. We were all spread out over the area. The two closest to me were the Major and Chakwas. Chakwas looked very serious – and very badass, might I add.

The Major then flared across most of his body, like adding a log to a flame. I felt a tingle of his biotic energy in the base of my spine. The feeling was new, and when I came closer, it tickled my nerve endings and crawled up my spine, slowly and hotly. Where the sensation was most concentrated – the line of my spine – it felt warm, like fingers trailing slowly up my back. I squirmed a little and shivered. The tingling spread out, moving out in a web from the base of my spine. It moved throughout my hips and inched lower between my legs and down them, swirling through me. As the warm static tingling moved up my spine, it spread over my stomach and gradually inched tantalizingly lower between my legs, finally spreading across the inner face of my thighs. It spread out my arms and across my chest, around my ribs. I felt, as it neared my skull, the warmth ghosted over my skin, moving up my neck and my jaw, smoothing out over my flushed cheeks. My body felt alive, like my limbs were half asleep and hands were all over me, tenderly caressing my skin with soft movements and kind fingertips.

With my head tilted to the side from the tingle moving up my neck and jaw, a breeze came through the large room. Goosebumps came to my skin all over my body and I got a chill so intense, it only succeeded in exacerbating the sensations. My back curved and my lips parted at the odd feeling.

At that exact moment, the major turned to look through this area. As soon as he saw me, he froze. I mentally scrambled to tramp down the bizarrely pleasurable tingling. My back straightened in an instant and I nodded to him in as serious a manner I could muster. I fought with the static energy every second he looked at me with those molten chocolate eyes. He stepped closer and a wave of the tingling throbbed from my lower back. "You okay, Shepard? You look…" I could tell in his eyes that he was trying to rule out what he thought he saw – and did see – as something else. He saw the heat in my eyes and the flush on my cheeks, the arc to my back and the lewd tilt to my head.

Now, standing straight, I rolled my shoulders for show and rubbed at my skin to ease the shiver. Wherever I rubbed with my hand amplified it, so I quickly dropped my hand to my side. "Just a chill."

Kaidan paused for a moment, a knowing look in his eyes. I could almost see in the dim light a small smirk on his face. I blushed further.

"You should put some clothes on, Shepard."

"Yeah, I know. Love to, but, ya know, can't see them," I countered, shrugging and raising my arms in submission.

He let out a small laugh and shook his head almost imperceptibly. "Well, I'm like a walking torch. We'll be good. Come on." With a prickle of uncertainty, I wondered why he was being so open and casual.

I stared at him a moment as he began to turn. "Have you forgotten about the power outage? Potential threat, ambush, purge, etc.?" I questioned.

"Well, if there is someone trying to breach this safehouse thing Lawson's got going on here, they're after either you or Anderson. Anderson can take of himself. He's armed and armored. You, are not." I opened my mouth in protest, but found none. Needing no reassurance, he spun and set off to lead me to the table with my clothes in it. "You'll be safe with me."

"I promise to use your body as a shield if we're under fire, don't worry."

Without warning, the Major flared up again, and his biotics crackled and roared quietly. My skin tingled and warmed. I exhaled sharply, earning a sidelong glance from Alenko. I smiled shortly, not stopping my stride beside him.

Without a word, he continued, looking around the room for the terminals, cot, and table. A small gasp flowed across my lips whenever he turned his head toward me. A strong inclination grew in my head that he could hear me. He stopped and turned in my direction. About ten feet away we could see the outline of the table and clothes. I hadn't anticipated his movement and he ultimately ended up six inches from my skin. I nearly flinched from the intense static-like energy. Why was his biotics giving me this sensation? My eyes traveled up to his. He quirked an eyebrow at me and I saw the grin that never graced his features. "Something the matter, Shepard?"

He absolutely, unquestionably, irrevocably knew.

I backed out of the way quickly and shook my head. "No. Just cold," I lied.

"Well, then you should put your clothes on," he gestured with his pistol toward the table, "before you get a cold."

I scoffed and went to the table. I sifted through the cloth until I came across a jacket, pulling it off the pile. "I've been more sick than a cold."

"Oh snap. We've got ourselves a badass over here," he said, making a show of backing off.

I flapped out the jacket and set it down. I reached into the pile again and took out the grey t-shirt. I slipped it on and reached up the back to undo the clasps in the towel wrap. I pulled the wrap out from under the shirt and tossed it to the side."Hey, it was a serious illness. Ask Chakwas. I 'endangered the crew, myself, our mission, and the ship' by not telling anyone I was sick."

"Well, yeah, that's like rule number one in a contained ship." He pointed out the obvious by saying this to me. I already got the whole lecture. "Why didn't decon get it?"

"Something about how the decon gets ninety-nine point nine-seven of all known human-susceptible contagions and it only does that ninety-nine point nine-nine-eight percent of the time. And it missed the germs once after a mission."

"The contagions set in before you went into decon again?" he assumed.

"Yep. And decon doesn't treat illness. Doctors do. And I didn't tell Chakwas."

He leaned against the table. "Why? You must've known you shouldn't have."

I sighed, pulling up my underwear and slipping it on under the towel. The grayscale camouflage cargo pants followed suit. "Well, to be fair, I didn't know at first, until EDI, the ship's VI told me my temperature was slightly raised. At that point I considered seeing Chakwas…" I yanked the towel off, looking around the room.

"But, you didn't."

"No. I thought, 'How could a simple germ defeat me when I'm supposed to single-handedly save the galaxy?' and figured it would just fade. I mean, how long could a small cold last in a top of the line warship with cutting edge technology?" I stood straight and rolled my shoulders, thankful to have something between me and the Major's biotics. "Apparently long enough."

Alenko grunted, nodding his head, looking out into the darkness at the various small sources of light from the others scattered about. "Well, you survived."

"Well, barely, apparently," I added.

"What?"

"I had ordered EDI to not tell anyone about my sickness. Her core programming doesn't allow her to disobey a direct order from the commanding officer unless it directly and actively endangers the crew or integrity of the mission. And so, nothing was done. I made sure to take precautions, just in case I was more sick than I thought I was. I ate in my quarters, washed my hands, made everyone endure another cycle of decon with me, and slept. I was almost never out of my quarters." I leaned against the table too, forgetting our situation – it just felt good to be with Kaidan again.

The Major put his hands on the edge of the table on either side of him and looked at me. "You seem fine now. What was your peak temperature?"

I rubbed my hands together. "Get ready for this shit. This is what makes your com-… makes me such a badass: the peak temperature was like, thirty-nine degrees Celsius."

For a moment, the Major was silent while he looked at her. "Serious?"

"Yeah. Like thirty-nine point, uh… like point eight something. It was bad. I was having biotic nightmares and everything." I nodded a few times as I said this.

"Shepard!" he shouted.

"What!" I whined. "It's over now. I'm fine," I mentioned.

He stood in front of me. "Shepard, you almost died. Do you have any idea what would have happened?"

"Yeah, I know. I messed up bad. It was close. Closer than we've ever been, and trust me, getting charley horses all over your body while you have chronic nightmares and delusions teaches you a lesson." I wrapped my arms around my ribs and agreed.

"The galaxy needs you to fight the Reapers. Be more careful, okay?"

"Yeah. Will do," I complied.

"Jeez." He relaxed his stance and sighed. "I've had some pretty bad biotic nightmares. How were yours?"

"Bad. Really bad…" I cleared my throat and pushed off the table. I padded away from the terminals. Major followed.

"Mine were really crazy and scary. They never made sense. You?" He kept pace with me easily as we walked towards Anderson.

"They uh… well. Yeah, they were like yours…" It was a white lie, but who really cared anyway? He wouldn't find out or anything, and it's just a bunch of nightmares.

"When did it all happen?" He nodded to a passing guard who gave him some sort of signal.

"Uh, right after Horizon, I think."

He perked up at that and gaped at me. "Really? But there aren't any foreign contaminants that differ from Earth. That's why it was a high-priority colony."

I avoided Kaidan's gaze and wished for someone to butt in. "Chakwas said I wouldn't have been infected if my body hadn't been weak at the time."

His brows knotted together between his eyes and he frowned a little. "Why was your body weak? Was it something Cerberus did to you?"

I sighed and slowed my walking. "No, Kaidan, it wasn't something Cerberus did."

"Well then what was it?"

I groaned and covered it covertly with a clearing of my throat. "Something about mental trauma weakening the body." I said it nonchalantly, but my thoughts ran rampant with the want for an interruption.

I quickened my stride and met with Anderson before the Major could reply. "Anderson. Any idea what's going on? Miranda?" I called. I instantly heard the clicking of her heels.

"My scans are showing the power is shut down. Based on the way it was disabled, it suggests someone did it purposefully."

"That's better than what I got. All I was gonna say was I think we should leave just to be safe," Anderson chided, shrugging.

"Shepard-"

I cut Kaidan off and took a step away from him. "Do you think it's worth evacuating, Miranda?"

"What do you mean, mental-"

"I think we should wait for what we hear from the scouts posted outside, Shepard," offered Miranda.

"Okay. That's what we'll do. Now, have we heard from Thane and Garrus?" I asked. Anderson called my name and pulled the heavy pistol from his waist. He tossed it to me and I gladly took it. I reloaded it and tested the weight in my hands and sighted it. Unsurprisingly, Anderson has good taste in guns.

"Shepard…!"

I screwed my eyes shut and lowered my gun, rubbing at my temple. "Yes, Kaidan?" I wished he would just drop it.

"What were you talking about? What mental trauma?" he demanded, his eyes heavy with anticipated burden. He sounded defeated and almost ashamed.

"This is really not a good time nor place, Kaidan, can this please wait?" I stretched my shoulders and rolled them to ease the tension.

"Shepard…" he stepped forward, looking straight at me. His eyes shot straight into me. If I told him, what would happen? Would he feel terribly? Would he beg for forgiveness? Was he simply curious? Was there anything more to the raw gleam in his eyes?

I knew what I was going to say before he even asked. I had known this would eventually come up, one way or another. "It was a little bit of everything," I said, only lying a little. "Seeing everyone like that, the Collectors, pressure, things like that. As hard to imagine as it may be, your old commander isn't immune to emotions." I paused and gave him a hard look. I wasn't going to tell him his brutal rejection on Horizon traumatized me to the point of susceptibility to a near-lethal fever. It was almost embarrassing. But I was going to hint at it. "Things can affect me, too." To leave the impression, I immediately turned away.

"Anderson, are you sure you didn't tell anyone?" I gently grilled.

Without missing a beat, Anderson nodded with certainty. "There's no way this came from me. I was tight lipped with even the guards until we arrived here on Omega. Alenko was the only person I told." There was not a trace of doubt in his mind, I could see that.

"Shepard," there was warning in Miranda's voice.

"I know. I hate to think someone in our crew told anyone, but…" I shook my head in denial. "No way. It was definitely not one of my people."

Chakwas entered the conversation then with a shockingly cool and calm expression. Who knew she was battle-trained – coolest grandma ever. "We have to consider this is another faction of Cerberus."

Miranda's arms crossed her chest and one hand tapped her lower lip. "It's possible, Shepard. If the Illusive Man saw any reason to do this, at all, it's extremely plausible."

The thought struck me. I had forgotten the Illusive Man isn't below attacking part of his organization if the rest benefits. All he would need would be an inclination that it would, in fact, help him or "help" humanity – I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm sure some small sector of Cerberus has discovered some kind of medi-gel modification, surgical technique, or fuel that actually does help humanity. But Cerberus is bad news. Cooperating with them is difficult because of everything they've done. It's difficult to tell whether or not they are finally actually trying to help or if they're just having one escapade of slightly less malice and cruelty. "I didn't think of that. Do you think it is him, Miranda? Out of anyone, you know him best. Would he do something like this?" I crossed my left arm over my ribs and rested my right elbow on my wrist. I restlessly tapped the side of the barrel of the pistol against my shoulder.

Miranda thought for a moment. Without looking up she replied surely, "I have no doubt he is capable, Shepard. But it's the question of whether he wants to or not."

"A man as ambitious as the Illusive Man is willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goal. If his goal is human supremacy, and somehow he needs Commander Shepard captured to become closer to that, he would do it without hesitation." Samara's wise, low, even tone was all the persuasion we needed.

"I don't want to sound conceited or anything, here, but I'm apparently worth a lot of credits."

"Quite a few billion, in fact," Miranda elaborated.

"Then why would he do this?" asked Anderson.

Good question. Is there really even an answer, though? Why would he do any of the other things he does? "We don't know what he plans to do with me or if it's even him, but on the off chance that it is him, maybe whatever he has going on is bigger than me." No one here suspects it could be anyone but him. "The pay off might be worth more than I am."

It was silent all through the room. The guards were quiet as well, stationed on either side of our group as they waited for the status outside. "You can't just put a value on a person like that," said the Major.

"Is there anything that would be worth more than the person who could stop the Reapers?" Anderson's question was more of a statement.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, here. He might just want to… I don't know. Talk."

"Yeah, right. More like interrogate by less than legal means," retorted Major.

I gave him a "Come on, man! Ease up!" look. He sighed quietly and shut up.

"Okay, maybe he doesn't want to just talk. But that doesn't mean he wants to kill me," I said. How the hell had I ended up defending the Illusive Man? I shook my head absently. "But _damn_ I hate that man."

Miranda snorted. "Who doesn't at least a little."

"Either way, we have to prepare, people. We've stood here talking long enough." I cracked my knuckles in preparation.

"I agree." Samara lit up her hand with biotics.

"Anderson, that soldier I head-butted. His name?"

"The name's Joseph Green, Commander. Sorry for earlier, ma'am." I followed the voice and went over to the soldier. He seemed a little nervous.

"Hey. Calm down," I laughed. "I won't bite." I smiled and patted the man on the shoulder. He was probably a few years younger than me. I pushed his shoulder a little, eliciting a small laugh from him. "Have you heard back from the men stationed outside yet?"

"No, ma'am. They should be reporting back any second."

I told him to let us know when they do.

"Um, ma'am? Permission to speak freely?"

I shrugged and put my weight on my right leg. "Honestly, Green, when it's just you and me…" I smiled sweetly in reassurance. "You don't have to worry about those regulations."

I didn't notice the flirtatious way it could be taken until I saw his cheeks color. "Okay, Shepard."

"Jeez, Shepard, next he'll be committing mutiny for you!" chortled Anderson. I laughed with him.

"Ah, sorry."

Suddenly the radio cut through the air. "Green, there are Cerberus agents here! There's at least three dozen assault troopers! Possibly more!"

My jaw dropped. I grabbed the radio from Green's hands. "Did you just say three dozen, soldier?" I screamed into it.

The man on the other end sputtered. "Uh, yes, ma'am!"

I cursed under my breath. "Shit! What direction are they coming from? What kinds of weapons is your team carrying?"

"They're cutting through the north down to your position. We have mostly sniper rifles, ma'am, and SMGs."

"Soldier, order your team to take down as many as they can, but don't engage in close combat. Pick off as many from the rooftops as you can! We'll take care of the rest."

"Ma'am!" The radio clicked off.

"Dammit! Green, move. I want the two of you on either side of that door, fifteen feet from the threshold!" I pointed them into position and they scurried off with a simple "Of course, Shepard!" from Green.

"Miranda, I want you to take cover behind this pillar," I pointed to the one on the right that was second closest to the door. "Uh, Chakwas, you should take the pillar on the left closest to the door, since you have the shotgun." Thoughts raced through my head at a hundred miles per hour. "Uh, Samara, lift yourself up onto the landing. Either one works. Use your biotics to take them down. Anderson, you choose where you go. And Kaidan. He's not under my command anymore." I glanced wistfully over to him and then returned my attention to Anderson. "Choose quickly, please."

Anderson pursed his lips and looked dumbfounded. "I don't know, Shepard, it's hard to choose which concrete cylinder I want to stand behind. Real tough. On one hand, I could-"

"Anderson, you get the left."

"Okay, Kaidan, you get right." Anderson left to take cover behind the left.

I shook my head and pushed Kaidan over to the right gently. "Go."

Major looked over his shoulder at me as I urged him along. "Shepard, I.."

"Yeah?"

"I just… never mind. It's not important." He turned straight ahead and walked faster, making me stumble after him.

I turned back toward the center of the room. Where was Garrus and Thane? Had they run into the troopers? I was nearly frozen in the center of the room, surrounded by complete darkness. "I… I'm going outside." I said.

A harmonious "What?" loudly rang and echoed through the previously silent room. "I… Garrus. Thane. They're still out there. I shouldn't have sent them out there. What if they run into the troopers? What if something happens to them? What if-" I caught myself before I got too excited.

"Shepard, they're probably fine."

"Well, yeah, but what if they-" I heard the desperation in my own voice. I couldn't let anything happen to them.

"Shepard. They'll be fine. My team is elite. They'd give them cover fire in time to either escape or get into cover. They know what to do. I promise that," Anderson called form his cover.

"Don't go, Shepard." I did a double take at Major's words. "You're needed here."

I was torn, and was no closer to reaching a decision when out of nowhere a glass window shattered above us. Everyone aimed and was about to fire, but I shouted for them to hold. Two shapes jumped in, and I knew who it was already. They dropped down onto the landing. I heard them grunt as they came into contact with the floor. A small amount of light shone through. After a moment, the duo appeared at the railing and their distinctive profiles were outlined. "You took way too long, guys," I called up.

Garrus' gravelly voice rumbled down to us. "Well, at least now the party can start. We heard from the others what's coming. I checked before we came," he said, gingerly jumping down the twenty or so feet to the ground level. Thane followed behind. "You'll want to prepare, Shepard. It's going to be a firefight."

"Siha, help me pull this table and cot into the center of the room, please." I nodded and the three of us went over to the table. Thane and I drove the table, as it scraped on the cold floor and left marks, across into the center of the room and flipped it on its side. Garrus wheeled the cot over and put it on its side next to the table.

"Aright, Garrus, you should, uh… I'm not sure." I thought while I looked around the room. "Samara, can you lift Garrus up to the opposite landing?"

"I can, yes. Assuming, that is, that Garrus has been spacing out his dextro muffin intake."

"Hey!" cried Garrus. He pointed at her and began to complain when Samara lifted him suddenly into the air and onto the opposite landing. "Oh, I see how it is. Call a turian fat then shut him up by hurling him through the air. Real example of camaraderie, Samara."

Thane and I ducked behind the table and cot. Then an idea struck me. "Thane, can you help me push these forward a little?"

"Are you sure, Siha?"

"Yeah. Only a little, though."

"Very well." We shoved together and moved them forward a few meters.

"Alright, guys. Get ready. Should be here any minute. Green, can you ask how many they managed to get?"

The total body count was thirteen. We were left with a whopping thirty-two. "Green, I need you two to be ready. They're going to flow through that door and attempt an overwhelming ambush. You need to do whatever you can to weaken them for us to take down, but after they notice you, withdraw, okay?"

"Anything for you, Shepard," he said, nodding with a confident smile.

"My god, Shepard! You've captured the hearts of two of my most trusted men, now!" cried Anderson.

I showed no evidence of the feelings that birthed. I aimed my shotgun at the door. "Well, let's just say… through a series of unfortunate turn of events, the first escaped my custody."


	11. Split Second

Things hadn't worked out like they were supposed to – but then again, does anything? Kaidan wasn't supposed to be here, my past with him wasn't supposed to come up, Cerberus wasn't supposed to ambush us, and my plan was supposed to have worked. But none of it had.

Green was overwhelmed with three assault troopers. Miranda and Chakwas shot them down, thankfully, but it was close. Samara's biotics flared among the offensive group constantly and sent men flying through the air, dead or unconscious. She was doing a serious number on them. Anderson quickly shot down enemy after enemy, but slowly. Kaidan was also deliberate in his shots. He aimed for key points in their armor, taking one man down in under ten shots. Thane was next to me still, popping out from behind cover to pop off a few shots and duck back into cover. Garrus was atop the landing, carefully taking out whatever targets were still enough. Zaeed, returned from getting Grunt, was shouting to the Cerberus lackeys as he took them down easily. Something about "wankers". The newly arrived Grunt was up in the front lines, punching and kicking and charging his way about the group as they came in. Altogether, at the start we burned through them like they were tissue paper.

But then, as we finished off the first wave, another swarmed us. Samara threw a small black hole like biotic energy at the doorway. It certainly slowed them down, but did only that. If I had my biotics, I would have charged straight into the group, knocking them all down, and hit them with biotic punch after punch. Without that, I was reduced to a pistol. I unloaded clip after clip into them. Samara was looking exhausted and Garrus was running out of ammo. Miranda and Chakwas fell back.

With a low oath, I slammed my fist into the table and reloaded. I popped back up out of cover and took down one. There were about eight left in the room.

I grit my teeth and shouted, "Focus your fire! Front to back!" I shot one a few times, and the others did the same. He was down in two seconds. "Next!" Another down. Another. Another.

Soon there was only two left. Things seemed to be going perfect.

I reloaded and peeked over the top to aim. My vision focused on one trooper. My finger pulled back at the trigger. He opened fire. I felt it before I realized it. I grunted as it made impact. The bullet tore through me. It pushed my skin apart and buried itself inside my muscle. It burned as it drove farther and came to a stop at the top of my deltoid. I groaned and choked on my own throat. I clenched my jaw and screwed my eyes shut at the sight of a spray of my blood. Somewhere along the way I had fallen backward. I laid on my back, writhing.

"Siha!" Thane shouted. I rolled up against the bottom of the table. Thane moved over in a crouch and hovered over me, peeling the bloody cloth away from my shoulder. I watched as bullets flew by over our heads and felt as they impacted with the table. I pushed Thane's tentative hands away gently and ripped the jacket open. Every movement sent a fiery, pulsing trail of pain along my shoulder. My fair skin was covered in a layer of blood. From the bottom of the entry point flowed a steady stream of blood.

"_Shiiiiiiiiitt_..." I hissed. I exhaled shakily and groaned as Thane's tender fingertips touched the skin a few centimeters off. "Oh, this is great," I ground out. "Perfect." Thane gave me a wary glass and tried to focus on my wound. "Okay, Thane. I know what to do. Apply pressure. Prevent bleeding. Got it. Kill those bastards for me, love?" I placated.

Before Thane could protest or comply, all firing in the room ceased. The wave was already taken care of, apparently. Thane called out over the table, "Siha is hurt!" and returned to crouching over me. I heard heavy footsteps and disbelieving shouts.

Thane pressed my shoulders back into the table and looked me in the eye. "Siha, the Doctor is coming. You will be well soon." His dark eyes carried worry and compassion and unyielding trust and hope.

My hand went up to his shoulder and gripped the crook of his neck. I shook him lightly as I spoke. "I know, Thane. Don't worry. I'll be fine."

I saw Chakwas appear around the corner and duck down next to me. "My god, Shepard…" she said upon seeing the seeping gash.

"Well, Chakwas, I had no idea you thought so highly of me," I chuckled, adjusting myself to sit straight.

There were heavy footsteps drawing near as Chakwas gave me a warning look and inched closer. "Did it reach you deltoid muscle?" she asked, prodding at it.

"Yeah. Definitely." My fingers tingled with blood loss. "Hate to be a bringer of bad news and all, but I'm losing sensation in my hand. Let's just burn the bitch shut for now, eh?" I proposed, wincing as her leather gloved finger tips opened the wound. Blood seeped down my torso, sticking the inside of the jacket to my ribs and waist.

I looked to Chakwas for permission. "You can't be serious Shepard." Her voice was laden with denial.

"Okay, okay, I get it-ah! Ouch. Easy there, killer." I could feel a few drops of my blood on my cheek. "Hey, I didn't spray my blood all over or something, did I?" I asked quickly.

"No, Shepard. Just a bit on the bottom face of the cot," answered the doctor.

I jumped as her fingers pushed down roughly on either side of the hole. Blood gushed out briefly. I growled and hissed as she worked. Suddenly, on the side of Chakwas opposite of Thane, Anderson and Kaidan appeared.

Anderson whistled and nodded in approval. "You've got a nice scar comin', Commander."

I shook my head and hit the floor with my good hand. "Darn flabbit, I was going for a record. Five weeks without a developing scar. Longest I've made it in recent years." I let out a weak laugh and tried to look down at my shoulder. Chakwas' hand came up and pushed my face back. The blood that was on my face and her hand smeared over my cheek noticeably. I cringed at the smell. "Ugh, seriously, not pleasant."

"Sissy." I heard from behind me. I looked up to see Garrus leaning on the cot, looking down to me.

"The only reason I'm not smacking you upside the head right now, Vakarian, is because you've got the knarliest set of scars I've ever seen."

"Oh, yeah, because you've _so_ seen _all _ my scars, Shepard." Vakarian shook his head.

"Is there something I should know, Gar-bear?" I teased.

With an odd sounding cross species equivalent of a snort, he laughed and retorted, "Absolutely _not_, Shepard. No. Big no."

I sniffled for show. "That hurt, Gar-bear."

He sighed and leaned back onto the side of the cot, giving in.

"Don't talk so much," Chakwas interrupted.

I turned and looked straight on, an extremely serious look on my probably paling face. "Yes ma'am!"

"And don't shout. I'm hardly two feet from your big mouth."

I was obediently silent, waiting for her to dub me ready for action.

Green said he put a cyber encryption on the door to keep them out. I questioned why he didn't do that in the first place. Ma'am, it was adrenaline, ma'am, sorry, ma'am.

"Shit, Shepard…" whispered Major.

"What, too much skin for you, Major?" I teased idly, mentally dulling the pain with soft, warm memories.

"Yeah, that's it." He replied neutrally, eyes locked on my still oozing wound.

"Oh, and he admits it so boldly, too!" I sang, twitching at a particularly sharp flash of pain.

"Shepard, I have to take this out now," decided Chakwas.

I gave her a look. "What, now? Why? Can't we just… strap it up and move on?" I questioned earnestly.

She scrunched her eyebrows together and scowled in distaste. "Absolutely not. It's hard to see in this light, but I can tell it's grazed your subclavian artery. Since you can still move and feel your left arm, I think it's safe to say it didn't get to your nerves. It's just under the upper curve of your clavicle, so I'd say a centimeter or two deeper and to your right, and it would have completely tore through your artery and obliterated your ulnar and median nerves," she explained.

The words were big. I heard obliterated. Nerves, arteries… very short distances to certain death. Enough to know the bullet needed to be removed and the wound taken care of. "Okay," I said submissively.

"She'll need something to bite down on..." she said with uncertainty. Everyone was wearing armor and reinforced clothing. Nothing that would tear.

"Well, that's spectacular. I'll just keep my mouth open."

"You'll choke."

"Guess that's out then."

I heard a solid click and the sound of metal scraping on metal. "She can use my arm."

I snorted. "I'm sorry, was that you, Zaeed? You can forget that." I scoffed.

"Why does everyone always think it was bloody me?" Zaeed shouted.

A question rose in my throat, but Chakwas spoke before me. "Well, if we're being reduced to limbs, anyone's will really work. Well… maybe not Garrus'… no offense,"

"None taken, doctor."

"It would be best to not use me, either." I glanced over to Thane with a smile.

A laugh bubbled up in me and shook my bloody frame. "Remember that one time I bumped into you around the corner and my mouth touched your sternum?" I laughed. My face pulled up into a smile and painful laughter erupted from me. "Oh my _god_, that was priceless. I was hallucinating for almost two days. Oh, that was _perfect_! Greatest trip of my _life_!" A soft, low laugh sounded from deep in his throat at the memory.

"Yes, I seem to recall being scolded by the good doctor for wearing something that left any of my skin exposed. You were the crew's entertainment for the evening, I might add. Joker said it was the funniest thing he had seen in his entire lifetime." Thane smiled broadly and laughed. "I got a few anonymous requests to 'accidentally' bump into you again."

"Oh, I'm sure you did."

"Shepard, I hate to interrupt your untimely reminiscing, but I'd estimate that you have lost about an eight of your blood already, and chuckling at your previous near drunken stupor is not doing very much to resolve the issue."

"Oh, shit. That's a lot. Alright, let's get to it, chop-chop," I said, waving my hand through the air. "Guess that's why I can't feel my feet. Or from the elbow down on my arm. Or my fingers on my other arm…" I paused, pretending to think. "Yeah, we should resolve the issue."

"Oh, you are impossible, Shepard!" reprimanded Chakwas. "Could you open her shirt more, please?"

Major leaned from out of nowhere and across me, carefully tearing the hole in the cloth further. I felt his warmth through the cloth as his forearm brushed against the jacket over my collar. He was just so close… He ripped the cloth carefully and left a big enough space for Chakwas to work.

"Alright," I declared, "whose arm shall I be munching on while the doc here fishes through my deltoid for a bullet?" I asked, looking around with a plain expression.

"Mine, Shepard. And please limit the munching," presented Major.

I felt oddly still and warm under his eyes. They swam with hidden thoughts and sentiments and secrets. One thing he bore openly for me: he saw. He saw what was happening to me. Did he know it was his biotics that caused it? Did he think of me as lewd and perverted? But one thing… one thing was for sure: he saw. "I think not, Major."

"Why?" asked Chakwas. "A limb is a limb."

"Oh, no, you don't, you sex hungry mongrel! Keep your itchy fingers away from my Shepard!" shouted Miranda.

I raised an eyebrow at the situation. Truly too ironic…

"Your Shepard?" challenged Kaidan.

Miranda grew indignant at his affronting attitude. "She is more mine than yours, asshole!"

I sat silently, lips pursed together into a tight line, eyebrows heightened. I sighed and waited for someone to say something. No one did, so I, bleeding out and shot, took the jump for them. "Okay, guys, let's do this. A limb is a limb."

"Well said, commander." Chakwas shifted and kneeled in front of me. Major did the same. "Now, Shepard, you need to kneel over his right knee and hold your arms behind your back. When it hurts, just bite down on his shoulder." She settled at my left side.

I looked up at Major. He was waiting patiently. I suddenly felt a wave of dizziness and reached out. My hand found Kaidan's chest. I felt his heart thrumming under my palm. It steadied me, and with a reminder of urgency from Chakwas I moved forward, resting my hands on his shoulders and moving on my knees. I lowered myself onto his leg and slowly rested my forehead on his shoulder. The front face of my right shoulder pressed against his right shoulder face, his arm supporting our weight behind him. I pulled my hands behind myself and grabbed my wrists. Kaidan's warm, rough hand held both of mine. "Tell me when you're going to do it, okay, Chakwas?"

"Of course, Shepard."

I inhaled and, once Chakwas gave the indication, I exhaled sharply. The pain was excruciating. I gagged instantly and my nails dug into the smooth skin of my wrists. I groaned and cried out as the doctor's forefingers and thumb reached in the entry wound. Before Major could pull my face to his shoulder, as I had gone tense, a small scream escaped me through clenched teeth. I inhaled again to let out another yelp but Kaidan's hand reached up and cupped the back of my head. He pulled my head down to his shoulder and I bit down on his shirt. I found enough restraint in myself to keep from cutting him. His hand remained holding the back of my head. With Kaidan's shoulder between my teeth, my scream fortunately sounded more of a high-pitched growl. The grip I had on my wrists gave way and I grabbed Kaidan's shirt, knotting the fabric over his chest in my hand. My left hand held for dear life on a pocket of my cargo pants. I could feel as Chakwas' slender fingers reached the bullet. It pushed the metal further in for a second. I yelped and I couldn't bite down on Kaidan's shoulder anymore. I put my forehead into the nape of his neck and tried not to cry. I would not shame myself as to cry; I am a soldier, no less. My chest heaved and the edges of my eyes were wet with what was dangerously close to becoming a tear rolling down my cheek. Kaidan's hand that had been supporting our weight found mine and pried it from my pants, holding it with a strong, sturdy grip.

I heard vaguely from Chakwas that she had the bullet. She pulled it out quickly and with ease. I took a deep breath at the striking relief. Near all the pain was gone. I panted, my breaths ghosting over Kaidan's neck. His hand left the back of my head and fell to between my shoulder blades.

"Shepard, I got it. Where are the cloths you were wearing?" asked Chakwas.

"… floor by the terminal…" I mumbled.

"I'll get them," said Thane. A second later, he turned the towels over to Chakwas.

She slipped under my jacket and carefully wrapped it around my underarm and the top of my shoulder. She wrapped it tightly to keep the bleeding slow. She bound the second from my under arm to the other side of my neck.

I felt weak and tired, but tense and taut. I tried to flex my shoulders, finding that Kaidan's head was on my shoulder as well. I let go of his shirt and his hand and sat up straight. I looked down at his soft, thick, dark hair. He looked defeated and pained– a completely unsupported observation without any grounds whatsoever. Without thinking, I reached up and held the back of his head to my shoulder, running my fingers through his short tendrils. "It'll be okay, Kaidan. It'll be okay."

I raised my head. A trooper limped forward. Time stood still. An all-encompassing, earth-stopping terror chilled me and numbed my senses. I felt rather than heard the click of the shotgun being reloaded. The Cerberus soldier raised his gun. I shoved with all my strength. The pain didn't come as I moved. I pushed Kaidan back behind me. A shout of denial flowed from my lips. I felt no resistance as we spun. I pushed him against the cot. I knelt in front of him, gripping the side of the cot with both hands. I pulled Kaidan down into my chest. I am his shield. The shot was loud and it rang through my ears. I felt a solid impact, like being hit with a pillow at sixty miles per hour. It lurched me forward.

There was no pain.

There was no sound.

There was nothing but the red flames dancing at the rims of my eyes and Kaidan's eyes. Oh, his eyes… those beautiful… molten chocolate… eyes…


	12. Cerberus

The first sound I heard was a dull, muffled bang. It sounded like a shotgun blast. I felt my eyes roll into my head. More sounds slurred through my ears. I vaguely felt an icy coldness against the bottom of my back. My head thrummed. There was a heavy bass rapidly echoing in my ears. My head was light and a burning pain roared from inside my torso. I was hardly aware of anything, like I was waking up from deep sleep in slow motion. My name in Chakwas' voice blurred like a far off echoing whisper. My body was numb and sluggish. I was dying.

I sensed that some of the noises were voices. They sounded like shouts and crashes through a wall. Consciousness was difficult to maintain. My limbs couldn't keep up with my mind. As I struggled to open my eyes or move my body, I started to be able to feel. It was as if instead of just my hand falling asleep it was my entire body. The cold against the small of my back was the concrete floor. It felt like a razor sharp sponge. Under my torso was cloth. It pressed into my skin like woolen rock. Sand paper covered my legs. I felt nothing on my stomach or chest. Just soft emptiness.

With every quick, abrupt inhalation, I felt the painful dryness of my mouth. Barely, I could tell where each sludgy sound came from. I felt my eyes open, but saw nothing. There was nothing but blackness and dancing bits of color. My brain throbbed. I remained like this for an eternity.

I felt darkness pull in on my mind's flank. I made one final push to regain full awareness. My vision shifted to brightness. All feeling was gone. My entire body tingled and rang with a chill and an unknown, new feeling. I was laying on the ground. I shrank back from the blinding white light. It was still impossible to move my limbs, but I screwed my eyes shut. As soon as I turned my head away, I felt a throb shake my skull, and more just like it. They assaulted my senses and skewed my balance. I heard nothing but my own slurring voice as I cried out and incoherent, muffled whitenoise. Lightheadedness came to me and I became nauseous. I felt vomit purge my system and flow up into my mouth. I turned my head to the side and let it go. The acid stung and bit at my esophagus. Bile coated my tongue. I gagged and coughed.

Hands pressed my back and held me steadily on my side. I gasped for air and hacked whatever I managed to get out. I dry heaved repeatedly.

Once my lungs had stabilized themselves back to short gasps, I was put onto my back again. Air sifted over the front of my torso.

"Shepard, relax!" I heard. I couldn't tell who said it. "Can you hear me, Shepard?" My head swam and then the call became more acute. "Shepard, can you hear me? Shepard!" It was Doctor Chakwas.

Air rushed out of my lungs too quickly to form a word. A combination of odd sounding exhales and nodding my head told her yes. Her head rested on my forehead and over my bare chest. "Shepard, you are undergoing tachycardia – your heart is beating too fast. Try to breathe slowly for me, okay? Can you do that for me?"

I tried to wave my hand. I don't know if it worked. I shut my mouth and breathed through my nose. My head throbbed harder. I suddenly felt like I was being spaced again. I opened my mouth wide and gasped for air. I held my mouth open and heaved my chest. Air flowed through desperately and narrowly.

"That's good, Shepard, do that. Try to calm your heart rate."

I tried. And tried again. And tried a whole other way twice. It wasn't working. My body felt like it was burning up. Sweat rolled down my forehead and torso. In a moment of desperation I managed to swing my arm up and grasp her forearm. I blinked the sweat out of my eyes and tried to see straight. "-can't, can't br-…. can't breathe…! My, my chest feels…!" Her hand left my face and held onto my elbow.

"Shepard, I know it hurts. I know, but you _have _to slow your breathing and heart or you will die." I glimpsed my wan, clammy skin covered in a sheen of sweat and saw the desperation in her face.

I was going to die.

"Chakwas, how is she?" roared Garrus. I started to hear the zing of spent ammunition flying overhead. We were still at the abandoned factory.

"It's not good! She's conscious, but she's vomiting with blood, hyperventilating, and experiencing tachycardia!" she replied. As I lay hyperventilating with my mouth hanging open, two figures appeared over me and squatted at my sides.

I felt the cool, smooth fingers of Thane graze over my raging temple and then grasp my hand firmly. I held onto it just as tightly. The pain was causing my muscles to tense.

A hot tear rolled down from the corner of my eye to my hairline. My head rolled back and ground into the floor. A hand, not quite as cool as Thane's, wiped it away and held the side of my head. I looked to who it was and was met with Kaidan's face. His brow was scrunched together and a horrible frown creased his face. I could only look at his face for a short time before a surge of pain coursed over my body. My groan quickly turned into a whimper.

I grit my teeth despite the need for oxygen – I was trying to contain my scream. My body forced my mouth open and I inhaled, slowly releasing it in a shrill cry. My hand inched to my chest and my nails dug into my skin over my heart. I cried again.

The roughness of Kaidan's hand on mine was intensified. It felt like a brick was rubbing on my skin. I cringed and a hurt look passed over his face. I tried to explain. By endeavoring to speak I had only made it harder to breathe. I was quickly shushed by him. A look of sadness washed over his features again. His eyes held the desperation of remaining a pillar of strength and dependability. Although his mouth was in a firm line and his shoulders were squared, his chin raised, I could see the strain in his eyes.

With the squeeze on my heart that sight brought, I couldn't hold any longer. I groaned and panted. It was all I could do to keep from shaming myself in front of my crew. I groaned, growled, moaned and grunted. I sounded like an animal. I felt the sweat slip over my skin. The flashlight being held over us shifted in and out of focus. My body tingled and burned and itched as my eyes rolled back into my head. No more sounds came from my mouth.

My eyes flashed open. I was sucked into a loud reality again. The world was tinted red as it flew around with my eyes. I felt something sticky on my face. I panted and reached up to it. My fingers came away bloody and the metallic scent of iron and salt flooded my nose I inhaled sharply at the unpleasant smell and was forced into a coughing fit. I made it up onto my elbows dizzily. My heart pounded in my fingertips. I could feel my pulse spot throbbing up and down.

Chakwas – a sight for literally sore eyes – came into view and sat me up against one of the concrete pillars. "Shepard, are you feeling any better?" she asked, more calm than before.

"Doctor… are we still in the factory?" I groggily lifted my hand to my head. It was wet and slick with sweat. My short blonde and black hair stuck to my scalp.

"Yes. We're getting you out of here. You'll be fine. Don't worry," she reassured me. Her hairline was dark grey with a thin layer of sweat. Her eyes were glassy and her eyelids were swollen and pink. She looked exhausted.

"What happened?" I asked while wiping away the thick red liquid over my lower face. "Why am I bleeding?"

She moved closer and lifted my chin a bit. She gazed at my face carefully. "You got a nosebleed from your high blood pressure. The tachycardia made that worse, and, combined, gave you the mother of all nosebleeds." Her elderly voice so interlaced with her trademark humor made me smile.

"Well, at least my head didn't explode."

She chuckled and nodded, adding, "Actually, for a moment we feared it would. When you fainted-"

"Passed out," I corrected. No way does Commander Fucking Shepard "faint". Just the thought brought a chill to her skin.

"When you passed out, your breathing stopped entirely for a moment. Alenko nearly had a heart attack when your face turned purple. We had to resuscitate you." She patted my shoulder and gently took my wrist. She checked my pulse and, seeming disappointed but content with the results, laid my hand back down on my thigh.

"Where is he? Where is Thane? Is everyone okay?" I asked, a bright, focused orb of nervousness swelling in my gut.

"Anderson told them that they can do more for you by keeping the troopers away from here," a corner of the factory fortified with the terminals and tables and cot, "and let me do what I'm here for." She squatted next to me, resting her elbows on her knees. "You're sure you're okay? You were in pretty sorry shape when you woke up the first time…" her steel blue eyes ran a cursory examination. The slight twitch of her brow told me all I needed to know.

"I'm dizzy, my heart is beating hard, I feel groggy, and I have a nosebleed." I paused for a moment. "It's basically when happens whenever I get drunk. I wake up feeling shit-faced." I gave a small crooked smile. It disarmed her ticking doctor bomb and brought a small tug to the corner of her thin lips.

"Well, I've dealt with that often enough recently." She gestured to me with her hand and shrugged. "Nothing I can't handle, then?"

"Well, from what I remember, which isn't much really, I'm usually more capable as far as mobility." I laughed softly and shifted, pushing my back fully against the cool concrete.

"We'll have the men drag you to the shuttle."

I hummed in reply, rolling my tight shoulders. I realized, as my jaw touched the bare skin of my shoulder, that my jacket was gone. I gasped and looked down, my hands already slowly making their way to my chest. I saw the towel cloth wrapped around my breasts loosely. I sighed with relief. I got a chill.

A swarm of bullets whizzed by over head. I shrank instinctively, pulling down Chakwas' shoulders. I looked over my shoulder. There was a rounded wall of terminals and every other thing in the room about ten meters away. All the crew I had brought, including the two guards, Anderson, and Alenko, were taking cover behind it, shooting whenever opportunity struck. I steadied my breathing for a moment and inhaled a lung full of air. I shouted over the gunfire and hum of biotics to them. "I think you guys missed a few!" I teased, swinging my sleeping limb at the scarred wall full of bullet holes. I gasped and resumed regulating my breathing.

All heads turned and smiles blossomed on them all. The view warmed my heart. Grunt yelled to me in his rumbling voice, Garrus cackled and smirked, shaking his head. Samara let a smile grace her features and threw a biotic field at the troopers. Anderson laughed loudly and saluted me. Thane, ignoring previous suggestion, slinked over. Alenko turned and his shoulders relaxed for a moment and he gave me a warm smile, his eyes shining golden. When he saw Thane's approach, he followed.

"Siha, thank the Gods you are awake." He smiled and quickly found a place to sit next to me. His hand went to my heated forehead then rested on my shoulder. "Seeing you as your usual self has put my mind at ease. We were so worried about you, Siha."

I braced myself and swung my arm up with great effort, lightly punching him in the arm. "Fuck yeah! I mean, not that it's good that I made you worry. But still. I'm glad I'm awake too."

"You wouldn't be at all, really. There is something you should probably know, Siha. His shields were already up when you turned him, and since you were touching his armor, it spread over your skin," commended Thane.

"Are you serious?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Yes."

I looked up at Major as he knelt next to me, elbows perched on his knees and hands together. "Your shields were up?" He nodded to me and looked me over. "So then… that was for nothing…." I blushed a little. _Damned reflexes. _I then noticed, as his gaze rolled over me, all the details I had previously been unable to see. My cargo pants were torn and frayed, as if from years of wear. My jacket was wide open, torn clean down the middle and at my shoulder. The towel covered my chest. My are feet were covered in blood, as well as my bare torso. I looked at the bullet wound and the pain returned. Only one cloth was wrapped tautly around it, the entire front face of it bright red with blood. I made a face and touched the wet cloth. I cringed at the pressure and wiped the blood from my fingers. "Damn… I really got my shit fucked up."

"You're lucky to be alive," murmured Alenko. His eyes met mine and then flashed to the worn fabric of my pants.

"You too, Major." I pushed his shoulder and raised my eyebrows at him when he looked up. "You understand?" I said.

He was quiet for a while and I thought he wouldn't answer. With reluctance in his eyes, he nodded. I grunted and smiled, shoving his arm. He nearly toppled over, only saving himself last minute by outstretching his arm and changing to a sitting position. His armor hit the concrete audibly and scraped along as he scooted closer, leaning his weight on his left arm. He stretched his long legs out and bent his right one up at 110 degree angle. "So you're feeling better, then?"

"Extremely. My heart is still racing, I feel nauseous, I've got a major headache, and my body is sluggish, but I'll make it." I was out of breath by the time I finished that statement. I had to inhale deeply to get enough air again.

"That is good to hear, Siha. We will get you back to the Normandy any time soon. Do not fret."

I pursed my lips into a line and nodded, my brow creasing. Still doing that, I looked over at him. "On the contrary, my dear drell, I think I'm remaining rather calm, given the situation." I squeezed his hand and tapped my thumb twice against his knuckles.

"I admit," he laughed lowly in his soft, rumbling voice, "it is difficult to imagine you fretting over anything."

"Exactly!" I exclaimed, coughing afterwards. My sticky red palm went up to my chest and I spiraled into a fit of wheezing and hacking. My head pounded and a few droplets of sweat trickled down from the edge of my brow.

"Easy, Shepard." I shot a brief look over to Kaidan's concerned face. He was always so compassionate. He was even concerned for the health of me, whom he no longer considered an ally. His hand reached out and held my shoulder as Thane's did.

When my coughing had lessened, I straightened and rolled my shoulders. It hurt like hell, but the tension in them finally released with a solid crack. Chakwas made a disgusted face; she always hated it when I did that.

"I'm okay," I said between quiet seizures of my lungs. "I'm okay. Just out of breath…" I took a few deep breaths, the coughing finally ending.

"What, are you dying back there, Shepard?" growled Garrus. As he sent a dozen bullets into the torso of a trooper.

"Hopefully not!" I called. "But there _is_ a lot of blood."

"Did we develop a system here or something? Or do I just have to wait my turn to talk to you?" he responded, looking back to me.

"I'll go take his place," offered Thane.

"Okay." He stood and his hand slipped from under mine. Just as he went to turn, I angled my head back and grabbed his hand. "Be careful, okay?"

His smile reached his eyes. They shone with the dim flashlight over us and shined affectionately and he nodded slowly, "I promise, Siha." I let go of his hand and brought my attention back to Chakwas and Alenko.

Alenko's expression was unreadable, but I thought for a second when I turned my head that I saw a cold glare directed at Thane. I must have imagined it.

"I think you'll be fine anytime soon, so long as we're not here too long. We have to get you to the Normandy," speculated Doctor Chakwas.

"I can deal with that," I decided.

I saw over Alenko's shoulder Thane telling Garrus he could come back. Thane took his place.

Garrus quickly skirted over, dodging several bullets. As he sat on the side of me not occupied by Chakwas or Alenko, I smiled up at him. "That was pretty ninja."

"Usually I can say the same for you," Garrus pointed out.

"Yeah, this hasn't been one of my finer days…" I mumbled. My hand peeled off my smooth stomach, leaving behind a hand print.

"What the hell even happened back there? I'm pretty sure it's important for humans to have their blood inside them," he said sarcastically. His mandibles fluttered when he looked at my red streaked stomach.

"Yeah, that's kind of important. This is actually pretty bad. Speaking of which," I said, peeling my hand from my sticky skin again, "why is there so much blood? Isn't this a little much for a nosebleed and contained bullet wound?" I asked.

"Your back was bleeding too."

I leaned forward and lifted the back of my jacket. It stuck to my back. "Shit…" I hissed. It stung as I removed it slowly. I pulled it up all the way and tried to look at it. I arched my back and turned my head to the right, my eyes gazing behind me. "I can't see it."

"Well, look at the pillar…" growled Garrus. My eyes flicked upward to the pale cement cylinder. Across the entire surface was red smears and smudges. A trail went down to the floor under me. I turned forward and moved my legs to the sides. "Holy hell…" I whispered. I was literally sitting in a puddle of my own blood. I cleared my throat and shouted to my team, "Hey, guys, is there any way we could, uh, get outta here soon?"

"They just keep coming! They must have called reinforcements!" said Miranda. Her hair was messy and dark with sweat.

"Could we hit the road, like now?" I called back to her.

"Shepard, I don't-"

"Miranda, I am sitting in a pool of my own damned blood!" I screeched over the gunfire.

She argued no more and looked around, assessing our situation. "Alright, people, we're getting Shepard out of here, _now_!"

"Shepard, you think you can get to the shuttle?" Alenko inquired.

"Yeah, I'll need some help, though. I'm a little…" my voice wandered off. Dizziness hit me suddenly. "I'm a little…" I felt lightheaded.

"Shepard?" I heard. My head felt like it was falling off my shoulders, so I rested it in my palm. My shoulder twitched and my head fell from my hand. I felt someone grab me and pull me back up into a sitting position.

"Shepard?" someone shouted. It made my ears ring. I pulled myself up into a sitting position and leaned my back against the pillar.

"I'm just a little… tired." I covered my eyes with my forearm and relaxed. My face, hands and feet suddenly went cold. I shoved Vakarian out of the way and threw up into the corner of the room again. My head began to throb. It burned in my raw throat. My face screwed into a tight scowl and I gagged. I felt Chakwas' gentle hands on my back and shoulder. She rubbed circles into my back like I was a sick child. It felt nice.

I whimpered. A sharp, painful chill spread over my skin. I shook and began to shiver. "Ugh… I feel like shit…" Tears in my eyes, I moved to sit back against the pillar, but an agonizing flash of pain shot from inside me. I gripped my stomach and my eyes flew open. My mouth went agape. I saw through my wide eyes the new splattered pool of blood in front of me. It was huge and watered down. With every beat of my racing heart a new explosion of pain flared from my insides. "Agh!" I yelped. My body felt hot. I yanked my jacket off, every movement rubbing salt in the wound. I threw it on top of the bloody vomit. Had anyone seen it? Were things really that bad? The distinct smell already penetrated my flared nostrils. I was so hot, but I couldn't stop shivering. The onslaught to my stomach was relentless. When my blood rushed in my ears, pain coursed through me. It was all-encompassing.

I grit my teeth to keep form screaming. I felt another human hand on my back. I clutched my stomach. "W-what's happening…?" I cried.

Chakwas stammered a reply: "I-I don't know! A rupture…? I…!"

I heard Alenko's steady, deep voice. "Shepard! What's wrong?" I could hear the fear in his voice.

I choked on the excruciating pain. I hit my forehead against the concrete and grit my teeth. My mind was hazy and focused solely on the pain. I curled further into a ball and my knees ground into the floor.

I battled with my body to straighten. Kaidan's hands held onto my arms as he tried not to look at the vomited blood. Chakwas was at my side, trying desperately to steady me. She shouted to the firing group. They were confused at first, but after seeing the large puddle of blood under my jacket and my breaking form, immediately followed orders.

"Shepard, stop! Stop moving! You have to lie down!" exclaimed Kaidan. His voice clawed at my ears and squeezed my brain. I bit back the irritation.

I reached up and held onto the top of his chest plate, pulling his face down a little. "Kaidan, listen to me. I need to get out of here. I can't stay here. There's something," my sentence broke with a flare of searing pain, "There's something wrong. I have to get back to the Normandy." My jaw twitched with the effort of speaking clearly. "I have to get to my ship." His eyes shone in the light Chakwas held toward me. His chocolate orbs were anguished and helpless. I felt my green eyes sting and my throat contract with coming tears. "I need your help."

I saw the recognition flicker in his face – he knew what it meant for me to ask for help. "I'll get you to your ship," he said, determination setting into his expression.

I gripped his chest plate harder and tried not to burden all my weight on him. I limped behind his armored form as we slowly made our way across the length of the fortification. When we made it into range of the enemy's weapons, he easily put up a protective barrier of biotics. I wished I could help.

Anderson spotted us moving and yelled, "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" They all got up and began to back up toward the door.

"Come on, Shepard, we're almost there," Kaidan told me. I gripped my twisting stomach with my left hand and held myself up by his chest plate with my right. I nearly fell, but Alenko's arm wound around my shoulders and pulled me up against his side.

My vision shifted and refocused. I was looking through a drop of water, with the edges of my vision smearing back and deforming. Light fractured into colors and giving every surface several differently tinted layers. Sound would randomly warp and swim together, only to return to normal a second later.

"Shepard, you have to keep going," I heard Kaidan say from above me. I noticed my feet were clumsily stumbling. I tripped and my feet dragged before he yanked me up again.

I put my head against his chest and lifted and pulled my feet forward with deliberate steps. "Kaidan…" I mumbled in a low voice.

"What is it, Shepard?" he said, reaching through the barrier and opening the doors.

I inhaled to distract myself from the hurt and said in a labored tone, "I'm losing blood."

I felt my eyelids drooping. I forced them open and reminded myself the shuttle would be here soon. "Stay with me, Shepard."

As I spoke it sounded like I was under water. "When will the shuttle be here?"

"ETA five minutes. We have to get to that rooftop," he said, pointing up to the top of one of the buildings.

He pulled me toward the side of the small street. He leaned against the side of a building and held me in front of him. His barrier remained as his arms wrapped around my shoulders. My knees felt weak and I leaned into him to keep from falling. I heard the shuffling of steps as my crew slowly made their way one by one out of the doors.

I sank deep into his chest, letting the tension fall out of my spine, tamped down the nausea, blocked out the pain, and nuzzled my face into the crook of his elbow.

"How is she?" I heard. It sounded like Thane. Maybe Garrus or Zaeed. It was hard to tell with my weak hearing and Kaidan's elbow.

I felt Kaidan shake his head. "We need to get her to a hospital."

"The Citadel hospital is the only one that could help her. None of the other ones are good enough…"

"Alliance space… Council… let her… Normandy's medbay has her blood type… get her stable until we reach…" My senses went in and out. My grip on Kaidan's suit didn't hold well enough, and soon I was gradually drifting down his armor. I felt him shake me gently.

"Shepard?" The chill on my fair, paling skin faded and gave way to loose, airy feelings. I felt a few drops of blood fall from my parted lips and mix with the rest on my chin. "Shepard! Shepard!"

My limbs went slack. Kaidan held onto both of my arms and shook me. My eyes opened and My body jerked awake. I grabbed his chest plate again and wobbled my head around. I swayed around in his grasp. "I'm fine. I was just… daydreaming. Let's…" I felt a bubble of blood work its way up my throat. It gurgled out of my mouth and fell over my chin in a small splash.

"That's it!" exclaimed Kaidan. "Let's go!" I felt the world spin as Kaidan swooped me up into his arms and started off running to the building. I struggled to keep my eyes open, but I did see the others running to the same building. Kaidan's brow was dotted with beads of sweat. His eyes flickered between my face and the door. I could tell we reached the building when he slowed down for but a second and rushed through the door as someone opened it. His eyes scanned the building. His face grew angry, scared and flustered. "Damn it!" he shouted. He ran over to a wall and went up some steps.

I knew it was important that I stay awake, so I focused on Kaidan's eyes. They held so much emotion as I gazed up at them, it reminded me of the night before Illos when we slept together. The gold sparks in his multi-hued brown eyes shined, like they usually did when he was upset in some way. My head bobbed against his shoulder as he finished a flight of stairs. I had looked at his eyes so much that night, it should've lasted me a lifetime, but I always wanted him to look at me. I always wanted to see his eyes. They were so beautiful, I just couldn't help it. On that night filled with so much fear and passion and desperation, his eyes were littered with golden flecks. My eyes raked over his face, memorizing each line, each curve and every aspect of it that made it his. It became difficult to focus, so, content with the image I had branded onto my brain, I laid my head against the cool metal on his shoulder.

I heard my own accelerated heart beat against his armor. Why had this happened this way? Had this really been the fault of a simple shot in the shoulder? Or was it the problem with my implants? Would this have happened if I hadn't been shot? Was I supposed to die this way? What about the Collectors?

What about Kaidan? How am I supposed to make sure he's safe if I'm dead?

I'm not supposed to die here. I can't die here. I refuse.

I swallowed the taste of iron and tried not to move my torso. The pain hadn't faded. Exhaustion prevented me from reacting. "Kaidan."

He looked down to me, not once pausing in his running. His eyes met my face; the sight made the inside of his brows tilt up and his lips to part. He looked helpless. His lips pressed together gently, his lower lip quivering slightly and his eyes filled with tears.

I raised my hands and wrapped them around his neck, pulling myself up. I bit back the cry that clawed at the back of my throat and whispered into his neck, "Double time, soldier." His steps faltered in speed and his head tilted down in my direction. After a second, though, he looked forward and sprinted up the stairs. As we neared the third floor, I laid my cheek on his shoulder armor, closed my eyes, and said quietly, "I remember our night before Illos. I didn't forget." I felt his breath catch. "I'm sorry I didn't find you until Horizon. I understand what you meant. You don't have to drop everything to join my crew. Don't feel like you have to." I heard my heart beat begin to slow down again. "I won't make you watch anyone else close to you die." I moved closer in his arms. "I'll keep them all safe. I'll keep you safe," I mumbled quietly.

"The shuttles are here!" Miranda yelled up the stairs to us. "Hurry!"

Kaidan bolted through the open doorway and onto the roof.

I heard the shuttles. I heard Jack as she screamed for us. "You guys, over here! Shepard gets in the other one!" She didn't say anything about Biotic Boy carrying me.

Kaidan veered the other way and went over to the shuttle. When he stepped up into the shuttle, I heard Mordin. "Place her on cot. Must hurry. Body temperature too high. Blood loss main problem. Condition deteriorating. Needs transfusion."

I let go of Kaidan. He gently put me down. I opened my eyes to the bright shuttle lights. I cringed a little. Kaidan moved so his shadow shielded my eyes. I looked around. The cot I was laying on was along the back of the shuttle. A rack was standing next to the head of it, several blood bags hanging at the ready. Mordin inserted one of the tubes in both of my arms with a needle. "Lie still, Shepard. Bullet wound open." I heard Jack usher the last of my crew into the other shuttle. She told Chakwas they were ready.

Once again, my eyes found Kaidan's. He leaned got on his knees next to my head, elbows bent on the edge of the cot. He took up my hand and held it between his. The armor was cool against my hot skin.

I looked up at him. I felt the blood entering my system, pumping louder in my ears. Sweat caked my hair to my head. Mordin reached around Kaidan and shined a light into my eyes. "Pupils dialated. Result of adrenaline, nausea, and blood loss." He put a patch onto my forehead and waited a second, reading it aloud. "Body temperature has reached forty point five degrees Celsius. Brain will overheat if we don't cool her down." He attached another patch over my heart and read the face. "Heart rate high but decreasing slowly." He looked up at the blood packs. "Blood level far too low." He inhaled deeply and stood. "Needs immediate intensive medical treatment," he told Kaidan before he returned to the front of the shuttle.

"Then hurry!" Kaidan snapped. I could sense the tension and worry in him.

"I'll be okay. Chakwas and Mordin are excellent doctors. You're okay? You didn't get hit, did you?" I asked in a quick, rasping voice. Every breath scraped inside my throat like sandpaper. I had to bite my tongue after finishing to hold in a whimper.

"Don't worry about me. You just stay safe. Stay awake." He reached forward and wiped the blood from my face.

"You're okay, though, right?" I repeated.

Kaidan sighed and shook his head. "I'm fine."

"Good." I exhaled and closed my eyes. I tried to loosen my abdomen muscles. The pain coming from my stomach made my abdominals clench and my sides tight.

His forehead touched my fingers in his hands. "Is your stomach still hurting?" he asked throatily.

I considered if I should tell him. The odds of me being able to get it by him were too slim. "It… feels like there's… something inside. Like I drank ryncol martini with metal shards instead of salt."

His brow creased on my knuckles. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault my biotics decided to give up on me. Don't apologize. I'll survive, as far as I can tell. At least I can see and hear clearly now," I said lightheartedly.

"Thane, come on! We have to go!" Jack roared from outside.

"Leave now! I'm going in Siha's shuttle!" said Thane.

I let out an airy laugh and covered my forehead with my palm. "Jesus…" Thane boarded the shuttle, followed by Chakwas. She called across the roof to Jack. "Just go, it's no matter! We'll meet you at the Normandy!" Chakwas turned to me. "Alenko, you're going to suffocate the poor girl."

I opened my left eye to peek at Kaidan. The tops of his cheeks were pink. He looked down and scooted over to make room for Chakwas. Thane sat next to him, not noticing the look Kaidan gave him.

"Siha, how are you feeling?" he asked, taking my right hand from midair and holding it.

I gave him a pathetic smile. "I can say I've been better. That fever had nothing on this," I said. Thane nodded and glanced up at the blood packs.

"I'm glad we got you some help."

"You had a fever?" questioned Kaidan.

A sharp twinge of pain bolted up my torso. "Ugh!" Kaidan and Thane gripped my hands tightly when I tried to clutch my stomach. The pain faded slowly, and I panted and growled even after it was gone. "Oh, oka-_ah!_ Ohh, holy frijoles! Dammit."

"Siha…" Thane murmured. "I don't… I don't know what to do," he continued.

I breathed deeply and smiled tightly. "It's okay. Could you ask Mordin to shut the door? I'm kind of cold."

Thane called back to Mordin and relayed my request. Chakwas took her seat in the passenger side and after a few seconds I heard the hiss of the door shutting.

I shifted my weight on the cot. My shoulders cracked. It felt like they broke. I choked at the sudden rush of sensation and writhed silently. I exhaled and shut my mouth tightly. I held my lips between my front teeth and gasped through my nose. All of my muscles clenched. I felt Charlie horses spring into my calves knots form in my back. My back pitched off the bed, pulling my stomach tighter and causing more pain. I felt drops of blood trickle down from the bullet wound and pooled in the dip of my clavicle.

Thane and Kaidan jumped at the crack sound and struggled to keep their grip on my hands. My knuckles whitened on theirs and I screamed in my throat.

Kaidan called out to me. "Shepard, what's wrong?" he shouted. "Chakwas! Chakwas!" he screamed when blood oozed from the corner of my mouth. His voice cracked. Thane wiped away the blood and held my hand down against the bed.

Thane leaned closer and held the back of my neck, gently lifting my head. "Siha, we will get you to a hospital. We will get you better," Thane chanted over and over. I listened to his deep, frantic voice and kept the tears in my mouth with the growing amount of blood.

"What happened!" demanded Chakwas as she got up. Kaidan's hands held onto mine. He finally turned around to talk to Chakwas.

Chakwas and Kaidan were both met with surprise. Thane turned at the silence from behind him. I then saw over his shoulder, a man shrinking back against the wall, a long, slender sword in his hand held at his side. In his other hand I saw a pistol, raised and pointing between everyone in the shuttle. His hair was a deep brown. It cascaded in wisps backward, and billowed to an end at the base of his neck. His mouth was set into a frown. His brows pulled together and easily synched into a series of wrinkles set in between them. He pointed the gun from Chakwas to me and readied his sword.

I felt Kaidan's hand slip from mine. I opened my mouth to stop him, already knowing what he would do, but a collection of blood flowed down my chin and over my neck. I tried to grab for his hand, but I was seeing doubles. I caught how the man's steely grey eyes saw the bracing in Kaidan's body. I scrambled for Kaidan as the man's sword turned in a blur and pointed. Kaidan flew up out of his kneeling position. I rocked myself forward and grabbed his arm just in time to wrap my arms around it and yank him away. The sword flew through the blood pack and into the wall. Blood splattered across the wall and down onto my head, the cot, and the floor. He drew back and was aiming at us again before I even knew he retracted his sword.

But really, before I knew anything, Kaidan landed over my waist and his weight, combined with the mass of his medium armor, sailed into my gut. I doubled over him, my vision fogging and my mind going blank. My arms twitched, not knowing what to do to alleviate the bloodcurdling agony. I choked out a dry heaved once before Thane pulled Kaidan off me. I threw up again. I covered my mouth with my hand. The blood streamed between my fingers and flowed down onto my lap. It gushed under my palm and ran down my face. My back curled and heaved. Kaidan came back up and held my shoulders. The pain from my shoulders was overshadowed by my stomach. My left hand shakily wandered up and held onto the edge of his chest plate. My right trembled over my mouth, slick with blood and saliva. I moaned as my body began to quiver. I shook in his arms.

I glared up at the man. He was looking straight at me with a nearly flat expression. Kaidan came up and sat next to me on the cot. My head fell onto his armor, smearing red over it. Thane knelt on the ground to my right. His hand was clenched on the cot. I reached over. My fingers ghosted over his smooth, olive green skin and parted his fist. He looked up at me with a troubled expression. It held anger and fear. I felt the thin sheet under my bottom get pulled up. Kaidan placed it around my shoulders and wrapped his arms around me. He rubbed his hands up and down my back and arms to warm me.

Thane pleaded to me with his eyes. I shook my head weakly. He lowered his head and held both of my hands. He rested the bridge of his nose on our hands and began to whisper prayers. The only indication he was speaking was his cool breath sifting over my skin.

Chakwas looked unsure of what to do. She obviously wanted to help me, but she was also afraid to face the man herself. I just then noticed Mordin gaping back at us. He was scared, I could tell, but mostly affronted and nervous. His eyes darted from the sword-wielding man to the rest of us. The blood caught in my throat when I shook my head at the two doctors.

"Take off, now," ordered the man. Mordin looked back at me for affirmation before turning forward and bringing the shuttle into the air. "You," he snapped, pointing the pistol at Karin. "Get into the seat." I nodded to her and she obediently went to the passenger seat. The dark haired man stepped back toward the wall and shot the radio linking us with the other shuttle. It was quiet in the small space. "None of you say a word."

A moment of silence passed. I looked over the man for any sort of sign for _anything_. He was simply wearing a black weave body suit. It looked like the suit we wear under our armor but more protected.

My eyes were heavy and my entire body was alive with pain; I didn't have any more energy to spare. I laid into Kaidan's broad torso more. Kaidan's embrace tightened around me and warmed me.

The man must have felt certain we wouldn't try anything, because he holstered his pistol and lowered his sword. His hand pushed back the jacket of his suit and pushed the gun into place. That was when I saw the yellow logo printed into the ribs of his body suit.

Kaidan saw it too, and we both shared a confused, angry, resigned, exhausted thought…

_Cerberus._


	13. Understanding In Sacrifice

Thane liked to think of his Commander as an embodiment of the great Kalihira. A warrior. Ruthless when lives were on the line. Stong. Loyal and dependable.

Thane _knew_ his Commander was Siha. He knew it from the core of his being. When he first joined her crew, he was willing. He wasn't thrilled or hungry for their mission. He was willing, and he was grateful that she had given him another purpose others than taking down unfair employers. That had all quickly changed to something better.

He had seen her in action. She was formidable. She took far too many risks when she fought, but she made up for it in sheer power and will. If someone got between her and what she needed, she would take them down. If they were being moderately civil about it, she would try to persuade them to step aside so she could get said needed thing. But if they weren't, she would hide the feeling taking their life gave her. She would stomach it for the sake of others. She kept a tally of the people she killed. She mourned them when she could.

She was reasonable, fair, and kind. She always listened to what you had to say. If she thought she wasn't going to agree with the rest of what you said, she would let you finish anyway – because just maybe you were getting to the epiphany. She knew when she was right, and she wasn't shy about letting it be known. She stood up to anyone who was wrong, no matter their pull in politics or man power. She went out of her way to make sure you were okay – simply because she cared. When she yelled, she yelled for reason. You make a mistake, she shows you how it was a mistake if you don't already know, and with a warm, light punch in the shoulder, she pulls you back up and dusts you off to make sure you look good the next time you avoid that mistake.

She doesn't do things lightly. She understands the weight on her decisions. She knows the effect choosing one ally over another will have just as well as she knows the effect of staying up late to do work – something she does more and more often.

She is a protector and a warrior, as well as a friend. She laughs, she jokes, she teases, she flirts, she frowns, she smiles. She can let the events and stresses of the day simply crumble off her shoulders if you can just make her laugh. She is always there. She listens to your problems, throwing in a few sarcastic remarks of her own touch here and there. If you want a sympathetic ear, she can be that. If you want a dueling partner, she can be that. If you want a cocky clown to make decon after mission when you realize how many people you took down a little bit easier, she'll gladly fill in that spot for you. She knows just as well as anyone how to let loose and be herself.

He had never, not once, thought of his Commander as weak. The thought never even passed his mind. Even now, as he paused in his prayer and glanced up at her. Her frame was hunched and bloody and broken. She was shaking and pale, desperate and pained. Her hair was dark and sticking to her head from sweat. Her shoulder had a hole halfway through it. She was vomiting blood, and somehow had broken her right shoulder. Her pupils were like saucers, wide and gaping, hazy with fever and adrenaline. She clung to the Major like a child, her knees tucked into his waist. She had no reason or sensible justification to have any fight left in her. No one expected her to.

But here she was. In her shivering she held purpose. In her blood she carried love and hate and frustration and determination. In her broken form she offered a dependable pillar of strength to lean on. In her clouded, glowing green eyes she harbored a spark. It burned in her like a candle flickering dimply in a pitch black space, waiting for even so much as an ounce of opportunity or support, ready to burst into a roaring fire of vengeance.

No one expected her to, but as she glared heatedly at the enemy behind us as he order Mordin where to go, she waited. She played the victim. Gods, she _was_ the victim, and she knew it. She was a damned victim, but she was the leader. She would wait. She would absolutely wait, he could see it, until she had just enough strength to overcome her opponent. Then she would strike them down. She would make a grand comeback and joke about it as if she hadn't just done the impossible. She would tease one of us for taking too long and making her do it herself. She would laugh if you let her. She would smile. She would flirt, and she would fake a frown when you shook your head at her because she was too damned _happy_ to really frown.

She looked down at him. Thane nearly jumped at the warmth and intensity of her gaze. She smiled gently and squeezed his hand. His eyes flickered down to her pale, sweating fingers. When he looked back up to her face, her mouth had a lopsided smirk to it, a tiny, feeble smirk. Her eyebrow raise briefly and she pointed her chin at the man. Thane stared dumbfounded –even though he knew she was like this and should have known – while she faked a frown, closed her eyes, and nodded slowly. Her smile twitched into a mischievous grin and her eyebrows lifted for half a second. _I shouldn't be surprised_, he thought as she dragged her bloody thumb across her neck. It stupefied him that she could still manage to move the muscles in her face into a smile after all that's happened.

_I really shouldn't be surprised. _Thane sighed, his drooping shoulders betraying his defeat, and shook his head. He rubbed the pad of his thumb along her knuckles gently and dipped his head again. He had prayed to his divine gods an innumerable amount of times; the only oddity with this particular plea was that he was asking for their help to keep the spark in her eyes alive.

Kaidan was filled with emotion. He could hardly name them all. Anger coursed through his veins. He wanted to badly to end the life of whoever this person was. His body ached for it. His hatred singed his skin and tangled in him. Pure frustration made his biotics sizzle and his amp tingle. The energy building in the eezo diodes inside him scratched at his resolve and begged to be released. Confusion pressed against his brain and made his skull throb. His urge to protect Shepard was severe. It was ingrained in the very tissue of his muscle, carved into his bones. After all his time going with her on missions, worrying about her when she was out of sight, pacing a hole into the crew deck when she didn't bring him on the missions at all, it was a part of him. He wished it could be erased for a while so he could figure things out. His mind raced for ways to escape. But every time she cringed or winced or braced her body against the pain, his thoughts would instantly divert to how to help her. But every time he hit the same wall: she was truly incapable of fighting. She was broken and bleeding. She could hardly stand, let alone make it through his fight with this guy.

He didn't understand what was going on. Wasn't Shepard a part of Cerberus now? Why was Cerberus attacking her now? He knew very well the lines of the brand all Cerberus lackeys carried. It was clearly on the waist that suit. What was waiting for them at "Dock 12"? Would they be able to escape once they got out of the shuttle?

Shepard's shoulders twitched under his palms. He felt a tightening in his chest; he wanted to help, but didn't know what to do. So he did all he could and held her a little tighter. His right arm rested on her back and bent up to stroke her short blonde hair. His other one curled around her front and rubbed her arm through the blanket. It almost felt like they were back on the SR1, but he was jam packed with all these horrible memories and feelings.

On one hand, he wanted to just take her into his lap and nuzzle his face into her neck and _hold_ her. He wanted to hold her hand and get past everything that had happened on Horizon. He wanted – _needed_, really – his Shepard back.

But then he remembered everything that happened. He would see the blood on her face, shining with sweat and blood but _not_ tears, and he would wonder for a second if that's what she looked like when she went down with the Normandy. It would break his heart open and unleash all the dark, merciless memories. All the pain and anguish of losing her would burst out and swim through him. Her voice would ring loud in his ears and her smiling face would shine behind his eyes and he would be consumed in his grief. He would want her back – with every cell in his body, every fiber of his being, with all that he was. He would give anything to have her back. And he'd feel her dying warmth next to him. He'd wonder how she was here, how she had been given back to him. He'd remember. He'd recall the rumors. He'd think of how she had been rebuilt from the ground up by Cerberus. It would all confuse him and make him too busy trying to sort the facts, lies, rumors, and feelings to accept what he'd been wishing for and take her back.

So he resolved himself to simply keeping her out of harm's way. Even if it turned out that she was mislead, or that she didn't want him anymore, or that she really had _sided_ with Cerberus, he could write it off as protecting the only person who could save the galaxy. That was sound logic, right? Ensure the only hope for the galaxy lived to actually fulfill their purpose?

His attention was stolen by her when she moved under his arms. She moved closer and pulled her thighs up against the ribs of his left side. She rubbed her legs against each other for friction. Her show of bravado to the drell named Thane, authentic and convincing as it may be, could do nothing as far as get her farther to make her will reality. She was still weak. She was still exhausted and losing blood. The back of her shoulders had turned a slight shade of purple and he knew they were broken. His hand held the back of her head gently and held her against his chest. Her eyes were closed and her eyebrows were ever so slightly pulled together. Her parted lips, stained red with half dry blood, let out shallow, quick gasps.

Alenko had crept up the ranks after she died. He should be able to do this one thing. But with a troubled look down at her, tucked into his side and quaking in the sheet with a fever and chilled skin, he realized he wasn't doing such a good job of it.

He was so confused. His hands continued to rub warmth into her and comfort her with gentle movements. It was all he could do. It was all he really knew, after worrying for her so often when he was her Lieutenant. Back then, when he had a bad feeling before missions that always ended with her injured, he couldn't pull rank and order her to stay behind. He had to settle with simply getting onto every mission he could and doing whatever he could for her.

He didn't know what he should do.

The shuttle was unbearably cold. I seriously wondered if Ninja-Wannabe – that's what I decided to call him – had missed the comm and had shot the heat sequencer. The blanket was thin and offered little salvation from the iciness of the air. I tried unsuccessfully to cover up a shiver. Kaidan noticed and put the blanket over my legs and wrapped it further about my shoulders. I knew I shouldn't read into it. I knew he was just a caring person indefinitely and would be so kind to anyone. But _god_ I wanted to. I wanted to imagine he was holding the back of my head and stroking my hair because he thought I was beautiful and was worrying about me, not because I was an injured asset, and that his arm was rubbing up and down my arm slowly not because he wanted to end my pesky shivering, but because he wanted me to be warm and feel better. I shouldn't read into it.

My body ached and throbbed, but I still found it in myself to keep my death glare at Ninja-Wannabe even and icy. Everytime his eyes flicked back to us, his grey eyes would fall onto mine. He'd quirk his eyebrow at me and turn back to ordering Mordin around. Either he'd do that or he would snort silently and shake his head.

Why did people always shake their heads at me?

"Evasive maneuvers," he commanded of the poor salarian. "Don't let them catch up. We got a head start, but we have to get out of sight or else we'll never lose them." He sounded oddly calm and casual. Surely he wasn't a career operative? But that suit… someone – namely The Illusive Man, most likely – had paid quite a few credits getting it – I'd never seen anything like it. "Get them off our tail, now, salarian."

I pried my lips apart and spat, "You stupid son of a bitch." He turned back to me and held his sword in both hands, pointing it to the floor. He squared his shoulders and looked down at me.

"Oh?" he said, too arrogant and confident for my liking. He sounded like a brat. Not anyone I'd want to hang out with, I could tell.

Kaidan's body stiffened and I felt the disapproval radiate from him. He looked between me and the man several times.

"No one gives the _fucking_ orders around here but _me_, _asshole_." I cleared my throat when my breath caught and threatened to bring a coughing fit – that wouldn't do at all; way too lame.

He stepped forward and rested his joined hands at his waist. He leaned down a little and punctuated every syllable: "You're outranked with me," he whispered, his voice dripping with acid, "_Commander_."

I saw Thane's face twitch out of the corner of my eye and pulled his hand as he went to pull back. He didn't try anything again.

"We'll see," I coughed, "just how far that attitude gets you…. when rank doesn't matter anymore because your baby face will be under this Commander's boot."

He laughed curtly through his nose. I felt the twitch in Thane's fingers and the tension in Kaidan's armored fist at my side in reaction. "Good luck with that, woman." I felt a muscle in my jaw jolt at his retort. I hated being called "woman". I hated being seen first as a female then as a person.

"We've lost them," he exhaled, turning his head toward the cockpit. "Forward 150 meters then take left." Ninja-Wannabe's head turned slowly back to me. His gaze was level and unconcerned.

The shuttle was silent as it slowed. We were already there? How fast had Mordin been forced to go? The small ship veered left and the path quickly steeped down into a dimly lit shaft. We went underground for several seconds before the terrain leveled out and we stopped in a large, open room made of concrete. Ahead there were at least twenty armed guards to escort us to our next destination. "Stop." Mordin obeyed and we came to a halt. The door opened and the guards formed two perfectly straight lines from us to a black double door, forcing us one direction.

Ninja-Wannabe moved to the other side of the shuttle and told Chakwas to leave, followed by Mordin. As they got up and left the shuttle, their eyes, tainted with worry, met mine. They left with bravery and steadfast will in their gaze. The first guards on either side each grabbed one of them and dragged them toward the door. "You, drell. Go. Then you, soldier." Thane got up and stared down the man. They were of equal height. He made no move to leave.

"Thane," I warned. He looked at me, then balefully at the Cerberus officer, and slowly exited. The first two, like before, went to escort him to the door. Unlike with Chakwas and Mordin, though, they both grabbed one of his muscled arms. He shrugged them off and they cooperated, standing close with weapons at the ready.

Ninja-Wannabe waited for Alenko to leave. "Go."

"No."

"Alenko!" I scolded. "Get out. Now. Just go." I said, pushing his chest weakly. I wrenched his arms from me and shoved him. I didn't look at his face. It was silent in the small space for several seconds.

"Looks like the lady wants you to leave," mocked the man. I bit down hard on my lip.

Kaidan got up slowly and stepped to the open door, looking back at me – I felt his eyes on me. "If you do anything to her, I swear-" The vile man launched his foot into Kaidan's gut. He fell back onto the ground breathless. He was hurled up and dragged to the door, screaming and struggling all the way.

"You just wait and see," I growled, baring my teeth at him. "Soon, when I'm fit for duty, I'll teach you. Rank isn't worth _shit_ when _you're _my _bitch_!" I spat at him, my saliva pink. He sidestepped it easily and it hit the floor.

The Cerberus man clicked his tongue at me in dissatisfaction and stepped toward me. I flung my fist into his chest as he neared, hardly deterring him. I squirmed and flailed my limbs, a scream boiling up from my throat and falling from my lips. He flinched and scowled, wrapping his arm around my back and under my thighs. He picked me up effortlessly.

The sudden shift in balance made my blood rush to my head. My hand reflexively grabbed onto his shoulder and pulled me up. I was still for a second but then saw it. I yanked it away as we exited the shuttle.

"Shepard!" Alenko yelled after me. My head turned at the sound of his voice. He was being dragged backwards to the door with two troopers holding him still. His face was contorted and twisted in anger. He growled and grunted, trying to jerk his arms free. "Shepard!"

My heart was being squeezed. "Alenko, just go! Don't let them hurt you, okay? But don't start anything! Stay on defense! Wait for me!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was panting and lightheaded, and realized I was strategizing even at a time like this. "You got that, Major?" I hollered, my chest heaving with deep breaths.

"Shepard, I…!" He set his feet firmly on the ground and strained to move back toward me. He grit his teeth and slowly lugged the two troopers back a step. "Shepard, I can't just leave you!" He couldn't come any closer, but managed to hold his ground. He got yanked back. Just as they brought him through the door, he resigned and screamed, "If you hurt her, I swear I'll kill you! I'll kill you!"

The man carrying me sighed and said, "What a persistent, naïve bastard."

I spun around at him, fuming. My left hand balled into a fist and I swung my arm back. I instantly felt dizzy, but hurled my punch forward nonetheless. He ducked out f the way easily, just hardly saving the right side of his face. My other hand raised and careened down at his face open-handed. For whatever reason, he didn't doge it, either on purpose or accidentally. My bare hand hit his face loudly with a harsh smack. His face was forced to the right. His left cheek instantly reddened into the shape of my hand. I was panting roughly and glowered own at him. Ninja-Wannabe's eyes were slightly wide with shock – he hadn't been expecting the slap after all. With every exhale I growled with flared nostrils, anger combating the intense lightheadedness I felt.

His head turned to me slowly. He looked up the small height difference his grip on me offered and stared into my red, watery eyes. He blinked, looking extremely stupid. Then his mouth curved into a smile and he huffed out a laugh. My expression leveled when his chortling paused. Then another obnoxious laugh wracked his shoulders, and soon he was in a fit of laughter, carrying me toward the door.

I wanted to curse at him, beat him, scream at him, join with his infectious, bright laugh, kick him in the balls, smack him, beg him to let me go with doe eyes… something. But all the emotion welled up inside me and I finally understood I would get nowhere. His grip on me was gentle but still strong and indomitable, and his reflexes were exceptional. I would get nowhere in an attempt at escape, especially given my state and the fifteen or so more troopers crowding around me. Remembering my "state" made my mind aware, yet again, of the ache in my stomach. I wrapped my arms carefully around my abs, where the pain was centered, and sat resigned in his tyrannical arms. He was still laughing while I cringed. I got an itching feeling of helplessness as he brought me through the doors.

"Where are they going?" I heard the turian, Vakarian, say. I looked down at the air traffic scanner for Shepard's dot. There she was, her shuttle veering off course.

"The hell's she doing?" I ground out. I watched for a half second longer as she kept goin' her own way. Irritation clawed at the back of my mind. A growl rose in me and came out as a harsh roar. "Stupid fucking – stupid goddamn…!" I did a u-turn and everyone stumbled over each other inside. I didn't care. "God dammit! Always going off on her own! Fuck this!" I screeched.

"Daft whore, what the bloody hell you doin'!" complained Massani.

"Shut the fuck up! Don't make me come back there!" I called over my shoulder.

Vakarian explained. "Shepard's shuttle isn't following us anymore. About fifty meters back from where we turned around, they went left. That's directly away from the Normandy." His voice was low and steady. It calmed me a little bit, weirdly.

"What are they doing? Is there a hospital on Omega that way?" asked the krogan, Grunt.

"No, Grunt. I know Omega well. There is nothing in that region but apartments," crooned the Justicar. "This is not something Doctor Chakwas would allow, given Shepard's state. Something is wrong."

I pushed the shuttle to its speed capacity, trying to catch up to theirs. "Why the hell are they going do damned fast?" I yelled to no one in particular.

I saw Vakarian turn the comm on. "Mordin, what's going on? Where are you going?" There was a mumbling voice on the other side and a loud bang before it fell to static.

"Fuckin' spectacular." People began to murmur behind me. I felt a slight itch at their worries. What was happening? "Is Shepard known to do this?"

Spikeface ground out a slow, harsh sigh. "Yes." His talon mindlessly traced over the leveled pattern on the side of his gun. He was looking away, but turned to me. I was scowling forward. "But she always tells us. Even if we don't approve. We protest, she makes a modest and reasonable point, makes a sarcastic joke about it, apologizes, and does it anyway. But only if she knows she has to. She weighs it all first, ya know?"

I raised my eyebrow and curled my lip at him. "No." His mandibles fluttered. He resumed messing with the computer in front of him and tracing his gun.

"What's that daft bitch up to now?"

"Being a daft bitch. What else."

"Touchy, eh?"

"Fuck you."

"Fly the damn shuttle, Jack!" The Cheerleader certainly wasn't doing anything to change my opinion of her. "Pay attention! Follow them. It's obviously Cerberus' doing."

"No really. I hadn't noticed them shooting after you," I snapped. I hissed and punched the steering wheel. "What they want her for?" I shouted, following them down a long alley. They turned left just as we started down the small path.

"They want her for her biotics, Jack." I heard her heels click as she wove her way through the crowded space and the automated tones of her omnitool. "You can easily relate. You remember what it was like. If you don't want her to go through that, we need to at least find out where they're going."

I damn near fucking choked on my own straining pulse. "Why the fuck can't I get her too?" I roared.

The Cheerleader was quiet for a second before she responded, a second I was grateful for. "The odds are not in our favor at this point."

I growled like an animal and grit my teeth. "And why the hell is that?" I screamed.

Finally my temper got to her and she raised her voice for a mere second. "_Because_," she said, her voice sounding gentle and soothing for whatever fucking reason, "Jack, no Cerberus agent was on that shuttle when we were leaving. Chakwas certainly would not allow for Shepard to do this of her own volition while in this condition. Someone got onto that shuttle. Someone disabled the comm system, and someone threatened Shepard's life in a more plausible way that would end it sooner than otherwise. A very powerful armed Cerberus agent is in there with them. He or she most likely made it so they would have to listen, like shot her transfusion packs, injured her, brought a bomb, etcetera."

I heard Garrus mumble a breathless curse and rub his talon against his jaw. My face twitched at the terse silence that came over us all. My lip trembled. "Fuck…" I gasped.

"Jack." I powered the shuttle on. My body was rigid with something I would refuse to admit was fear. Her hand rested on my shoulder and gently squeezed. "It's okay. We'll get her back. Just focus on catching up to them, okay?"

I took a few breaths and shook my head out. "Garrus, find a way to make this go faster."

"I'll take that as a 'look faster.'"

We all did what we could. We followed them into a dark underground tunnel, but they were so far ahead we nearly lost them. Miranda radioed the Normandy and told them what happened. Those who could do nothing sat quietly out of the way, letting us do our jobs easier.

We it took nearly seven minutes to reach the shuttle. We found where they had been. Their shuttle was still there, empty. Blood covered nearly a whole wall, a lot of the cot, and the floor. The blanket was gone, and the comm shot through.

We ran for the doors they went through, following the trail of blood drops. It was a dock. The ship was enormous. We saw them in the glass tunnel some hundred and fifty meters away, seconds from boarding the ship. There was a huge set of guards, naturally. Even as we ran with all we had, the doors had shut with them on the other side.

Shepard was being carried by some girly fucker. She was nearly dead. He looked over his shoulder at us and so did she.

The douchebag Alliance guy noticed and took it as an opportunity to spring them free. He fought them. They didn't shoot him – even though he took down four of them before they managed to knock them out with the butt of their assault rifles.

She sprung up and leapt up toward us. She nearly flew onto the ground. He caught her and got his grip on her struggling body and ran to the ship.

Thane was fighting the guards. Alenko was being dragged by his arms. Shepard was yanking his hair and reaching out to us. Her eyes found mine as I ran to her. She called out my name and desperately reached for me, even with the distance between us. Her face punched me in the gut and crushed my heart. I'd seen fear and anguish and pain in peoples' faces' all the time, but seeing the pain and fear make its way through her resolve and show in her eyes hurt me. I sprinted forward, dropping my gun. She saw the change in me and drew her hand back. She erased the pain from her eyes and shoved the fear back into herself. She called back to me. "Stay strong now! I need you strong! I need your help, and I need you strong! Be careful…!"

The doors shut with them on the other side.


	14. The Company of a Hostage

Okay, guys, I am SO tremendously sorry it took so awfully long to write this. PLUS, it's SO short. Only like seven hundred and twenty words. Truly pathetic… I snuck out to go to a party at my guy-friend's house in the middle of the night, so I'm grounded. Two months, four if I get bad behavior. NO FANFICTION, NO SLEEPOVERS, NO PARTIES. TWO MONTHS. My parents are at the store right now, so I'm sneaing on my laptop to write this little snippit. I'M SO SORRY! I'll sneak on whenever I can!

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The drugs they gave me affected my balance and sense of direction. I was firmly strapped to a table when I woke up. After a long while of pulling and kicking, the straps over my limbs and torso had not moved. The bruises on my wrists, ankles, shins, thighs, and upper arms showed they were metal. When I looked about the room, the objects and colors streaked like wet paint. While struggling, my back, heels, elbows, and shoulders pushed down on the slab. That was when I realized it was padded, and warm. It had a central heating convection system – high-tech. The needle inserted into my inner elbow was connected to a thin red tube. Based on the thickness of the needle and color, it must have been a blood transfusion. The room was white; all pure white, everywhere but the mirror running across all three walls that I could see. The ceiling was high, with five evenly spaced lights hanging from it. They were bright and difficult to see clearly even after keeping my eyes still. The room was very large, but uniform, streamline, and clinical. As far as I could discern, I was in the center of the rectangular room – assuming there was a wall fifteen or so yards behind me. It smelled distinctly of new furbishing, iron, sterile medical tools, and medicine. Every inhalation felt pure and clean. My breathing was the only sound in the room. I silenced my breathing momentarily to listen carefully. I began to hear a near inaudible hum of electronics, but nothing more. I looked around the room and yanked at my restraints. It was no use. I was held down tightly. I slumped against the table and let myself pant.

I swallowed and inhaled deeply. I let it out in a harsh, loud scream: "_Hey_!" There was no response whatsoever.

My body tingled as if it had been scrubbed down raw. When I shifted, my back felt stung, like a fresh sunburn before it was treated. I flexed my fingers. It felt as if I had broken them but they were still healing.

"Hello! Is anyone there?" What am I thinking; of course there is someone there. They kidnapped me and drugged me into unconsciousness. That means I am a high-priority target. I'm in their facility, on top of that, so of course I'm being monitored.

The mirror, of course. I turned my head around and looked at the mirror. My eyes raked all along it, all three walls, but I found no evidence of it being a two-way mirror. I needed none, though. I settled for screaming at all of the walls. "Hey! You fuckers! _Hey_!" I screamed. I detected no change. I growled and screamed again: "_You mother fuckers_! _Assholes_! _Murderers_!"

As I finished my last curse, the door opened. I hadn't realized there was a door. It was dim on the other side. I sensed someone on the other end, and decided it had to be at least two people. One slightly older human– early fifties perhaps – and one salarian – I could hear the faint click as he or she blinked rapidly. I made out the faint profiles of one salarian, and two humans. Their steps were slow and oddly deliberate, as though measured. Were they brass? My body was still and carefully tense as I waited in silence for them to come into view.

The sight of a salarian boot, followed by another matching one, swept into view. The two inverted knees that followed were donned in what I knew to be typical lab wear, as was the trailing torso, lined with a vertical red stripe. The two arms, ending with three fingers, were also suited in lab gear, including the arm holo set that came only with the best ensemble. With each step his gait quickened, and soon I saw Mordin's face.

When my eyes met his large, energetic ones, I felt a wash of relief cast over me. He nodded to me seriously, and I peered behind him to the human coming into the room. Her suit was form fitting and had a sheen to its fabric. I would have smiled to Doctor Chakwas, were it not for the easily detectible sober, tense set to her features.

As my eyes shifted back to the door, I saw the man from before. He wore a lab suit.


	15. The Light of a Forgiving Alliance

I seriously don't know how to apologize for something this big. Hahaha, I've never had to apologize so much in my LIFE. But I really am sorry. My laptop was taken away, then I was grounded, then it was Thanksgiving and then the Christmas trip to Hawaii… well, things just got crazy. And to be entirely honest, I really totally forgot about this fiction. GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH I feel so bad, because I really love it and you guys and this site. But things are calming down a bit now, so things will be more in order. I hope all goes well!

Here's the next chapter!

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"Get the _fuck _away from me, you batshit crazy bastard! Get the hell off me _now_!" Of course, I knew it was entirely useless to yell, scream, twitch (my attempt at kicking free), or trash talk, but I did anyway because Commander Fucking Shepard never gives up, especially against a damn needle.

"Enough! This is ridiculous. Are you afraid of needles? Because we can easily-"

"What?" My voice had been as firm and unshakable as titanium, and just then it became as brittle as glass. Did he just…? "Pardon you, asshole, but I believe it's pretty damn stupid to ask stupid fucking questions. And until five seconds ago, I believed there _were_ no stupid questions!." His grey eyes looked at me evenly. Unfazed. Neutral. I felt my blood pressure spike. "Listen you dickhead, I am not afraid of needles. I just _hate_ _you_. Comprende?"

The room fell silent, sparing a snort from Dr. Chakwas. I glared at Prince Charming. After a moment, he finally moved.

A thick brown eyebrow quirked up, mocking me. An eyebrow was mocking me. An eyebrow.

"Mordin, do you see that strip of hair follicles just above this thing's left eye?" I asked, turning my head to the scientist looking over my chart at my side.

"I do, Commander." His voice was just as malicious and sarcastic as mine.

"Well, you should take note of its form, because as soon as I'm unstrapped I think I'm gonna displace it."

I looked back at Prince Charming and smiled bitterly. "Of course, he wouldn't be able to attract the ladies looking like that. What a god damn shame." I tilted my head to the side to feign sympathy.

Chakwas' laugh ended up more like a hum, but it was there all the same, and I'm sure he noticed.

He stuck me with the needle suddenly, and drained it in my leg before I had any real chance to fight it. "Stupid, freakin', god damn…!"

He stepped away to a table to replace the syringe. He came back and stuck it into me. It tingled. I groaned. "How many more medications are we going to try?" I yelled.

He stuck me another time on the opposite leg, then again. "As many as it takes."

I felt helpless again. I crumpled up the feeling into a tight wad, threw it away, and burned the garbage bin. "Fuck that. They aren't even medications, are they?"

"What makes you say that? We aren't poisoning you, if that's what you think. I don't believe Doctor Chakwas would allow that." He wrote something down.

"They just don't feel like medication," I lean my head back on the table and take a deep breath.

"What are you talking about?" asked the prince.

"I mean it feels more like a depressant, than a medication, that all. Who cares?" They gave me strange looks. "It isn't supposed to feel like a depressant, is it?"

"No…"

"Oh, fucking great. Just great." I paused for a second, an odd sensation building in my stomach. Then all of a sudden…

I felt my stomach lurch and blood poured from my mouth. I coughed and gagged.

It felt like it was made of acid and oil. It stuck to my throat and spurred from my stomach, reaching every area. I coughed, bringing more pain. I groaned, and that brought more pain.

They unlatched my limbs and sat me upright. Blood was everywhere. Mordin was going somewhere. They were yelling. My head was aching.

I covered my mouth with my hand, but choked. I leaned forward and threw up over the foot end of the table. Blood and vomit was everywhere.

My head was light. My hands were cold and white against the red stains that covered them. I The thin cloth that had been put on me tore as I doubled over. I pushed my forehead and cheek into the warm table. I opened my mouth wide to let air in. I felt a hand on my back.

There was noise everywhere, everything was so loud, there were so many new noises; noise everywhere.

Something was wrong again.

I was pulled off the table and put onto a soft bed. They pricked my arms. They tried to get as much blood into me as they could, because even as I started to become weak blood was slipping out of my mouth.

"This sucks," I rasped. Chakwas told me to shut up. "Am I going to die?" I asked.

Chakwas put a second needle in my left arm. She looked angry. "You've still got a century!"

Leave it to Chakwas to comfort the injured soldier. "I don't know about that…" I looked down at myself, my bloody, stinky, filthy self. A few more people came into the room. Laying down became uncomfortable, tense. I sat up with a twisting, searing protest from my midsection. I swung my legs over the side of the gurney.

That was the single most painful thing I had ever done. I was blinded by it. I went right off the cot – bam. Pain was all there was. It encompassed my limbs, my torso, my mind. It writhed on the icy tiles.

Then suddenly it was euphoric. My body became warm and sensitive, and my eyes rolled. My midsection lit up, like the echoes of an orgasm.

And the hurt was back again. I was screaming, but I heard nothing. The agony made me nauseous. My muscles locked and ripped to shreds. I felt them melt from my bones and boil under my skin. My blood burned my bones and ate away at my heart. I felt my balance changing, and my weight shifting. My skin felt like I had caterpillars crawling over me. I saw colors and mist and bright lights. I heard everything and some things that weren't there. I was oblivious to everything that wasn't the pulsating, torturous misery

As the endless seconds slipped by, exhaustion soaked my tingling body. I was hardly conscious, and my mind was dead. I was hardly aware of myself.

I was told later on what happened. I had an adverse reaction to the biostimulant they gave me. The mass effect web, as they then dubbed it, was closely linked to my nervous system, and thereby they acted as one – as is their theory. It caused my nervous system to overreact to external and internal stimuli, and exacerbate body heat and sensory temperature. What I felt as a rip of my muscles was but a twitch or contraction. They had to use a neuromuscular-blocking drug to calm my muscles and tone down my nervous system. According to them, it was almost twenty hours before it was safe for them to stop administering the treatment. They moved me to a large incubator where I remained unconscious for another two and a half days recovering. A digestible gel that provided nutrients and healed the microscopic tears in my organs was fed to me through a tube down my throat.

There was some benefit to the disaster. As I healed, sparks of biotics flashed over my skin. They mapped the origin of the flares and any paths they took. They monitored me the whole time and came to the conclusion that my biotic web was essentially interwoven with my nervous system. All action against my mass effect web would directly affect my nervous system. That wasn't something they were willing to risk, so they had to work around that obstacle.

They told me all of this when I woke up in the incubator. After extracting the tube and other invasive instruments, they ran a check on me, which I mostly passed. I had to stay in there for six hours after waking up to make sure my body could maintain itself. Once that period was over, I was acclimatized to the atmosphere outside the incubator and then taken out.

I was weak and needed constant watch, as well as assistance walking. My legs were not moving. They feared I had been paralyzed in the ordeal but that was not a terribly large issue because they conveniently had methods to reverse that, were it the case. After feeding and bathing me, they set me up for surgery on my implants. They were to be removed entirely. The procedure would take many hours.

I underwent the surgery on my sixteenth day there. The prep lasted four hours. The surgery itself took twenty-three hours to complete. Prince Charming was the one to perform the surgery. I was kept asleep for eight hours. During that time, the incisions around my body were treated to forbid scarring and infection.

When I woke, my body was spotted with patches. I touched one. It was made of some kind of gauze, but I wasn't familiar with it. I peeled it back and saw a small, straight incision shorter that the girth of my ring finger nail, coated in what looked like medigel. My skin all over was soft, smooth, but a little sensitive. They must have scrubbed me down. I was a little sore, but overall I felt well.

I was in a different room than usual. Now I lay in a very comfortable bed with a nice bed spread and possibly the coziest pillows I'd ever slept on. What, a bribe?

Speaking of, why the hell aren't I dead? I shove my ass in the Illusive Man's face and tell him to kiss it good, then I'm in one of his facilities and as far as I could tell his people were trying to save my life. It must be a trap to lure Anderson or the Alliance or someone else here. It could be that the Illusive Man just wants to cover his bases, because I'm fighting for humanity too and he might want all the major payers on the field. Who knows with that guy?

I had no IVs, so I was free to move. I carefully sat up. The room was mostly white, but the first thing I noticed was the mural. One of the four tall walls was a large stained glass mural. In the center there was an outline of a human. The feminine body was of solid clear glass. As her toes pointed down, her arms were outstretched with her palms up and her head was upturned. All around her were swirling colors and shapes. Her hands seemed to be burning with rainbow fire that flowed seamlessly into a widespread array of color shinging into the room from all around her.

As I looked at her and her colorful surroundings, I felt I was in a temple that worshipped this woman. I knew that a Cerberus facility wouldn't have any religious symbols or propaganda belonging to other races, but I was certain I'd never heard of any deity like this one. Of course, it may have been a piece of art to symbolize femininity, or even women being the basis of human nature and emotion. I tried to imagine that was all it was, but I couldn't get it out of my mind that it had a reverential air.

I wanted to get up and touch the colors, but my legs were still paralytic. I didn't see why they didn't fix it during the surgery.

What was next? I was hungry and thirsty, and I wanted to stretch. I was entirely alone, but then again, you never really were when Cerberus existed. There wasn't a doubt that there were at _least_ two cameras in this room to watch me, if not a two way wall. That huge mural could even be a window for them to watch me. For fuck's sake, the ceiling could be a two way ceiling, or the floor. No sense in worrying.

I inhaled and found the smell of vanilla and coconut. I had no idea how they knew my favorite scents, and didn't want to know, but by god, that smelled _amazing_. Such a soft, sweet, delicate smell; intoxicating. I sniffed the air a few times and sighed.

I miss home. Maybe not the busy, cutthroat, noisy cities that seem to cover the entire planet. I do definitely miss _my_ home. Of course, I'm sure everyone in Seattle knows they share my hometown (and lets everyone else know it, for that matter) and thinks it's the coolest place in the world, but I only liked it when it was quiet. And you never saw the stars. There was nothing but lights, and that was one of the things I was amazed by when I got onto my first ship.

I felt a cold steel nail of guilt and wistfulness screw into my heart. My home? My home is on the Normandy. I pried out the nail: the city was never my home.

A door I hadn't noticed opened, and in strolled the medical trio. "Oh, if it isn't Prince Charming!" I smiled and cooed at him. "How lovely." I greeted Chakwas and Mordin and threw off the covers. "I'm going to need a pair of crutches."

"We have a wheelchair for you. Crutches only work with an injured leg, not paralyzed legs." Prince touched my unfeeling legs like you would check a forehead for temperature. "So you still can't feel or move them." He tapped my leg and looked up at me a few times.

"No, and I refuse a wheelchair." I hit his hands away from my legs and wished I could have kicked him. "Get off."

"I'm just trying to help."

"No you're _not_," sang my favorite elderly lady.

He glared at her and snapped, "I am!" He looked up at me and examined my face. I turned my face away. He pulled it back and looked carefully at the incisions on my neck and head. "You seem okay, as far as the last surgery." He pushed his wavy brown hair out of his face and sighed. His breath smelled really fresh. So, I blew a raspberry in his face. He cringed and wiped his face clean with the back of his hand.

His eye caught one of the bandages. He reached and peeled it off. The inside of the gauze was a bright purple. I gawked and looked at the skin it was on. "You peeled it off. It turns bright purple when it comes into contact with the perfume." I stared at him with an open mouth and curled nose. He shook his head and dropped the pad into a cubby in the wall, where it fell into a hole and burned. "You are so immature. Like a teenager."

I raised my eyebrow and sat back. "I'm not immature, I'm just not cold and weathered like you." I crossed my arms over my chest.

"Huh, that may be true. Still, you are nothing like the vids suggest." He pulled out another gauze and stuck it to my skin.

"I am. There just aren't any reporters or kids with omnitools around when I'm home."

"You aren't home now, though."

I was a little taken off guard by that. "So? I just like the smell. It smells like home." That was a lie. The Normandy smells like steel, regulations, sweat and makeshift homemade meals. Normally I would have felt uncomfortable for lying, but this was a Cerberus doctor that kidnapped me and almost killed my friend, so I really didn't give a shit.

"Oh, silly me." He looked me over for anything odd.

"You know, I thought the perfume was to make you feel a little more in tune with yourself, Prince Charming." His grey eyes looked at me skeptically and he huffed out a single laugh.

"If you're suggesting I'm gay, I assure you, I am not. If you are suggesting I am a hoity-toity, you would also be wrong." He laughed once, and again.

I didn't have a lurid one-liner to throw his way, so I just asked him, "When will I be able to eat something? I'm starving."

"Soon. What do you want?"

"A snail."

"Okay."

"What? No, I wasn't serious. I don't really care what I eat, I just don't want anything… Nevermind. I want something awesome. Bring me something awesome, Alfred."

He sighed loudly. "I do have a name. It isn't Prince Charming, Twinkle Toes, or Alfred. It's Lang."

"Doctor Lang…" I said it experimentally, to taste how it sounded. "Doctor Lang. That fits, I suppose. You have a first name, then, Doctor Lang?"

"I do. My first name is Andy."

I paused in thought and decided I'd continue in my usual habits. "Keep in mind I'm a vegetarian, Twinkle Toes." He sighed long and hard.

Their attentions shifted to other things "When can I get my legs back?"

"Soon, and you never really lost them. We just wanted to give your body some time to recuperate before we added ten hours to surgery time."

"That makes sense," I said. "Thanks. How much longer do you think until we can do the procedure?" The sooner the better.

"You'll be ready as soon as we close up those incisions," Doctor Chakwas said.

"You're going to close up these tiny things?" It's just not worth it to spend the stitches and the time for just scratches.

"They aren't as minor as they appear, Shepard. The only reason they don't hurt right now is because you're on painkillers."

"What are you talking about? I haven't taken anything."

"The medication is in gaseous form. The only the three of us aren't affected is because you were given a shot to activate the anesthetic properties."

"The perfume." I had to admit, that was incredibly clever. A painkiller that goes beyond halting the negative, it induces the positive.

"It smells a bit different to the different species, but to humans it has a very smooth, soothing scent attributed to coconut and vanilla."

"Wow, that's pretty innovative. Why isn't it used more widely?"

"Because we aren't best friends with the Alliance. They don't trust us, understandably so. We haven't really done anything to try to concede or compromise. I suppose the ultimate goals of Cerberus differ too widely from the Alliance's." Lang looked surprisingly sad. I felt a little guilty, unexplainably.

"Yes. We are very different." It felt like an understatement, but as I thought about it in the hours of silence that settled around me, I started to see things a bit more reasonably. In the many colorful streams that filtered down to my skin and gave the pale room life, I felt like I was edging toward a frightful thing to have when held in a Cerberus lab – forgiveness.

"This is bullshit!"

"We're looking. We are on their trail, we just have to catch up."

"Anderson…! This is just – stupid!" I slammed my fist on the table and yelled again. "How in the hell, in this _entire_ galaxy, can we not find the one fucking woman who sticks out like a sore goddamn thumb!" My heart raced in my chest and hammered in my ears, thrumming away the seconds, a sore reminder of just how long we're failing her. "You've known _exactly_ where she's been ever since she came back, and now that we actually need this information, we don't have it?"

"Alenko, the only real reason we've been aware of her whereabouts throughout her mission is her telling us!" He came in front of me and tried to reason with a man who couldn't be reasoned with at a time like this. "It's outlandish to think that the Alliance or anyone else would know what a rogue ship is doing. If she hadn't told us exactly where she was, where she'd be, who she's with, what missions they were working on, we would _never _have known. We denied her what she needed, but she supplied us with everything we needed. She was always loyal to us, and there was never any question of that for me." Anderson laid his hand on my shoulder and gripped me tightly. "She took care of herself while she waited for us to catch up. She can do the same again."

I looked down at the VHMap and tried to avoid the thought of just how much empty space laid out there. "Anderson, last time she was in her own ship, safe, secure, and protected. She was on her own turf, with her own rules, and her own handle on what happened to her." I tapped the table with my armored index finger tensely, and looked back up to Anderson. "Now, she's in a Cerberus lab somewhere. A secure, protected, high-security facility we know nothing about. It's Cerberus' turf, with their rules." The anxiety had been boiling up inside me for a long time, amd finally sizzled at the back of my throat. "Who are we to say that we haven't already failed her?"

It was difficult to look in Anderson's eyes. He had the same determination, depth, and the same confidence intertwined with intense strength of character as Evey. Every time I looked into his brown eyes, the image of Evey looking back at me, helpless and trusting ached my eyes and crushed my heart.

"We will get her, Kaidan. She _wants _to be home again." He collected my gaze and said, "And you and I both know she always gets what she wants in the end." That made me smile. It was true, I could never deny her if she asked for something. It always drove me crazy and I ended up giving in to her.

She trusted me… I've let her down again…

"Kaidan, don't worry. She trusts you, and she knows you won't let her down. _You won't_ let her down, and you certainly aren't alone."

I thanked him and we both turned back to the holo map.

_Somewhere… She's waiting for us…_

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

UPDATE:

I am reaaally sorry to say this, but this story is on HIATUS.

DUN DUN DUUUUN.

I haven't updated this story in a while, as some of you are probably already aware. I've since been focusing on other fandoms and other stories. :/

I may come back to this one, but for now, this story will have to be a cliffhangar. I have no idea when I may come back to this, unfortunately. I have a big story in the works for another fandom, so it'll be a while.

I'm sorry, guys, but things just drifted away from me. Love you all, and thank you for the support!


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